Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 281
Attention Stickmanites Worldwide: what follows is a Dana Fan Club update. Fire up your printers.
In the last thirty days we have had 82 applications and 4 were accepted. In the same period 176 members were de-Dana'd for various infractions, attitude issues, protocol violations, dues not paid, fashion errors, expressing opinions not my own, and talking to Fa. Talking to Fa is of course a police matter.
Those 176 former Dana Fan Club members are stricken from the rolls for eternity and even longer. Their names are chiseled off the black marble plinth housed in the crystal mountain on Ko Larn. Additionally, their friends and family (including pets) are also permanent lifetime persona-non-Dana. Don't let this happen to you. Review your needs and what I can offer. The choice is clear.
These numbers: 4 accepted and 176 thrown out in the last thirty days have been running like this for about three years. At this rate some day I will be the only member of the Dana Fan Club. Everything is falling into place.
But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:
BOOM–BOOM or BOOM BOOM
Greetings Stickmanbangkok readers: Just a brief personal statement to tell you what you already know. To wit: I am now a special features writer for the Pattaya Boardwalk Journal newspaper in Pattaya, Thailand.
So far, special features has meant doing interviews. A review of interviews to date might be fun. I interviewed Brian McClintock from Ireland. He had set himself up as a bargirl tattoo artist. Only problem was that he didn't know anything about tattooing–he just wanted to put his hands on girls. Example: he did a full back sized dragon that ended up looking like a giant squirrel. He got a commission to do a leg tattoo that said: I love Richard. He substituted the word Dick for Richard so the tattoo said: I love Dick. He had a dancer at the Carousel Bar request a lower abdomen tattoo that said Love Box with an arrow pointing down at her pussy. Only problem–he misspelled love so the tattoo said Glove Box. There were other incidents. I interviewed him in prison. He was bitter.
"It's all a crock man. I was screwed man. It's a business. You got to expect a little slippage. No guarantees man. And who really knows what a dragon looks like? My embassy is all over this man."
Next I interviewed Rory Manchester and Todd Barry from Tasmania. They had gotten a theatrical horse costume from a tranny show props person and inserted themselves in a yaa baa pack train coming out of Burma. Rory was the head of the horse and Todd was the horse's rear end. They practised this first on the boardwalk carrying whores, prostitutes, skanks, and cruisers on their horse back so that they would be comfortable carrying a pack load of yaa baa. I mean, they didn't just go into this without thinking and planning first. Anyway, anticipated profits were enormous and they were going to donate half of the proceeds to the Pattaya Catholic orphanage. That way it wouldn't really be crime. Like I said, everything planned out. Well, the results were predictable (to the rest of us) and they are currently living (hiding) in a shack on the beach at the end of the Maritime Park in Pattaya. Fa told me she knows where they are. I do not like the sound of that.
I interviewed Mr. Clem Foosler from Estonia. He had set himself up in the business of writing letters to foreign boyfriends (read: chumps) for bargirls. Everything went well for a while until some of the girls started sharing experiences. Apparently, Clem had told every foreign boyfriend that his Thai sweetheart was now in love with him, Clem Foosler. Incidents followed. I interviewed Mr. Foosler in the hospital where he was handcuffed to the bed. He appeared to be upset.
"It's all nonsense dude. All those girls were and are in love with me. I was just being truthful. And now I am beaten half to death and handcuffed to this bed for being an Estonian man who tells the truth. My embassy is all over this man and you do not jerk around the Estonian embassy."
I interviewed, or tried to interview, Marc Holt. A thirty year expat with many stories to tell, my editors looked forward to an interesting interview. Unfortunately, when I reminded Mr. Holt during the interview that he still owed me $100 the meeting fell apart. His face got red, he started waving his arms around like a windmill gone berserk, and then he stormed out. You hate to see that.
My most recent interview is below:
Me: hello girls.
Girls: hello Mr. Dana
Me: well, you two are two wonderful things. You are both top dancers at the Crotch Club in Pattaya, and you are identical twins. Correct?
Me: I wonder if I could ask you some identical twin questions?
Girls: sure, everyone does.
Me: ok, are you two identical humans or are you one human in two identical bodies?
Girls: oh Dana, that question is so prosplicative.
Girls: that too. We go back and forth on that question. If we are one person in two identical bodies than our name is Boom-Boom. However, if we are two identical humans than my name would be Boom and my sister's name would be Boom.
Me: Well, what do your passport names say?
Me: How does that work?
Girls (speaking as one): we have different middle names.
Me: Well, that is fascinating. And how do you like working as featured performers at the Crotch Club on Soi 16?
Boom-Boom (or Boom and Boom): oh, it's a dream come true. Having no morals or personal standards of any kind gives us the ability to live as whores and be free to be who we are. If we knew who we are.
Me: Thank-you girls.
Well, that's about it Stickmanites and mongers: a brief look at my work as a journalist for the Pattaya Boardwalk Journal newspaper. Pick up a copy for fifty baht or go to the bird guy on South Road and get last month's copy for free that he uses to paper the bottom of his birdcages.
You actually allow the bird guy to use pages from your respected publication for his birds to crap on?!