Stickman Readers' Submissions May 10th, 2011

Hart of Darkness Part 9

Seven PM, The Rose…

Saunter outside. There's the President, the girls in back. Beemo and Fun lounging and puffing some clove cheeroots on the hood.

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"Let's get some grub!"

Beemo takes us to another open air place, this one higher class, better lit and specialising in seafood. I order for everyone. Scallops in white wine butter in the shell, Singapore Style crabs, Garlic Prawns, Lobster Thermidor….

The girls look ready to eat – in every sense. The five of us are seated at a big circular table, the girls to my left and right – to help with the feeding. Ha!ha!.

Frosties all round!

A pink, piggy-faced pommy and his battered Thai wife front up and seat themselves at our table unannounced and uninvited. He's got up in a short-sleeved striped seersucker number and matching shorts, a sola topee completing the ensemble.
The wife looks like she's wearing a garbage bag.

"Name's Oswald, the wife's Pu." – in a kind of Mr Bean mumble.

"Bless you, my son. So sometimes you're in the poo?! Ha! Ha!"

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Daggers from Pu.

His get-up reminds me of the old days on Beach Road. The Rooted, The Stupid and The Safari Suited!

Our entrees start to arrive. Oswald drools over my scallops.

"Can't eat seafood. Allergy." he piggishly posits.

They order flied lice and water. Pu shoots more daggers at big-spender Ozzie.

"Where you from, Ozzie?"



“United Kingdom. Was in Thailand. Can't meet the income test. Try our luck here.”

More daggers from Pu.

“United Kingdom…hmmmmm. They start drinking their own urine there in 1953,Old Cock? Everybody there in a time warp for 58 years?”

“What do you mean?”

“Should be the United Queendom old son. Gotta keep up with the times. It's not too late, Old Boy.”

“Great Britain!!” Ozzie squeaks.

“What's great about about it, Old Chum? The generous pension scheme?”

Daggers from both Ozzie and Pu.

More of our spread arrives.

Ozzie accidently on purpose knocks my frostie off the table and, while I'm occupied retrieving the bottle, makes a grab for one of my scallops.


“Wouldn't want an allergy attack, Old Son. Can't see myself giving you mouth to maw, Old Cock!”

Pu shovels the last of the lice into her skinny gullet and pulls Ozzie up to leave.

This turbulent priest is too much.

“Seizure!! Wooden wanna beezhya!! Ha, ha!”

We finish our food and the invoice arrives. I scan it for padding. Ozzie's lice has somehow made it's way onto our bill.

“Beemo! Audit this!”

Jibberish follows between the waiters and the canny chimp.

“Meestah Hart! Meestah Hart! They make mistake!”

Beaming Beemo proudly proffers the amended invoice.

It's gone up!!! You're a team player Beemo, I'll say that for you!

I pay anyway. It's only monopoly money after all.

“Bar-hopping time Beemo!! Ha! Ha!”

We get on the street. More hoots, catcalls and whistles from the pack of black vinyl and denim jeans clad punks lounging on their bikes.

“Jealousy's a curse, boys!”

No streetlights in Nagoya. You're on a bar-ad neon chain to Hades.

First Stop. Red Cock Inn. Frosties all round.

“A word in your shell-like Beemo.”

“Scoot over to the supermarket and pick me up a couple vinyl blow-up li-lo's and a bottle of baby oil. Gonna be a oily massage-o-rama at The Rose tonight!”

Do the Rounds. Girls getting tipsy. Feeling a bit soupy myself.

“Time, Gentlemen please!!!”

Inside The Rose…

Two hours of sexual gymnastics with the girls. Then I'm sated. Then the strangest thing happens. Sanari pulls out a bottle of some herbal menthol shit and rubs a bit on Ramziyah's spine. Then she gets a coin and starts scratching
violently on the spine. Ramziyah seems to be enjoying the whole painful experience. Spine's turning red. Sanari asks me if I want too? “Erm, no, actually.”

Sleepy…..more plans roiling in my head.

The girls politely ask to be excused.

“Yeah. Your work here is done. Take a hike ladies. Here's some taxi money. Dominus Vobiscum! Ha! Ha!”

To be continued…

Stickman's thoughts:

I gave up at part 2.

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