Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 263
DANCING AGAINST THE MOON — PART ONE
On Saturday the 16th of October, 2010; the four platoons plus headquarters of Company D, 262nd Regiment, 66th Monger Division of the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tours made their inaugural assault on South Pattaya in Thailand. Chiang Mai Kelly and Union Hill directed two landing craft that disgorged on the beach just to the south of the Julie Complex, Pattaya Gary and specialist scuba mongers emerged from the ocean onto the beach opposite the Royal Cruise Hotel, and 500 Baht Walt of the Nana Hotel Lounge Lizards (NHLL) brought his contingent of Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour mates onto the fourth floor pool terrace of the A.A.Hotel at Soi 13/0 by parachute. Unfortunately, 500 Baht Walt and his 350 pounds (plus 75 pounds of equipment) splonged into the little hotel pool and the resulting tsunami washed the Thai girlfriends of two Germans right off the roof. Sorry. And oh yes, Korski and his team were to meet in the maritime park.
Note: squad leaders Chiang Mai Kelly, Pattaya Gary, 500 Baht Walt, and Union Hill all dressed exactly like me on this mission. They weren’t directed to, they just wanted to. At first I was kinda flattered bythis until I saw 500 Baht Walt dressed exactly like me. The huge black haired Japanese from Hawaii had even peroxided his hair yellow. You don’t see that every day.
As the leader of this inaugural meeting of the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour I had been stationed on the fourth floor pool terrace of the A.A.Hotel to watch the 350 pound Nana Hotel lounge lizard come parachuting in with his communications equipment and his men. Looking up I saw him belting towards me out of the night sky wearing size 16 black foam Nike sandals, beads and bangles and bracelets and necklaces, red beach pants with turquoise elephants, white Indian cotton shirt, and red suspenders. It looked like I had swallowed a helium canister and blown up. Not something, I noted; that I wanted to see twice. I made a mental note to issue a DUJST (Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour) fashion directive.
A little more about the inaugural assault plan: 500 Baht Walt and his men were to set up a communications center in the 6th floor ocean facing suite of the hotel. Pattaya Gary and his frog men were to rendezvous at the 2nd Road entrance of Soi Diamond, while Union Hill and Chiang Mai Kelly were to bring their tour mates down Walking Street and form up at the entrance to Soi Diamond. Professor Korski was to lead his men from the maritime park lighthouse location to the head of Walking Street where their job was to neutralize the Tourist Police.
Mission? To take over the Superbabies Bar; throw out the Japs, throwout the bartenders, throw out the door men, throw out the mamasan, throw out the cashiers, and convene the first meeting of the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour.
Note: Before we go any further, this might be a good opportunity to replace rumors with facts regarding the unfortunate events that took place near the lighthouse in the maritime park.
A group of tour members came ashore by British commando rubber boats and were met by Professor Korski who was supposed to be the team leader. Unfortunately, team leader Korski met his men riding a little red tricycle with multi-colored plastic streamers coming out of the handle bars, and a large mulberry bark umbrella lashed to the bike frame. The umbrella had tinkling temple bells around it’s perimeter. Major leadership problems ensued and regrettably the Tourist Police were never taken out of the military sex tour equation as per plan. Lesson learned? Never send a professor on a tricycle to lead men. Nuff said.
Some of you want to know in extremis detailium what happened on the rip-rap edge of the maritime park that inaugural night as Korski and his squad was supposed to be conjoining, coalescing, and cooperating in a military and fun way. Either for general interest, legal, psychological, military study, or archival academic reasons: it is my duty to tell you that all records have been expunged. Officially it’s like it never happened, especially the part where a deranged Korski was playing Greensleeves by tapping the brass temple bells hanging from the edge of his bike umbrella. I could perhaps send out emails to interested mongers but other than that no text descriptions of Internet or traditional publishing will exist. So, if you want to know what happened that night as the Pattaya Bay restaurant barge lights, and the stars, and the ice-a-cleem vendor, and the strolling couples watched; just send me an email and I may return a full confidential account to you. Or not.
I know what some of you are thinking and saying to each other because I am already getting email bounceback. You are saying/thinking:
“Oh, come on Dana—how bad could it be? Just give us the facts man and let us decide. Just lay the cards down on the table face up.”
I really don’t think I should. Example: when the squad rubberboated ashore and saw Korski; shock turned to confusion, confusion turned to anger, anger precipitated mutiny, and mutiny turned to destruction of the social order and assault. Korski’s pants were pulled off and two of his tinkling brass temple bells were ripped off his umbrella. They were then tied to his dangling private parts and he was forced to run up the hillside stone stairs and dance against the moon. Then . . . ok, I think we can all agree that we do not want to hear any more about this. This is the kind of thing you don’t even want in your head. I may send out reports to DUJST (Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour) mates and certain other very special email requesters but that’s it. There will not be any publishing of this episode on what was otherwise a wonderful first meeting of the Tour.
