Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 273

  • Written by Dana
  • January 22nd, 2011
  • 14 min read


Greetings expats, hepcats, Dana fans, and newbies:

Dana here on the fourth floor pool terrace at the A. A. Hotel in Pattaya pounding out an essay. Oh my god: hold it. I see Wan on the boardwalk looking up at me. Ok, look fellas: there will be a little delay here as I grab my semaphore flags that are leaning against the chair and send an important message to Wan. Just talk amongst yourselves for a minute.

Ok, I'm back. Using the Dana Teeruk Signalling System (DTSS) I was able to communicate my needs and price to Wan. Of course she is not cruising the boardwalk with semaphore flags of her own but that is not a problem. Since I am the highly educated westerner I do most of the talking. All my girls on the boardwalk have to do is give me a 'yes' or a 'no'. If they point at their crotch and smile that means yes (don't you just love cross cultural learning?), and if they turn around with their backs to me that means no. In the beginning when the DTSS was new this 'back to me means no' signal had me a little confused and there were some awkward misunderstandings in the hotel room. But we got that all worked out. Now everyone knows the signals on both sides and I understand this Dana Teeruk Signaling System is being taught in parts of Essan before the girls get on the bus.

Anyway, Boom Boom with Wan is in my future. Now normally this would mean that she would be dodging traffic on Beach Road right now and soon be bursting out of the fourth floor elevator like a flushed pheasant on the moors of Scotland. But this morning I used two identical flags in each hand which of course communicates that I want two girls. So there'll be a little delay while she hunts up her friend (also called Wan–go figure). So what this means, dear reader, is that we have enough time to finish this edifying essay titled:

THEME NIGHT

What is Theme Night? Theme Night is something some tourists to the red light districts of the Kingdom and many expats already know about and practise. To wit: some nights you are just too tired to go out and meet a nice Thai lady and bring her back for Boom Boom, but you are going to go out anyway. Sort of like a soi dog that is too pooped to eat a steak, but he is still going to follow the meat wagon. What to do? Well, that is when your western upbringing kicks in. Now, before I go into the details of Theme Night let me just pause to answer a question that I know is on all of your minds regarding me specifically. To quote paraphrase:

"Danaman–I've seen you. You are fifty nine going on nineteen years old, a face that looks like it was carved from a block of mahogany, coathanger shoulders, emerald (ok jade) green eyes, hands the size of pie plates, and pants that look like you are smuggling a security officer's flashlight. In short, you are a lean mean testosterone machine with a six pack in front and a Christmas tree (consult Caveman for meaning) on the back. And I've seen your glutimus maximus (Caveman again) trick. You know, the trick where you stuff a satang and a chunk of copper between your butt cheeks and squeeze out a ten baht coin. So dude, Danameister, how could you ever be too tired to go Boom Boom or Yum Yum or Ow Ow?

Good question oh loyal reader, and remember; we are talking exceptions here. Usually I've got the strength of ten men and of course I don't sap my strength by carrying condoms, or a translating machine, or deodorant, or a smile. But don't forget, it is not just physical stress that can wear you down but also mental stress. Let me give you an example from my life. As I am typing this surrounded by bloated pink Germans and pool splashing teeruks acting like demented seals it is Monday morning. That means yesterday was Sunday. And what happens every Sunday? That's right: the Church of Dana congregation and celebration in the maritime park. There were about eight thousand worshippers there. So where is the stress point in this happy gathering? Well, somebody did not check and double check the wind direction yesterday at fifteen thousand feet. So when the one hundred Church of Dana trannies parachuted there was a problem. What was supposed to happen was that one hundred trannies in pink lycra body suits and pink high heeled paratrooper boots under pink parachutes and trailing pink smoke bombs were supposed to do some fancy maneuvers on the way down, and then land right next to me on the stage as eight thousand Church of Dana parishioners cheered. Routine. Done hundreds of times.

Not this time. This time all one hundred parachuting trannies drifted to the right and slammed into the giant P A T T A Y A letters like thrown dice in a craps game. Others just got hung up and dangled like limp dicks. You get the picture.

