My Story (A Young Man Returns to LOS) Part 7
The next night was my last night in LOS. I was sittin in my hotel room with Fon. She took my bottle of Thai whiskey and started chugging it. I was immediately alarmed cause she never drinks alcohol and hates straight whiskey.
"Why you get mao?"
"I get mao because you leave tomorrow".
She was like a little child acting out. I took the bottle away and hid it. She argued with me for a little while trying to get it back. She started watching TV. After a while I noticed she had been crying. Lek used to fake cry in front of me and I can tell when its fake. They cry really loud and they want you to hear them. This was different. She just sat there facing away from me, not making a sound, slightly shaking, with tears dripping down her face and a distant look in her eyes.
My friend, a fellow Thailand traveler, described this once, "Very true, so when they cry for real (a real reason that is not disputable), and cry deeply (but silently) it is very sad and moving. You can feel it, and it penetrates to your core. When
they are not being strategic, and their defences are down, and they are truly hurting, it is a silent emotional tsunami that hits you. Deep, so an emotionally awakening experience for the recipient as well."
I never saw a girl cry like that and it hit me pretty hard. It cut right through my defenses. I realized that even if it was some sick delusional way, this girl loved me and was gonna miss me and over time she had slowly been working her way into my head, and I really did care about her. I wasn't gonna leave LOS unscathed.
I held her as she cried.
"I'm sorry Fon."
I'm sorry I couldn't be your knight in shining armor, I can barely manage by myself
For the rest of the night she would try to hide it but I would see her cry off and on. I kept discreetly looking at my watch as there was one last thing I had to do.
Before my plan was to have Fon go hangout with her friends, but I couldn't leave her alone. She was a wreck. I didn't want her going out and getting drunk over me so I was gonna stay with her till she fell asleep and then go but I fell asleep as well and woke up at 4 AM. I rushed out the door and took a motorbike to Walking Street. I went to Los's bar and the last song of the night was playin. She wasn't there and she didn't answer her phone. All the bars were closed. I started looking for freelancers but couldn't find anyone that I liked. I took a peak in insomnia then headed back. I couldn't sleep cause I was stressin about leavin LOS so I popped some Xanex and passed out.
Later the next day, we had two hours left before I had to go to the airport. I paid her for her time. I didn't slip it in her purse when she wasn't looking like I used to do with Lek. I had to put in her hand to remind myself of what was going on. I counted the money in front of her, 10,000 baht. She turned the money over in her hands she stared intently at it. It made me think about what I meant to her, what my worth was. I looked at her with contempt. For a moment we made eye contact and she laughed nervously. For a second all the bullshit disappeared and we were both stripped bare, just a customer and a prostitute.
She had to go to Bangkok to her sister's so we shared the cab. Neither of us said a word the whole ride, and she would continue to cry off and on, and she would just stare at me with that pleading look, not saying a word. When we pulled up to the departures terminal. I wanted her to just walk away right there, to get it over with but she followed me into the airport and I knew this wasn't gonna be easy. I took the last of my Xanex, swallowed a couple to take the edge off of what was to come, and then threw the rest in the trash.
We sat there together at the airport. She would cry off and on. I kept trying to stand up and walk away, but I couldn't move. Then I would stand up to go and she kept telling me to stay just a little bit longer. "2 more minutes", "2 more minutes". I tried to think of something to say, something to say that would make our time together mean something, something to make her stop crying but I had nothing to say. This went on for a half hour, both of us delaying the inevitable. I stood up. She looked up at me. I looked into those deep dark eyes, like two black holes that swallowed me up. She started to cry again.
I really liked her but I knew we couldn't be together considering the circumstances. I wanted to grab hold of her, tell her that I loved her and that I would take care of her, but I knew that it would be a lie.
We both knew we would probably never see each other again and if we did it would be a long time.
"When you come back?", she asked
"Long time, one year, maybe more."
"I wait for you Jack"
No you won't, you're not gonna wait that long, don't you fuckin lie to me!
"Ok, you wait for me, I'll come back"
She asked me, "When you come back, same same?"
She asked me this before. She wants me to say no. She wants me to say that when I come back it's gonna be different, that I'm gonna be her boyfriend, maybe marry her, and I'm gonna take care of her and her son.
"Yes same same", I could see in her eyes that it hurt her.
I said "You take care, I hugged her and we both turned and walked away. It took all I had in me to walk away. Then the tears came on, I couldn't hold back any longer.
Don't look back don't look back
Before I turned the corner I looked back and there she was, those big dark eyes lookin back at me, tears runnin down her face.
Our eyes locked for a second then I walked away.
I'm sorry Fon
In her purse was a note that I left her, something that I just couldn't say to her. "I love you Fon."
I don't know if I'll look for her when I go back. Again, just like last time, a voice inside my head is telling me I'm better off alone…
I wanted to call you maybe just to hear your voice
yet I couldn't pick up the phone
I wanted to touch you
and tell you that I loved you
yet I could not speak
I watched you walk away
and I wanted to stop you
I wanted to hold you
but you're poison
I watched you leave
if I wish I never met you
goodbye Fon, I wish I never met you
(I would like to know everyone's thoughts on this, and am interested in meeting other travellers)
Thanks for the effort in putting this series together and the open way you described just what you go up to, what you experienced and what was going through your mind.
I don't mean to sound mean, but this series is a great example of what can happen to someone who hasn't get their shit together. It also shows what can happen to "a man" who shows a lack of backbone. Women will walk all over you if you let them, Thai women especially – and this is exactly what happened to you.
I think you need to be a little more honest with yourself about what you want. Near the start of the series, where you reflected that you had come to Thailand to meet a girl from your last trip and ask her to marry you, yet you were also keen to screw around, I couldn't help but wonder if you really had any idea of what you wanted.
Be honest with yourself about what you want before you return to Pattaya otherwise it's just going to be more of the same. Pattaya is a place that chews a guy up and spits him out if he doesn't have his shit together…