How can it all have gone so wrong so quickly? Well, I wasn’t there but there were numerous witnesses and they all agree . . . apparently, the contrast between the Tour mates who had just paddled in from an offshore military barge and their squad leader Korski who presented himself to them was startling. Very startling. Plank in the face 'holy fxxx' startling.
The Tour members charged with taking out the Tourist Police were wearing face paint camouflage, ghillie suits, pepper spray canisters, disappearing ink faux passports, Harley doo rags, surgical gloves, paratrooper jump boots, mouthpieces, stun guns, smoke bombs, bean bag shotguns, metal detector wands, blindfolds, ball gags, inflatable Kevlar shields, body armor, night vision goggles, spring-loaded telescoping batons, tropical freon tube coolant helmets, and GPS systems for locating the Superbabies Bar on Soi Diamond. They were, in the words of George Keenan:
" . . . not a very formidable force in point of numbers, not a very remarkable one in point of experience, but strong in hope, self-reliance, and enthusiasm."
Then they saw Korski. And how was Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour squad leader Korski outfitted to meet and inspire his men? Pink flip flops with little teddy bears on the toe straps, six silver neck rings, four pastel colored Swatch watches on each wrist, a Hello Kitty T-shirt, faggotty white tennis shorts, forehead tattoo that said ‘Darwin’s Houseboy’, hair weave ringlets tumbling to his waist ending with pink elephant and pink whale hair clips, and a watermelon rind helmet held on with a string.
It was a standoff: disbelief and anger vs. weirdness and stupidity. Highly focused, superbly trained, physically fit, goal setting DUJST members vs. well, a man riding a tricycle.
Note: A reasonable person might have questioned why I made Korski a squad leader in the first place. By what perversion of the natural order did that happen? I can't go into that right now. Maybe later.
Anyway, the squad handpicked by me to move on Walking Street and neutralize the Tourist Police stood and stared. Time's linear march to oblivian temporarily coughed. It seemed as if a breeze suddenly came up but it was just the planet Earth pausing and wondering if there was any reason to go on spinning. Consternation was cosmic. The restaurant lights on the water, and the stars overhead, and the ice-a-cleem salesman, and the strolling couples all stopped and stared. Time stood still and waited. Was a chrysalis about to become a butterfly? Was a galactic giant on the cusp of making a decision between implosion and explosion? Was a developmental choice between male or female being made in a woman’s body? Well . . . not exactly.
The rest, to repeat, was a downward spiraling of civilized values and civilized behavior until all we were left with was the image of Korski in his pink flip-flops and his watermelon rind helmet dancing against the moon accompanied by the far off faint sounds of those goddamned testicle banging tinkling temple bells. Now that you have the facts I think we can all bond in agreement that this is not the kind of thing that the outer space people need to hear about when they come to Earth. Hence the Internet and text freeze on the entire subject. I’m the leader, it’s a leader’s decision: don’t even ask me about it.
Dana, Commander Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tours
P.S. Yesterday (10-28-10) Korski was demoted as Squad leader in the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour and dismissed from the organization. A sad note? No, evolution and the thinning of the herd in action. After the leadership debacle at the lighthouse a decision had to be made. So do not expect to see him on future sex tours. We are changing the paperwork, contracts, insurance premiums, marketing materials, photos, videos, pop-up books, T-shirts, personal appearances, and brochures as you read this. However, if you would like to meet him he can be found every Tuesday at the so thern end of Walking Street in front of the Chinese convenience store where he sets up a lifesize plywood silhouette of himself with his full size photo image laminated on it. People can put their arm around the plywood ‘Korski’ and have their picture taken. The plywood ‘Korski’ weighs a ton and has to be transported with the tricycle and wagon. When I asked him if it would not be easier to dispense with the heavy plywood silhouette plus the bike plus the wagon and just have people put their arm around him to have their picture taken—he just looked blank. Anyway; it’s 100 baht per pic. Ask him if Dana takes his calls and watch him froth at the mouth.
So, the first meeting of the Dana’s Unbridled Joy Sex Tour was up and down. I’ll provide full details later on in PART TWO if I receive enough requests. Contact this website for follow-up details. At least worldwide history was made—a military leadership debacle is now known as a ‘Korski’. I wouldn’t be surprised if you could Google it. Lessons learned? Many: social, organizational, and military. Last impression? They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. A first impression can be a seed, a trigger, an influencer. The happy smile that can be the entering wedge into a new part of your life. But it is the last impression that sometimes eviscerates, and burns, and scalds, and frightens, and scars. If you are ever in the maritime park some hot, humid, still Pattaya night pray that you don’t see Korski . . . dancing against the moon.
It could only be Dana!