But I got the stress. Mental stress. Between the Dana Fan Club, the Church of Dana, Dana: The Movie, Dana: The Book, the Dana Bar, and the website All Dana All The Time (ADATT) I've got a lot of opportunities in my life for mental stress. It isn't easy being me. Sure I look like a lean mean alpha machine but stuff happens and sometimes it happens to me. Some nights I'm just too tired to go Boom Boom and deal with the fake smiles, and the linguistic torture. But I'm going out anyway (remember the soi dog and the meat wagon?).

Well, if you are going out anyway but you are too tired to Boom Boom and you are too tired to Yum Yum, and you are too tired to Ow Ow then that is when you need to establish some parameters (white guy talkin'). Set some goals that will keep you from being seduced by temptation and ending up with yet another giggling naked Thai female in your arms (I hate when that happens–not). In short, the night and your behavior on that night has to have some kind of theme that you will stick to, and that will keep you focused, and that will give your western mind a goal to shoot for. Let me give you some examples:

Example One: I have a friend in Bangkok who I respect too much to give away on the net but let us just say that his name rhymes with Union Hill. On nights when he is too tired to Boom Boom or on nights when he has made a promise to the wife (go figure) his Theme Night is what he calls Underpants Night. On Underpants Night he goes from bar to bar and tries to buy the underpants off of waitresses. Sometimes hilarity ensues. By sticking to the script he keeps himself out of trouble but he is still on the field.

Example Two: Another friend of mine has what he calls Escalator Night. He starts at Big Mike's department store and ends up at the Royal Garden department store. A couple of hours are spent watching Thai women come down on the escalators. No harm, no foul; and nothing but net in the pleasure department. Finally a slow stroll home on the boardwalk and a good night's sleep. I have to say I have also done this and more pleasure than watching Thai females come down at you on escalators in air conditioned department stores can not be imagined. One night years ago I watched a Malaysian looking woman with dark dark skin and a body that dressed out at about twenty nine pounds descend. Her cheekbones were so high they were above her eyes, and her arms looked like noodles. Sweet Jesus on a cracker. Well, you get the idea.

Example Three: Another expat friend of mine at least once every other year has Pretend To Buy Eyeglasses Theme Night. He goes to the eye glasses store inside the front door at Big Mike's department store. What? Haven't been there have you? You're too busy scoping out the high school girls while sitting on a bench on the second floor of the Big C? Well, listen up. This place sells eye glasses but that is where everything that is normal stops. First thing are the smiles you will get from a bevy of beautiful girls. And I do not mean bevy of beautiful girls in the same category as the high school angels that work at Swenson's Ice Cream. These eye glass girls are full fledged woman machines that can do some damage. One of them will offer you an orange juice and a cookie on a little tray. So simple but lethal. As soon as you take the orange juice and eat the cookie you are dead meat. All of them are wearing what look like Fxxx Me nurses uniforms with very short skirts, white nylons, and high heels. And I can tell you from experience that some of these professional retail career eyeglass sales ladies are not wearing any underpants. How do I know? She showed me.

Want to buy some eyeglasses now? I did. Anyway, this is another example of going out and sticking to a plan that does not include Boom Boom. It is your own personal theme night that gives pleasure without physical entanglements that your pooped body and pooped mind just can not handle. Just like the soi dog you can chase the meat wagon, you just can not eat the steak. In Bangkok you can line up about five eyeglasses shops easily and you can do the same in Pattaya.

Example Four: Same same for watches. High line watch retailers in Bangkok have retail women that will hit you like a German 88 shell. In Pattaya you can easily spend the night going from watch retailer to watch retailer pretending to be looking to buy a watch. I tell you, when some of these watch retail girls put the watch on my wrist, I nearly faint.

So there you go guys: some examples of Theme Nights. Underpants, Escalators, Pretend To Buy Eyeglasses, and Pretend To Buy Watches. Activities that keep you focused and allow you to go out in the full and certain knowledge that you are not going to be doing Boom Boom but it is ok. It is part of the plan.

