Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 274

  • Written by Dana
  • January 29th, 2011
  • 6 min read


Greetings Dana fans and Stickman fans: today an introduction about a subject that I find interesting followed by a non-fiction part of my brain and my life. Enjoy.

INTRODUCTION

From the 'How’s-This-For-A-Screwed-Up-Culture' Dept.

I just love it when women tell men that they (the women) are more maternal than men. Really? Any proof? Check this bit of social anthropology out:

In Polynesia a woman’s first baby was proof that she could make babies and had value to the eligible men in the village. So the first baby was a ‘give-a-way’. She would get pregnant at a young age, give birth, give the baby away; and then pursue husband hunting.

Yup, sign me up for one of those maternal babes. Gosh I just hope I can meet her standards for loving and nurturing children. Course me being a man and all, I realize it's long odds. Hey Dana fans and Stickmanites: I hate to be an ignorant, insensitive, colonialist, imperialist, cultural boob but I think this stinks. Go ahead, notify all of the politically correct boneheads in the world that Dana has an opinion and he is expressing it. I don’t think it is unfair to judge individuals and groups of individuals by how they treat other individuals and groups of individuals: especially how they treat babies and children. I think this is a fair litmus test for judging. Don't agree with me? Would you let one of these ladies babysit your children? Humans have been doing this 'judging' for the last 10,000 years so I am pretty sure I have the numbers on my side. Anyway, pity these poor thrown away babies. And it gets worse. Pitifully worse. Child rearing in Polynesia involved (and still does involve) constant slapping and hitting of children. Do you think it was even worse for these unwanted ‘first babies’? No wonder there are so many damaged adults. These childhoods involved terror, pain, loneliness, confusion, and abandonment.

If I could live forever I would make a calendar note to be a spectator to Family Court proceedings in Thailand in fifty years. Hopefully, by then the concepts of human dignity for children would have become legally interesting to Thais. I wonder how many times child abuse by parents and community would be blamed on ‘foreign influences’. Oh, that’s probably unfair—by then Thailand will be a modern nation taking responsibility for their own lives. Sure it will.

Reminds me of a letter I saw published in the Community section of the Thai language Pattaya Pontificator newspaper (All The News That’s Fit To Be Blamed on Farangs):

“Dear Diary—

It’s been a busy week. Tuesday we had the monks over to bless the new pick-up truck and Thursday my boyfriend slapped my daughter so hard she now has a detached retina and we had to go to the doctor for that. Busy busy busy.

Signed Pattaya Housewife”

I wish for more than this for Thailand and the children of the Kingdom. That’s my foreign desire and my foreign influence. The desire for better Thai parenting and happier kids. See you in Family Court in fifty years.

But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:

DO YOU WONDER?

Do you wonder about certain things before you fall asleep? I do. Some examples:

1. How many murderers do I pass on the sidewalks of the Kingdom in a week/month/year? How many child abusers? How many Thai doctors who believe Thai blood and farang blood are not the same? How many Kingdomites who do not know we have landed on the moon?

2. If I got thrown into a Thai prison like Bang Kwang or any other equally horrific regional prison how many of my ex-pat friends would help me? How many would come and visit me? How many would put some money in my store account so that I could buy regular food? I think the answer is probably pretty close to zero. Everybody is too scared to be within a mile of these places. Sorry Dana.

3. Does even one single pay-for-play Thai woman from my past remember me? Again, the answer is probably zero. Makes me sad. I remember many of them and I remember them fondly. I remember sincerely and thankfully. So far, prostitutes have been the best women in my life. I mentioned this to a friend and he said that I should probably not think about or talk about this too much. Really? Why not? I'm thankful for every smile I have gotten from a member of my species.

4. Where does an ex-pat acquaintance of mine hide his gun in his SUV? I figure it is a 45 caliber Glock with tritium sight and silencer. Has to be in the driver's side door panel, or in the overhead, or somehow under the dash. Hidden release button and a hinged door. Has to be so cleverly hidden that Thai police will not find it unless they disassemble the car.

So, why don't I just ask him where he hides the gun in his car? Because he would not tell me, that's why. He would say he does not have a secret gun in a secret place. Now we are playing games. His alpha maleness is irritating and off putting, but if it was me I wouldn't tell anyone either. Anyway, I wonder where he has the gun hidden in his car.

5. Another thing that constantly needles me just before I drop off to sleep in the Kingdom: did I replace money used for sex that I keep hidden in the hem of the curtain? I never pay for sex out of a wallet. They never see my wallet. I keep a 500 baht note and a 1000 baht note in the hem of the window curtain. Either one, or the other one, or both covers all contingencies. When they go to the bathroom I get the money. But this system only works flawlessly if the money is always there. In other words:

"Jesus, I can't remember 150%–did I put another 500 baht note in the hem of the curtain after she left? Am I topped off for the next girl?"

It isn't easy to be me.

6. And now the big one. I am currently involved in mutually beneficial behavior with an ex-pat. When I have got what I want then I may contact a police cold case squad in a certain city in the United States about a murder that happened about thirty-five years ago. I have the exact date in a file with other facts possibly interesting to the police. I think I know something. I think I may know who committed the murder.

If I am correct then I will have done the right thing. If I am incorrect, well there goes another ex-pat relationship. I admit this gives me the chills, but if I am correct; I really have no choice. I'll just give the file to the police and let them chase it around. Spend enough time in Thailand and stuff sticks to you. It is not a Teflon experience.

What do you think of just before you fall asleep in Thailand?

Sincerely yours, Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

Interesting the bit about past pay for play girls remembering you. While they do often remember names for a very long time, I wonder how much they really do remember? It is just a job, after all…