Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 295

  • Written by Dana
  • June 25th, 2011
  • 11 min read



INTRODUCTIONS

"My thanks are due to the Afghan Government for their kindness and co-operation in allowing me to travel in Nuristan, and to Vogue for permission to reproduce Meeting and Explorer which first appeared in it and which is now incorporated in Chapter 20.

The map to illustrate the journey is based on the maps of the Survey of India and a traverse made by Wilfred Thesiger, D. S. O. in 1956, and our own researches." — from A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush by Eric Newby
— c1958.

If you are a Stickmanbangkok. com reader and a follower of Danaism you are highly intelligent. So, it follows as the night follows the day, that you are wondering what the introducing quote piece has to do with a follow-up Thai story or essay. Answer? Nothing.

Nothing? Well, sort of. The point is that I have just lately fallen in love with Introductions as a literary form. I don't love them as much as I love standing in the lobby of the Royal Palm department store in Pattaya and watching dark skinned Malaysian women descend towards me–but I am finding them, Introductions, amusing.

Writing Introductions exclusively as a literary form can be a lot of fun. Next time you are at a loss for self centered entertainment try this: shave your crotch and private parts and then lather with a combination of rubbing alcohol and Noxzema cream, chew up a box of mentholated cough drops followed by chug-a-lugging a 12 oz. can of coke in one go, and finally; ream out your nostrils with smelling salts. Now start writing. You'll laugh and chortle like a hyena on yaa baa as you have fun writing Introductions. Trust me. It's Uncle Dana. I know what I am talking about. And one of the pleasures of writing stand alone Introductions is that you are released from the pressure of a follow-up story or essay. Think foreplay as everything.

Some of the most interesting and amusing Introductions are in books of non-fiction written by 19th and early 20th century Empire impregnated English explorers, or sons of the rich, or colonial administrators in faraway lands. I have written twenty original Introductions of my own that I intend to use in future submissions as non-related starters, or as stand alone amusements. This Introduction business reminds me of a gentleman in Pattaya who used to hand out upon first meeting someone a self-written business card that described his noteworthy features, skills, personality specialties, and 'way-beyond-humble' opinion of himself. Since he possessed none of the qualities or skills on the business card it was fun-to-hysterical and a great ice breaker. So let's examine this irrelevant Introduction from A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush as a goofy icebreaker and now read smiling:

"My thanks are due to the Afghan Government for their kindness and co-operation in allowing me to travel in Nuristan, and to Vogue for permission to reproduce Meeting and Explorer which first appeared in it and which is now incorporated in Chapter 20.

The map to illustrate the journey is based on the maps of the Survey of India and a traverse made by Wilfred Thesiger, D. S. O. in 1956, and our own researches." — from A Short Walk in the Hindu Kush by Eric Newby
— c1958.

As the above Introduction goes it is unremarkable and yet still it charms, delivering some but not enough information to banish mystery and curiosity. What's the Kush? If you pick the chicken apart with a small tined fork it is amazing what you end up with. Survey of India? What's that? The country of Nuristan? How come I can't find that on my globe? Who is Wilfred Thesiger, D. S. O.? And what is D. S. O.? Etc.

Just my farang brain thinking here but maybe someone should start a Stickmanbangkok. com website department that just posts the Introductions to stories and essays (or non-existing stories and essays). No stories or essays, just the Introductions. And of course the opportunities for hyperbole, absurdity, stupidity, and fun in writing your own stand alone Introductions are endless. Not on board with this idea yet? Ok, consider this Introduction to the movie FASTER, PUSSYCAT KILL KILL by Russ Meyer. We will use material put together by Jimmy McDonough in his excellent book Big Bosoms and Square Jaws.

At the start of the movie — "An imperious, testosterone-heavy voice intones: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of violence . . . while violence cloaks itself in a plethora of disguises, its favorite mantle still remains sex . . . let's examine closely then, this dangerously evil creation, this new breed, encased and contained within the supple skin of woman–the softness is there, the unmistakable smell of female . . . but a word of caution: handle with care and don't drop your guard. This rapacious new breed prowls both alone and in packs . . . who are they? One might be your secretary, your doctor's receptionist . . . or a dancer in a go-go bar!"

Cut to an eye-popping triad of outrageous, impossibly built women shimmying with frenzied abandon. A swaggering, bargain basement Tom Jones chest-beater belts out a number on the soundtrack–"She will tease and taunt you and she'll take just what she wants/you belong to pussycat . . . " Close up of gyrating, disembodied breasts and hips. Cut! A shiny, alluring jukebox. Cut! Leering, predatory faces of cigar-chomping manimals impotently cheering the women on: "Go, baby go!!! Wail!" Cut! Cut! Cut! Each new shot seems to add another crazy angle, another fabulous detail. The montage makes your head spin.

Cut to raven-haired, black gloved Varla–one of the dancers–head thrown back and cackling maniacally as she hammers the gas pedal of a gleaming Porsche. Vrrrrooom! Varla's an evil bitch. Half Cherokee, half Japanese, and all woman, this heavy-lidded, sneering, ultra-beautiful creature looks more alien than human. The Porsche screams down a Mojave Desert highway, the head of a menacing trio of bisexual go-go superwomen itching to annihilate any man who gets in their way. FASTER, PUSSYCAT KILL KILL screams the title. And that is just the first two minutes of the picture. Yikes?" — again thanks to Jimmy McDonough of the book Big Bosoms and Square Jaws.

THE FIRST TWO MINUTES? All this in just the first two minutes?? You mean this was only the Introduction? How do you feel about Introductions now? Imagine if this was a written Introduction? Wait a minute, at one time it was a written Introduction. It is called script writing and storyboarding. This was a written Introduction at one time. God bless the screenwriter for taking the concept of Introductions seriously.