Example Five: Now let's have some fun. Let's go back in time and follow me out on a Theme Night and you guess what the theme of the night is. We'll make it a riddle. First stop is the Polo Lounge halfway down Walking Street on the right. Big room, big stage, big crowd and my favorite show is starting. About twenty girls come out on stage wearing see through dresses that come down to their knees. After a little dancing around they leave the stage, come out into the crowd, and stand up on the cocktail tables. The girl standing in front of me on my table is young and gorgeous. I stand up and she puts her dress over my head. She is naked underneath. Or, for those worshippers of Danaism: sweet Jesus on a cracker she puts her dress over my head and she is NAKED UNDERNEATH. Honk if you love sampling other cultures. I grab her hips and start licking. She's shaved and clean and smells of perfume.

My hands on her hips have become prehensile claws, the backs of my legs are bar tight, and I am licking as if it is the last pussy on earth. Honey of the gods and this farang honey bear could take a shot to the head right now and die happy. But it is not the last pussy on earth.

Next stop is the Electric Blue bar and a little known pleasure. If you cut left as soon as you enter there is a big stairway and then another stairway. And there way high up are a few stools and four girls dancing. Naked. Give them a smile and they will step forward so that you can lick them. Ah, nectar of the gods. I know men who have been married ten years who have not dined like this. To keep the smile train running it is best here to keep your hands to yourself but you can learn this. My tongue is positively athletic. Eventually I feel a tongue cramp coming on so it is time to leave. There is still one more place to go on this Theme Night and the best is saved for last.

Destination: Windmill Bar. The Windmill Bar on Soi Diamond has the kind of sleaze that concentrates my mind like a house bound cat starring at a canary video. Naked women and you can do deeds right in the bar. Pull down your zipper? No problem. Ride you on the couch? No problem. If you don't love this place I have to wonder what you came to the Kingdom for. In short this is the kind of place where you wonder which Mafia is in charge.

My favorite dancer is on stage when I enter and she recognizes me. No fake smiles and no silly talk about lady drinks. As soon as I am at the edge of the stage she lays on her back and pulls her legs back to her ears. She knows me. I wedge my hands under her hips and bury my face. Sweet Jesus there is a reason for living. I'll bet no bridge jumpers every dined like this. Staggering out of the Windmill Bar twenty minutes later I have broken skin on my nose, a cramp in my tongue, and a smile on my face. It's been a great theme night in the world of Dana. I kept to the plan, did not get distracted, and am not taking any girls home for Boom Boom. The kind of mental and physical break I needed. A quick trip down Second Road to Soi 13/0, pick up some brazed chicken, dodge the freelancers hanging out in front of the A. A. Hotel, duck into the elevator, punch the button, and in a minute I will be in my sixth floor ocean facing suite: mentally and physically relaxed and looking forward to spending the night alone.

Well, can you guess what my theme was on this night? Did you solve the riddle? Did you read carefully and figure out what all my bar experiences had in common? That's right. You guessed it. I didn't tip anyone. I managed to have a great time in three great bars, avoid human entanglements of the hotel room Boom Boom kind, give my self a rest but still take the field, and not tip anyone. The girl with her dress over my head at the Polo? No tip. The four girls in the Electric Blue Bar? No tips. The premier dining experience at the Windmill Bar. No tip.

So what should we call this Theme Night? How about No Tipping Night? Try it sometime. I guarantee putting this edge to the monger experience will give you a memorable evening. Is this a great country or what? See you around the boardwalk.

Sincerely yours, Dana

P. S. — Oh God, I almost forgot one of the best theme nights of them all. I call it Looking for Da.

Example Six:

You grab a picture of one of your ex-girlfriends (Da or Min or Ting or Wan) and you go into bars and show the picture to mamasans and waitresses and dancers and say you are looking for her (Da or Min or Ting or Wan). Sometimes I ball up my fists and rub them in my eyes as if I am crying. Beautiful women will gather around you to look at the picture and to look at you. They will talk amongst themselves. Sometimes they will give you completely inaccurate information about where that girl can be found. No money spent, and a different kind of fun experience mixing with Thais and standing shoulder to shoulder with lovely Thai ladies. You should be able to do fifteen bars before you stagger home on the Looking for Da Theme Night. Good luck.


Stickman's thoughts:

Vintage Dana!