Getting There is Half The Fun

We all owe Mr. Korski a great round of applause (cue clapping) as well our undying thanks (Thank you so much) for his wisdom in: “A Note on Sex, Women and Marriage”. For those of you who haven’t read it yet, the submission purports to be a letter to his son, giving advice on what type of woman NOT to marry. The suggestion is made that every man should, within the first few weeks of a relationship, immediately dump the woman in question if she has even one of certain characteristics.

In order to save the busy readers of Stickman’s column their valuable time, I have, as a community service, condensed and tabulated Mr Korski’s advice. By no means should someone avoid reading the original submission. The purpose of the following tabulation is so that we can all print it, cut it out, and put it in our wallets, so the next time we fall in love we can be prepared to instantly (and without missing an essential question), interrogate our beloved. Remember, failing any one question sends the girl to “girlfriend hell”, to be avoided like the proverbial plague. Or, as Mr. Korski puts it “any one of which would be reason enough for me to get rid of her…within the hour.”

Here’s the list:

* Mentally ill (including mood swings)

* Physically disabled (of any sort)

* Low energy

* Low sex drive

* Feminist

* Does not share 1 or 2 of your interests

* Fat (or will get fat)

* 9 or 10 on beauty scale

* An air head

* An intellectual

* Jealous

* Wants more than 2 kids

* Smokes (if you don’t)

* Drinks to excess

* Nags

* Doesn’t want to work

Now, as I didn’t want anyone to unnecessarily make a hideous mistake, I decided, for the good of the Stickman community, to test this out on my Thai girlfriend of 5 years. Wow! Did it work! She was out the door within minutes of my tabulating the results. I cannot believe I wasted 5 years of my life on this dud. Here are the details.

Mentally Ill: I wasn’t sure about this until I read about the “mood swings”. Boy, does she have them. She was, you’ll excuse the crudeness, horny as hell the other night and we spent a little bit of time doing what people do. 30 minutes later I was ready to go again, but she had lost interest and wanted to watch her favourite TV drama. Talk about a mood swing. From horny to couch potato in under an hour. FAIL on the mental disability.

Physical Disability: She has this twitch; I never noticed it before I started looking. And when she eats spicy food, a few hours later she is on the toilet, groaning about her stomach. Don’t even get me started about her leg cramps after we have been “doing it” for a while. FAIL on physical disability.

Low energy: Well, she hates walking when she can ride. Does that count? I have never seen her walk up a flight of stairs when taking the lift will do. When the alarm goes off in the morning she always says “5 more minutes”. FAIL on Low energy.

Low sex drive: FAIL FAIL FAIL. She never wants to go for a 2nd round, and three nights in a row is out of the question. FAIL.

Feminist: She voted for Yingluck. FAIL.

Does not share 1 or 2 of my interests: We like going to the movies, and eating out, and going dancing. But my core interests: farting, sleeping with different girls, and reading Stickman’s columns, she doesn’t get at all. (Actually, I lied. She does fart but not as entertainingly as I do). FAIL.

FAT (or will get fat): In 5 years she has fluctuated between 47 and 57 kilos. She told me when she was young she once weighed 60. Who knows what the future will bring? FAIL.

9 or 10 on beauty scale: What can I say? One man’s 9 is another man’s 5. I think she looks great so she has to FAIL. You probably would pass her.

An air head: She has a university degree, but then again it is a Thai University so what’s that worth on the world market? I asked her to name her favourite composer: Mozart or Beethoven and she had never heard of either one. I guess she’s an air head. FAIL.

An intellectual: She is now going for her MBA. Extra degrees have got to mean FAIL, but then again it is a Thai University so maybe that’s a PASS.

Jealous: Definitely FAIL. I went for a “massage” and when I got home I couldn’t perform. She guessed what had happened and threw me out to sleep on the sofa.

Wants more than 2 kids: I asked her how many kids she wanted and she said “none with you”. I guess that’s a PASS.

Smokes: She doesn’t smoke. But maybe Mr. Korski means “smoking” as in performing a certain sexual act? I better check. Let’s leave that one blank.

Drinks to excess. FAIL. She usually doesn’t drink, but when she does: Look out! It’s talking to the toilet all night long.

Nags: I was on top of her the other night, and having just finished, was lying there trying to catch my breath. She asked “how much do you weigh?” I said “90 kilos.” She said “I weigh 49. You can get off me now.” If that isn’t nagging, what is? FAIL.

Doesn’t want to work: Mr. Korski clarifies this, saying the woman should ideally bring in half the household income. My girl works full time, making a decent wage for a Thai, but I have to say I make more in a day than she makes in a month. Sorry, but that has to be a FAIL.

My apologies to Mr. Korski for taking the piss, but now I have to be honest. While the items on the check list are all reasonable and valid, in my humble opinion they only scratch the surface. That is, they don’t really get at what a woman is truly like. I could put up with a fat, nagging, low sex drive drinker as long as she had inner strength and beauty. Too many men judge women on superficial things and end up missing the essence.

I make no pretences to being able to judge a good woman from a bad. But rather than relying on Mr Korski’s check list, I would ask these questions:

1- How does she treat her family? To a Thai, the family is more important than any other relationship. If she loves and respects her family, I give her points for having a good heart.

2- How does she use her spare time? Someone who sits on a couch all day watching TV is clearly showing a lack of something.

3- How does she spend her (my) money? Carefully, thoughtfully, or wastefully?

I am certain Stickman readers can add more questions to this list.

Hamlet asked his closest friends to play on a flute, they replied they could not. Hamlet said, you cannot play on a flute but you try to play on a man? (meaning they were trying to influence the way Hamlet thought and acted.)

Can you read Thai? I suspect not. What makes you think you can “read’ a woman, especially a woman of a different culture?

I guess I will have to settle for muddling through relationships, making more mistakes than not, having fun along the way.

Because getting there is half the fun..