Below are three examples of Introductions written by me:

Example One: Introduction

Greetings Stickmanites and Dana fans–Dana here to tell you (maybe warn you) that this week's essay is titled DANA GOES UNDERCOVER IN A TRANNY PRISON. That's right folks (and fans). I went underground costumed as a tranny in the interests of journalism to get the story on what it is like in the Thai government's prison devoted to transvestites. Now here is the warning part: if you find hot, grinding, animal sex mixed with screeching raging eyeball busting butt dart violence and crimes committed against carrots and avocados and flashlights and light bulbs and bananas disturbing–whatever you do, do not read the following essay called DANA GOES UNDERCOVER IN A TRANNY PRISON.

Example Two:

Dana here fans and fxxxers to announce and introduce my eye witness account BATTLE OF THE SEXES: NANA STYLE. Perhaps a quote from this above titled report would be all we need for an Introduction.

"The cherry picker parked on Soi 4 between the Mothership (Nana Hotel) and the N. E. P. (Nana Entertainment Plaza) sign was extended to it's full height. In the bucket was Marc Holt and Union Hill. Marc was holding a pink starter flag (girls) and a blue starter flag (boys) up in a fully extended V sign. Behind him Union Hill was holding up two flare guns in a similar arms fully extended anatomy.

Below them was crowd of 15,000 bargirls and 50,000 farangs. Even odds. The bargirls were naked, covered with baby oil, and wearing backpacks. The farangs were wearing T- shirts, crotchless beach pants, and flip flops. Every pair of pants had a wallet in it with ten thousand baht. The game?

When the flare guns went off and the starter flags came down the girls had thirty minutes to get as many wallets as possible and stuff them in their teddy bear backpacks. In the same thirty minutes the guys had to 'get' as many slippery (baby oil) girls as possible. All guys had been given syringe needle shots to the base of the penis for non-stop erections and all the girls had been mamasan-trained in genital kick boxing techniques."

Well, there is a quote Introduction from my eyewitness account BATTLE OF THE SEXES: NANA STYLE. But of course the quote is only the Introduction. Wouldn't it be great to have a book of nothing but Introductions? I think so. I think it would be fun. Introductions because of short word count and their important job in capturing the reader's attention have to be pithy and punchy. Perhaps there is a literary form here that is not getting enough attention. Here is another example of an Introduction:

Example Three: Introduction

Greetings fellow dribblers and shooters. The following is a brief Introduction to my story FA AND CHIANG MAI KELLY. A quote follows:

"Chiang Mai Kelly had earlier had breakfast at the Sportsman's Club on Soi 13/0 with the Danameister and now he was on the boardwalk opposite the A. A. Hotel. He was in a contemplative, centered, zen-like mood and beyond seduction. Then Fa showed up.

Dressed in sandals, tight white jeans, and a red silk top she ran through her usual seduction tricks in front of Mr. Kelly. Nothing. Chiang Mai Kelly was a stone dead visage of inner calm and advanced reflection. Then she pulled the purse trick. Attempted by many but mastered by few, the purse trick was the sexual German 88 shell of experienced free lancers.

Standing in front of CMK she raised her purse over her head and then turned it upside down. Out onto the boardwalk fell tampons, bits of make-up tools, lipsticks, mirror, tweezers, yaa baa, cell phones, address book, condoms, picture of Dana holding up a bucket full of glass ashtrays with his erect turgid member, I. O. U. from Marc Holt dated March 1983, salt and pepper shakers, salt packets, bag of cotton balls, Thai-English dictionary, snack foods, camera, jewelry, panties, stolen clock, stolen TV clicker, picture of monk, comb, hairbrush, knife, love letters from guy in Iceland, currency exchange receipts, Western Union paperwork, hotel soaps, hotel washcloth, hotel hair gels, hotel bubble bath, two old hotel keys, empty Pad Thai bowl, package of noodles, soda straws, stolen coffee cream and sugar packets, one sock, pair high heeled shoes, unopened bag of squid snacks, shower cap, roll of toilet paper, stolen silverware, etc. She then stepped over the items, turned her back to Kelly, bent double, and proceeded to pick up the items one by one. Her waving ass in Kelly's face combined with her happy smiling face peering at him through and around her legs was devastating. He only lasted a part of two minutes. Fellow boardwalk denizens clapped as they went off arm and arm."

Well, that's my Introduction to the story FA AND CHIANG MAI KELLY guys. And what happened between Fa and CMK next? You have to read the story. This is only an Introduction. Happy reading.

In my opinion some of the most satisfying Introductions preface accounts of British empire males in India or in Africa in the 19th and early 20th centuries. Elitism, plenty of youth, plenty of money, plenty of bullets, native girls available starting at the age of 13, and often a complete lack of individual or societal self-reflection.

Example: from the Introduction to Colonel R. Meinertzhagen's KENYA DIARY (1902-1906)

"My five years in Kenya resulted from a snipe shoot in Burma."

and

"Two criticisms may occur to the reader: one, the excessive taking of human life; the other, the slaughter of game."

Ah, the British Empire, what days of glory for young rich white males. Few of us will ever be able to post entries like those above in the Introductions of our memoirs. I wonder what their Introductions to Thailand trip reports would have been like if they had spent like time in Siam where they would have been able to happily slaughter game, abuse the locals, kidnap women, and pontificate about civilized values and Christianity. I guess it is our loss that Africa and India looked more attractive.

So that's it guys: Introductions considered as stand-alone literary forms. Get involved. Write up some Introductions so compelling that readers clamor for more Introductions. A book full of nothing but Introductions. Make yourself the main character. Have fun.

Introductorily yours, Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

Just more to go.