Sexless in the Maldives
There might not be a book in us all, but there’s surely a Thai girl story or two, so after a very long time reading but not contributing to this invaluable website, I thought I might share one of the more humiliating girlfriend incidents I’ve experienced as a married but lifelong player with a penchant for Asian pussy.
By way of background, I’ve lived in Thailand for half my life, speak fluent Thai, and have been married to a Thai for most of my 22 year stay in this country. Her father was a 2 star general before the daily bottle of Johnny Dam eventually took its toll. Not a bar girl, far from it. Top honors student at Chula actually.
The wife was amazing in every way until she had kids. The brats spoiled and soiled her, destroyed that 23 inch waist and tight ass, and left me with a disinterested grandmother in the making. The change was sudden and the trend irreversible, and I soon found myself doing more than just taking bar girls, hitting all the top massage parlors, actively perusing office girls no matter how young or seemingly hard to get, and shagging an obscene number of freelancers in the high end clubs and hotel bars. I visited the 4 floors in Singapore more often than I care to remember, reveling in the variety and nuances one needs to know when dealing with the VC girls, the useless English of the Indos, the Ruskies and derivatives thereof, and best of all the hot Aussie chicks doing the rounds. I leave out the Philippines, because they’re too brain dead and annoying to bother with for the most part, however cute.
I copied the well-off Thai guys around me in cultivating ‘mia noi’ relationships at different stages, calculating well in advance so I’d always have something tasty on call…or nearly.
I convinced myself that sex with the wife every six weeks or so would surely kill me well before the sell-by date, and like my Thai chums, and relatives as well, I whored, wined dined and got blasted with my never ending line of Thai mia noi types. Good(ish) girls, office fodder, a few ‘aspiring artists’ but for the most part, the type of local lady not readily accessible to expats who don’t speak Thai well.
So along comes Ne. Assistant manager at a travel agency in BKK. Probably earning Thb.20-25k at the time (2007). Nice bod, face, looks kind of innocent….hmmm, me likes immediately. Six or seven dinners later, I was not getting through and the stop loss button was within days of being hit. I inadvertently mentioned I was planning a trip to the Maldives, and all of a sudden …”Pai duay” was echoing in my ear like a hound on heat, and suddenly the greatest show of emotion, affection and bodily gyrations I had ever seen from the girl stunned me for a minute or two. So you want to “pai duay pai duay” do you, sweetie? Right then, endgame in sight. Shall give her a solid seeing to in the Maldives then. At that moment in time I’d have bet my entire net worth on me banging this girl senseless the minute we arrived at the resort.
Off to the Maldives, Four Seasons pool villa for the record. Nice. Went biz on Singapore Airlines from BKK. First night looked promising. I assumed she was a done deal. How could one think otherwise? Winded dined and sweet talked in Thai to her, all the right(ish) moves. Or so I thought. She showered, I contemplated whacking it so as to make to the fist cum a long one….but didn’t. I showered. Cleaned my helmet with Germanic obsession. Hotel towel entwined for politeness.
Now it takes time to teach a good Thai lass the intricacies of one's desires in the sack. Poolside…one mile high….on the balcony, in the car….. and all that, but that night I was already pre programmed to accept a nibble at the gates, maybe an hour of kissing until I found her ‘spots’, and a solid but quckish bang – doggy and missionary if the truth were to be told. First time after all.
I went in, she on the very fuckworthy bed, to the left, my good side, I took her hip with a firm grip. Next was a kiss behind the ear….but shit..fuck….she bolted, and sat up, pushing me off with both hands and what seemed like a spider or two worth of legs and feet, and the next thing I knew I was on the frigging floor, bashed from a banging before I even saw the gates…or those nubile nipps.
I tried again. Tried talking a few words. But oh no, mad bitch went in to full muay Thai mode, and fended me off better than any bouncer I’ve had the displeasure of dueling pretty much anywhere. Fuck, I even had a bottle of Dom open, 2 glasses poured and the bitch wasn’t complying at all. Repulsed it seemed.
If at first you don’t exceed, try…and get your balls mashed. And that I did. I was frigging incensed that a Thai mai noi in the making would refuse my none too shabby advances and gifts from God (Dom). But she did, and I was gutted. Rejection, a most fuckworthy pad courtesy of Four Seasons, and a mad frigid tart from Bangkok, willing to pull a fast one on me, in a room alone, just to have a few days on the frigging beach that was all but washed away a year or two earlier with the tsunami. I was almost at rape stage, lucky I didn’t cane the champagne before trying it on, otherwise murder on the beach we would have had.
And that was day 1. I actually tried again after about half an hour drinking. Twice, but the screams turned me from horny to very annoyed, so I drank the entire bottle (Magnum) and the lion’s share of the mini bar too.
I fell in to a drunken stupor beside the girl I should be hammering from behind for the 3rd time, and all I can remember is telling myself she deserves to be raped, hanged and pumped up the pooter until she begs to start the evening over.
Woke the next morning to an empty bed. Oh, so we are going home, are we? I’d be so lucky. Fuck I was mad, but a cunt enough to see revenge might not require the cold silver platter in this case. Spa, bars restaurants…boats. All told not to give the crazed fannyless bitch anything more than bottled water. (Wanted to ask them to serve her a piss & spunk cocktail , but refrained.) Always the gentleman you see.
