Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 294

  • Written by Dana
  • June 18th, 2011
  • 5 min read


Attn: Dana fans–

A critical literary biography of Dana's body of work is being prepared. Literary criticism, insight, and love in service to the finest living writer in the English language. Learn to go behind the writer and content curtain and see how and why the words, and the ideas, and the images were strung together. Board the text knowledge train and take Dana and Danaism within yourself. Be all that you can be and feel the nirvana of being elevated to a higher plane of Dana writing consciousness.

The final research, the final white board outline, the concept blocking, the endless meetings and arguments, interviews with Dana at his manse in Boston and at his sixth floor ocean facing suite at the A.A. Hotel in Pattaya, interviews with Fa and Da and Bang and Ting and Mort and Sunisa and Wan, as well as interviews with Pattaya Gary and Union Hill and Chiang Mai Kelley and BKKSW and 500 Baht Walt and Marc Holt: all has been done.

Remaining? Various interviews with readers in 189 countries (includes the Vatican) plus interviews with stateside instructors and professors at colleges and universities of creative writing. Speaking of creative writing: following is part of the interview with Marc Holt–

Interviewer: Marc, how would you characterize Dana's writing?
Marc Holt: What does characterize mean?

Interviewer: Marc, what skills and genius and personally idiosyncratic writing meteors in the literary sky set Dana's writing apart and make him the greatest living text presenter in the English language?
Marc Holt: Are you going to tell me what 'characterize' means or are you going to play butt darts with my dingo?

Ok, I think the point is made. This fifty thousand word illustrated monograph will rock the world of writers and readers the way carefully researched literary criticism should. So stay tuned and put your ear on the rail. Hear that faraway sound? Feel the vibrations? The Dana literary criticism document train is coming. Hey, is it great to be alive or what?

Learn how to deconstruct during and after reading a story, or an essay, or a one act play, or poetry by Dana. Experience the thrill ride of literary Dana knowledge as he rollercoasters from genius to sheer genius and you are sitting beside him with your arms up and you are screaming.

Interviewer: Marc, would you like sit next to Dana on a rollercoaster with your arms up and screaming?
Marc Holt: I got your thrill ride right here in my pants Yank.

But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is a recent investment opportunity that crashed through my window attached to a rock. It is part of a Dana Fan Club Monthly Update (DFCMU) and appears below. Yes, normally all matters regarding the Dana Fan Club are secret and available to Dana Fan Club members only: but I publish this as a warning. It's all about the humanity with me and always had been.

Dana Fan Club Monthly Update (3/2011) excerpt:

Greetings Dana Fan Club Members from the Rajah Soi 4 building of Dana Enterprises; Bangkok, Thailand. I wei to you out of respect and admiration. Also my back hurts. Anyway:

Because I have more money than the guy who lends money to God I am constantly fielding investor prospectuses, emails, snail mails, faxes, and rocks thrown through my office window with notes attached regarding great investments I should get involved in (aka–risk my money on).
Example:

Recently I received this partial technical description of a 'new, revolutionary, visionary, totally original, market busting, state-of-the-art' condom. Imagine your standard condom (well, you'll have to do that–I haven't seen one in years) with all of this modern stuff attached:

1. chromium lubricating pump
2. nut prodding piston slammer
3. camshaft calibrator
4. piston activated pressure release valve
5. personal raised titanium monogram
6. attached miniature video camera
7. variable inertia free spring balance
8. fast rotating barrel
9. spline screws
10. winding barrel teeth and third wheel pinion

That's right Dana Fan Club fans and non-Dana Fan Club fans: all this was a part of the new condom I was being asked to invest in. As an extra incentive to invest I was offered a gross (144) of the first ones manufactured to test myself. Well, first of all; I don't use condoms and don't knowingly mix with men who do. But more to the business point–I just don't see this much technology in close proximity to a penis as a good thing. Especially the parts about:

1. fast rotating barrel
2. barrel teeth
3. screws
4. rollamatic guide bar (forgot to mention)
5. sprocket nose bearing (forgot to mention)
6. and most especially the 'nut prodding piston slammer' — if a nut prodding piston slammer is going to get near my private parts she better have breasts and a smile. Maybe that's just me.

When I am drilling for oil in one of the new back rooms at the Dynasty Hotel because I couldn't get into the Mothership across the street with Ling or Ping or Ding or Wing I don't want any sprockets, or screws, or barreled teeth near my nose bearing if you get my meaning.

But if you believe these new modern condoms are the future just get in touch with this website and they will . . . ok, I have no idea what they will do. Excess profits from this website are now being channeled into Thai movie production, Chinese bankers' sons fake Viagra manufacturing facilities, and the franchising of portable monger photo studios. I assume this website will have it's profit paws in this new 'revolutionary' condom. Just don't call me is all. The only interesting thing on the subject of condoms is which girls insist on them. If you have a list of those girls send it to:

Dana Enterprises Inc.
Rajah Building–1st floor
Rajah Hotel
Soi 4, Sukhumvit Road
Bangkok, Thailand

That list of party killers will be distributed worldwide to protect men who want to live as men and not have their time wasted. That is what we do with excess profits here at Dana Enterprises Inc. It's all about the humanity.

Who loves you baby?
Dana Does


Stickman's thoughts:

Dana does it again!