Plumbing for Sex in Thailand

It’s been some time since I belly-laughed out loud, but after reading the journal entry of a certain recent traveler to Pattaya who barfined a prostitute only to go to dinner and watch a movie, and then took her on his motorcycle without a helmet
and was promptly snagged by the hardworking Thai police, I couldn’t help myself. I am mostly tolerant of submissions where the writer is obviously not having a good brain day, but from someone who misses no opportunity to lecture the rest
of us on the right way to do things in this world, I seriously thought I would pee my pants with laughter. Imagine this: after hiring a plumber one day for some needed plumbing, you then hire him the next day for tea and cookies while watching
“Days of Our Lives” on TV. Talk about sending mixed messages; the next time you call he would probably hang up the phone thinking you wanted him to go to the high school prom.

For now, let’s stick with the plumber analogy. One day you discover a pool of water under your water heater and immediately know you need a new one. As you do not know any plumbers personally, you do what most rational folks would
do; ask around. This is important because you have heard the scare stories about scam plumbers charging thousands of dollars for work that wasn’t required or needed. After getting a list of names, you would call them and ask for an estimate
of cost. During this process, you might also get an idea of their years on the job and if they had experience with replacing water heaters. Finally, you make your choice but you also know that there is still no guarantee of success; even when
the odds are with you there is still the roll of the dice.

Yet this writer would have us believe that being cautious and gathering information are useless tasks performed only by the faint of heart when it comes to renting a bargirl for the evening. Yes, years on this earth are the only important
factors. This reminds me of an interview I had with a hard-nosed IT manager. I proudly announced I had 10 years experience. He smiled and asked if I had 10 years experience or one year’s experience ten times. In other words, was my experience
in helping users change their passwords or designing interactive web sites? For bargirls, the question becomes have you spent years giving hand-jobs to the old geezers in Jomtien Beach or worked the high-end clubs in Bangkok with discerning customers?
For those who complain of high prices in bars, you would think that ensuring you get what you are paying for would be an important consideration. But no, the better advice is to look for lines on the face or the scars on the stomach or even the
odd tattoo that was popular 10 years ago; those are the signs of a quality bargirl.

Trying to ensure that the services requested are the services provided seem of little consequence to this traveler. Imagine you hire our lucky plumber again only this time you tell him it’s for a problem you will only disclose after
he arrives at your house and you lock the doors. Also, you will not disclose what fee you will pay him as compensation will be based on criteria that you refuse to identify. If this plumber is stupid enough to have a trusting heart, and for all
the plumbers I’ve met this is a non-existent trait, they might agree to your conditions. Later, when they find out they have failed the double-secret test and received little money in return, they take out their vengeance on the next customer
who only wanted honest work for honest wages. Little wonder that with our writer buzzing the go-go bars of Thailand that bargirls soon become jaded scammers waiting for their next victim.

However, our writer pooh-poohs these concerns by saying discussing the details of expected work is a waste of his time. In fact, if the plumber had the cheek to ask, he would be banned from the property forever. Yes, plumbing is a dirty business.
Discussing it in detail is beneath the dignity of western men, especially with Thai women. But experienced consumers can sometimes ply the mama-sans with small tips and a few lady drinks, and find the pearl in a bed of oysters for a reasonable
price. Certainly, if you have a peculiar plumbing problem, ensuring that work can and will be performed would seem prudent at best. Would you hire a plumber and then expect him to paint your ceiling? Most bargirls expect to be hired to perform
“normal” sex; i.e., a little oral foreplay followed by vaginal sex, just as most plumbers expect to be hired to fix plumbing problems. Having them try to guess that you want your ceiling painted or expect anal sex while you push
her head in the toilet, seems to me to be a little disingenuous. The bargirls already take a frightful risk in going with strange men, but this kind of uncertainty takes caveat venditor to a whole new level.

As Stick so often reminds us, and rightly so, one of the secrets to a happy relationship with Thai women is to set expectations early. Indeed, imagine that all mongers took the advice of this writer, what would the Thai bargirl scene become?
I expect they would all become amateur lawyers, making each customer sign a contract of expected services, fork out a down payment in cash, and then leave a credit card number in case the conditions of the contract were not met. Bargirls wouldn’t
dance with bikinis but with small waiver signs saying what services they provide and will not provide, like “C-hole no A-hole” or “Teabagging extra fee”. The GFE wouldn’t be fleeting; it would be non-existent.
Eventually, the bars would lose whatever fun they still have, mongers would go elsewhere, and the bars would close. The girls would return to the Thai bars to make a living screwing men who are mostly happy with traditional sex. And as they dissemble
Nana Plaza, Somchai, watching from the street and smiling, would mutter to his friends, “stupid farang”.