Flooded Out

Hello…Hellooo…who is this? You’re breaking up!

It’s me ..Lurchai here.. Are you Somchai?

Of course ..who else would it be at this number?

Ah, Ok.. it’s just that I’m a bit disoriented now..

So what else is new? Where are you?

I’m all at sea floating on a plank of foam.. whoosh.. someone just surfed past.. it’s mayhem here.

Are you at the seaside….Pattaya maybe?

No Somchai. I’m in Lopburi…in the mother of all floods! I was visiting my mother in law when suddenly we got inundated with all this water from the river. First we thought it was a God send with all this fish virtually jumping into
our frying pans and other animals from nearby farms landing on her property but then things got hairy when the kitchen got flooded and we couldn’t finish the feast. We had to evacuate when we heard the Kamnan announce it on the loudspeakers
but the bastard didn’t send us any boats as he was too busy saving his own skin. Then we heard some amphibious army trucks drive past causing a mini tsunami and that’s when we realised we’re on our own.

Wow Lurchai, sounds like you’re up to your neck in water and shit too if I’m right about the local sanitation system! How can you survive?

Well luckily there were some pieces of foam floating by from the local whitegoods factory which we managed to grab and use now as a life saving device until we can get to dry ground. Which may be some time as we’re travelling south
at quite some speed towards Bangkok.

You’re heading in the wrong direction then! We’re expecting high tide today and if that’s as bad as they predict we’re also going to be in deep shit. Turn around and head the other way!

What the fuck are you talking about? You think a piece of foam is steerable? Besides how can we paddle against the flow? Can you offer some better advice?

Yeah I can. Pray to Buddha. That’s what we’re doing here. Although if you believe the Bangkok Governor we got nothing to worry about. They’ve got thousands of sandbags but no way to deliver them to where they’re
needed. Ah well, we might just celebrate Loy Kratong a bit early. You know, giving thanks to Mother River for our blessings.

Jeez Somchai, I never thought of it that way! How clever you are! That certainly puts a spin on this event in a more positive light. What…. (crackle, crackle…hiss, hiss)….

Hey Lurchai, you’re breaking up again! You there?…helloooo!!!

Yeah Somchai , I’m still here.. Sorry but I had to dodge a dead dog and a piece of roofing iron floating by. These waterways are quite busy you know and there’s isn’t a cop in sight when you need one!

What do you expect, they’re saving their own skins while we’re all going to get skin infections and tinea. Look mate, this is nothing new with the floods, it’s an every year occurrence. At least the drought is broken.
Which means that we won’t be getting any more Government drought relief. I just hope we get some flood relief. They’re talking about a 5000 baht lump sum payment per family. Not enough to replace a house but it may pay for a tent
from Macro!

That sounds good Somchai! I like camping out under the stars. Good fun that is!

You’re an idiot Lurchai! Don’t you know what sarcasm is?

No? Don’t use high falutin’ words with me Somchai, you know I never passed grade 2.
It’s never too late to catch up Lurchai.. that is if you don’t drown over there. Can you swim?

Sorta..I used to swim in the canals when I was a kid but this is nothing like it! The surge of water is so strong …I think I’m not going to be able to swim long enough before I get overpowered. I just hope it doesn’t come
to that! As far as my mother in law ..well she is expendable.. I’m not going to jump in to save her if she is overboard.. Too risky for me, besides this maybe an unexpected silver lining in all this calamity…hehe.. hehe!

You’re a dirt bag Lurchai, shame on ya! Mind you I probably would do the same and I CAN swim!!

Hey Somchai. My mobile is low on juice and there’s nowhere to charge here.

Why don’t ya stick it up your ass then?

You’re a riot Somchai! You never lose your sense of your humour even in the most dire of circumstances!

Yep, that’s me Lurchai, you got me down pat. Now why don’t you hang up and concentrate on the task at hand. Ahoy there, land ahoy… or whatever! Remember our old pirate days? Over and out!