Wonder where the bitch has gone. God I wanted to slap her. The room phone went and some French resident manager twat said he wanted to see sir for a quick discreet word. Ok then. What the fuck is it? The ensuing face time with Mr. French was precious. Seems bitch told them we were not married, just friends, and I had tried to molest her. No rape word at this stage. I was livid. I put the record straight and French said this type of incident happens more than you think! So I am not alone in being taken for a complete and utter plonker then? Surely not. He said the hotel has a policy of respecting a couple's privacy, and had no intention of escalating the issue, but warned me that the bitch might lodge a complaint in Male, and if that happens, I would be in serious poo, given the locals are Muslims and the legal system not entirely easy to navigate.
Day 2 going well then, so I went diving to clear my head and she did little I guess. Not that I cared beyond a 5th chance stab anymore. And that went tits up, and ended in my spending nearly 300 bucks for a bottle of Jack D. That really pissed me off. Note to self. The Maldives are cunts for banning duty free.
So the second night ended badly, but I managed to remain calm and was drunk enough to pass out, even with mad bitch in the bed. Where I come from this level of brass neckishness simply isn’t allowed. For a Thai, “Na Daan” to such a level was a first for me, and to this day I have avoided the Maldives even though I used to really love an annual trip there.
The dive and bourbon assisted sleep had me thinking a tad more objectively, so a cunning plan was devised. Hugely childish in retrospect, but my bruised ego was probably squeezing my brain like a tennis ball sized tumor, and the bastard in me ruled.
First off I rifled her suitcase and took all the bras. Forced braless-ness for Thais never goes down well. Buried them on the beach. Then I decided to have a wee chat now I wasn’t drunk, and given it would be in Thai, I asked her to come to one of the restaurants so we could discuss the situation like adults. Or one adult bitch and one evil practical joke artist, with a brain tumor.
I thought a good old rant and rave at her in public would do wonders for the ego healing process, and given her English was poor, I could lace some foulness in for the benefit of onlookers, and have double the fun.
It went something like this. “Ne, I really thought you liked me, and when you asked to “pai duay’ I thought we were moving on to the next level”. Why did you push me away like that? So you came here with no intention of romance between us?
Silence and mildly embarrassed smiles was the best she could muster.
So I went a bit harder. “You knew fine well I would try and kiss you and make love to you. I know you did, and you know I did. So why the screaming and punching?”
More timid smiles, continued silence.
“You cheated me. Do you realize how expensive this place is? If I wanted a sexless holiday with a female I’d have invited my mother, you really shouldn’t have tricked me like this. I am really pissed off at you for treating me like a fool Ne.”
I’m sorry Ka….
Well fuck me it speaks! Such a timid and pathetic response got me going though. Have always liked a bit of a fight.
“Oh so you planned this all along? Why? You work in a fucking travel agency, you could have come here yourself if it was that important to you. So how many other idiots like me have you cheated like this? Fuck, I can’t believe you took me for a fool Ne.”
Voice properly annoyed and raised to the point of disturbing others by now.
“So who gave you the idea to fool a guy in to taking you to one of the best resorts in the world then? Your mother? Is she a cheating whore as well. Repeated in English for good measure. Getting cross now are we? How sad. “I didn’t
think you were like this Ne. I thought you were a decent honest girl. But no, you’re worse than a scheming Pattaya hooker, taking a nice guy like me as an idiot so you can travel in luxury? English for yet more effect.
Over comes a hotel person…. Sir, we really must ask you to keep your voice down.“
Could you keep your voice down if you took a girl here and she kicked you off the fucking bed for no apparent reason? Where I come from we call it a royal scam mate, cheating lying deceitful bitch she is, and as far as I am concerned I couldn’t give a fuck if anyone can here me, I’ve been fucked over by the bitch, can’t you see?
Yes sir, but please try and discuss matters with your friend a little more quietly or we will have to ask you to leave the public areas for the privacy of your suite, sir.
She was close to tears now, but I wanted a raging torrent.
I was chain smoking, as it was the one thing she had voiced an opinion over, and obviously didn’t like it. At this point we were rudely interrupted by one of the guests. A French bloke sitting not too far away, with a fat wife.
Second frog of the day…this twat asked me to kindly put out my cigarette as it was disturbing his wife. Fucking hell. “It’s a smoking table man, that means I can smoke all fucking day long.” Frog tried to tell me that smoking is bad, so he got the foulest mouthful of abuse of them all, which of course was really meant for bitch. He looked as if he was going to throw a punch, so I head butted him good and proper, and he had to stagger to a seat for the remaining torrent and deluge of abuse.
Luckily my anger and extremely bad language pushed bitch over the edge and we had a decent breakdown in progress, but it ended badly, with the resort manager and several minions ready to physically expel me from the restaurant, that much was clear. Not one to back down, I gave them a mouthful too, and to cut a very ugly half hour of anger short, got myself and bitch kicked off the island and boated back to the airport.
There was no flight on Singapore until the following day, so I booked another resort for myself, threw a hundred dollar bill in front of the girl and told her to go and fuck over some other idiot if she wanted to sleep in a bed that night.
The moral of the story is simple. Don’t take a Thai girl to the Maldives until you’ve made sure she opens her legs.
I laughed and laughed!
This sort of thing would appear to happen rather often. A mate was telling me how he took a bird to Pattaya recently and she would not put out. He put her on the first bus back to Bangkok the next morning. No doubt Pattaya is somewhat better than the Maldives for finding a "replacement"!