Readers' Submissions

The Removalists

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 23rd, 2011
  • 4 min read


Hi Somchai, how are you?

I'm good Lurchai, long time no see!

Yeah, I've been busy making a buck.

How so?

I'm in the removal business now. So many farangs are leaving and they need people to do the hard work.

So what's that got to do with you?

You're so funny Somchai but really without us Isaan folk the farangs couldn't manage.

I see but how about the other way, our livelihood without farangs!

You're absolutely right mate. Now that so many of them are leaving we'll be on hard times. Some of them are taking our women with them though and hopefully they'll send some loot our way by Western Union.

Yep, they sure will. So don't spend it all on moonshine and lottery tickets.

The lottery tickets are my missus' job. How is your wife by the way?

She is good as well as her Yerman husband. You should be so lucky!

Yeah, I could only get a few lousy baht for my daughter's hand in holy matrimony to a Scotsman.

They're such keeneow bastards and you can't understand a word they say.

Well I don't understand any Yerman either but the wife does. At least her pussy does.

You've always been lucky Somchai, my daughter is illiterate all over her body.

Hmmm..it's all your fault, you didn't instill Thai culture into her.

I see. Who told you that?

Some do-gooder farang from America. He thinks we're good for nothing sex machines. Actually I am but he didn't mean menfolk.

I didn't know you socialise with farangs!

You don't know a lot of things! Farangs are easy to mix with, they believe in equality, especially Americans.

So you've got an American friend?

Yep but unfortunately he is leaving too. Fed up with our culture he said. The corruption, lying, prostitution, lack of family values just some of the things he hates. Too bad because he was quite profitable to be with. Couldn't speak a word of Thai and needed someone to hold his hand where ever he went.

I see. I bet you accompanied him to many a places at night, hey?

I did but he never indulged in the better things in life, just wanted to eat burgers and drink Coke. Funny that but he didn't mind soapy parlours. He said he hates paying for it but if it's a massage it gets through his value system.

What's his value system?

Buggered if I know or care. As long as I got my cut and he could use me as a subterfuge it was ok.

Well ok by me anyway and as far as his family who cares. I'm not his keeper.

So he is leaving now and you'll be much the poorer for it?

That is so. Hard to find a cash cow like this again. With the Japanese in trouble with natural disasters I'll have to learn Chinese and Hindi now.

I'm sure you'll manage, you always bounce back. You're not a typical Isaan lad.

You're wrong Lurchai, that's what everyone wants to believe but we always get the better of most everybody. Take my American friend, he thinks he knows everything because he's got several computers, cameras, GPS, and other gadgets. But common sense is worth more than all that and he is lacking in that. I tried to tell him but he doesn't respect Isaan wisdom.

I wouldn't mind getting a bit of that wisdom myself Somchai.

Well you know you can't fight your genes. There's room for nincompoops like you too.

Thanks Somchai, you're a real friend. What's a nincompoop?

Never mind Lurchai. You don't need to know everything. So coming back to the removal business you're in, does that mean thieving?

No it doesn't. I'm not a kamoy! I just get stuff surplus to requirements. They'd just throw them away anyway.

Like what?

Like condoms, Kamigra, porn, Tabasco sauce….

You mean K-Y jelly?

I don't know what that is. Is it an American sweet?

No, it's a lubricant.

I don't have a car Somchai but it might come in handy for the motocy.

Idiot! It's a lubricant for slipping it in to starfish.

Don't have an aquarium either!

Shit, you're such an ignorant bastard. Forget it, when we do it we never need a lubricant, there's natural fish sauce in there.

He he he…! I see what you mean now! Why do you talk in circles?

Because if I talked straight you'd blush! So when is your next job?

Tomorrow. A farang needs to leave in a hurry or he'll be fed to the ducks. Or tied to a balloon. Or minced in a meat grinder.

Ok then. Off you go and don't forget to charge him extra for saving his manhood. While you're doing that you'll be saving our motherhood as well. For every women you save from a life of crime will produce multiple off springs.

See you later Somchai. Good luck with Hindi, it helps if you're double jointed in your neck!


Stickman's thoughts:

These two clowns always make me laugh!