Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 293

  • Written by Dana
  • June 11th, 2011
  • 5 min read



ALL ONE

Greetings Stickman and Dana fans and all the ships at sea: There is a popular idea that Nature is all One. You know, that we are all connected in some happy non-debatable, synergistic, symbiotic, wholeistic, ying yang . . . ok, we are all one. If we just look for the connections we all realize that planet Earth is actually an organism and we are all servants to the whole. Or something.

Ok, look–this the idea de century and if it was a sick three-legged soi dog you couldn't kill it with a stick. To wit: trees breath. Really, do they ever cough? Whales sing to each other. Who says? What about the whales that are tone deaf–like me? Babies in the womb can hear what you are saying in a meaningful way. Really? Who says? Etc. Well, I don't want to sound like Skippy Skeptic but I am not sure about a lot of this stuff. But I did run across something the other day that made me scratch my head and say: "Maybe". To wit:

"In recent years, scientists have discovered that 95 percent of the contents of the cosmos is invisible to all current methods of direct detection. Yet something is definitely there, governing the shape and fate of our universe. These phenomena, called dark matter and dark energy, are the most eagerly studied subjects in astronomy and particle physics today. And for good reason–What could be more exciting than cracking the mystery of the fundamental components and composition of the universe?" — The Teaching Company

Now watch Danafans, and all the ships at sea: with a few scientific, non-debatable, synergistic, symbiotic substitutions we get:

"In recent years, scientists have discovered that 95 percent of the contents of the Pattaya boardwalk is invisible to all current methods of direct detection. Yet something is definitely there, governing the shape and fate of our monger lives. These phenomena, called dark pussy and dark intentions, are the most eagerly studied subjects in mongerism and Pattaya's skanks today. And for good reason–What could be more exciting than cracking the mystery of the fundamental components and composition of our monger lives?"

Spooky huh? A perfect whoreistic match between science and skanks. Wholeistic? Whoreistic? I'm convinced. Goodbye Skippy Sceptic–hello Modern Believer. Hey, quit beating on that soi dog. We are all one.

But that is not really what I want to talk about today Stickmanites. What I really want to talk about today is a story called WORSE OFF THAN ME, and I start it with a dedication:

I dedicate this to my transvestite manservant–houseboy–butler Benz. We traveled the world together for eleven years and she never let me down. Benz died of a cerebral event while bent double on a staggering train in the Thai countryside buttoning my spats. She died in service to someone superior to her in every way thus securing a place for herself in heaven. I had her cremated with a flower in her rectum. Who doesn't love flowers? And now for an observation titled:

WORSE OFF THAN ME

Are you like me? Do you find sometimes that rearranging your sock drawer and crouching in the cold dark corner of a furnitureless room while eating out of a can of tuna fish fills up a whole Saturday? You don't have to raise your hands or rattle your empty tuna fish cans: I'm just putting out personal information as something to think about. I think that might be one of the mostly subliminal attractions to Thailand for me. To wit: there are people in the Kingdom even worse off than I am worse off. Examples:

1. You are walking down the street trying to find a BJ bar and you happen to see a truck with hoses and pumps and tanks and generators parked by the curb. The storm grate in the street has been pulled up. Then out from the storm grate hole pop up one or two Thai guys. Short, young, and black. Black? Covered head-to-toe in stygian black mud and filth. Their job is to clean the blocked up sewer pipes. These guys are worse off than I am.

Note from my editor:

"Hey, Dana–what about the girls at the BJ bar. Aren't they worse off than you?"
Me: "I'm not sure."

2. You are somewhere between Soi 5 and Robinson's Department Store on Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok and you run into whore touts. These guys stop foreigners, show them a brochure that presents the features and benefits of some whore house, and then try to get you into a taxi. I have never once seen them be successful. These guys are worse off than I am. They might know the answer to the question about the BJ bar (see above) though.

3. If you turn left on South Road off Beach Road in Pattaya there is a bar on the right with lots of birdcages hanging outside. Like birds do you? Beware. Show an interest in the birds and the birdman will come out. He is an ancient farang with a ravaged face, teeth you don't want to look at, heavy lidded reptile eyes, cratered cheeks, and lips no human would want to kiss (not enough beers and not enough money in the world). BIRDMAN. This human train wreck is definitely worse off than I am. And I hope with all the human hope in me that he is no girl's customer at the BJ bar I go to.

So there you have three examples of why I like to go to Thailand: humans I pity. I've got some other examples I could write about but I've got to go. I've got to rearrange my sock drawer and open a can of tuna fish. Night is falling and as usual I am alone again. It's a life.
__________________________

About the author:

Dana is a coal black 6'7" former Nigerian Olympic powerlifting champion who lives on Beacon Hill in Boston and dedicates himself to worldwide mongering, mongering consulting issues, and mongering research. He is available through publisher's agent for courtroom mongering issue testimony, editing of mongering texts, and writer's book signings. He is especially popular for writer book signing events on the campuses of all white Catholic girls' schools. He is currently working on his nineteenth book titled:

Miner's Headlamp and Cheese Smell Detector: A Pussy Licker's Tool Kit.

Sales rep., volume discount, and wholesale book buyer purchasing agent inquiries should be made to:

We'll Publish Anything Ltd. (WPAL)
Soi 8
Moo 9
Clitenheimer Hotel
Suite 212
Pattaya, Thailand
Attn: Ms. Boomboom Bongtwat


Stickman's thoughts:

The post office is going to be busy.