Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 255
Hello and Where You Go fellow cult-of-Dana cognoscenti, sycophants, scratch-my-tummy fans, and Pattaya boardwalk hipsters. Dana here from Danaland and another part of the universe beyond your keening. Don't envy me because I am tall, and young, and strong, and charming, and more successful than you'll ever be. With ink black hair, emerald green eyes, a face carved out of mahogany, and the silent footfalls of a panther I pull women on Walking Street like a magnet attracts iron filings. But it's not all naked Thai women bursting out of birthday cakes.
Let me give you some personal domestic examples. Two months ago my manservant Rodney was eaten by lions on our African safari. Apparently, he had made some impolitic comments to some lions: manes (not combed), and their breath (really really bad). Mistake. A real loss. Rodney was a fantastic butler, houseboy, and manservant. Once the heat went out during a big blizzard here on Beacon Hill. Know what he did? That's right, he got into my bed and hugged me all night. He did not have to be told. He just knew.
Anyway, the Hong Kong agency overlooking the faux junks of the harbor has sent me a new personal servant named Rikkee Rukkuu. She is a Japanese female. So far–up and down. In the morning she kneels by my bed waiting for me to open my eyes. When my eyes open she says:
"I have been inexpressibly lonely while you were away. The sun has been under a cloud. The hours were dark."
What a difference. All Rodney ever said in the morning was:
"There are your clothes for today jackass–put them on."
It was all about tough servant love with Rodney but he was dead reliable (now just dead) and you could take him out. Not sure about Rikkee Rukkuu.
The first (and last) time Rikkee used a revolving door was at the Banzai Hotel in northern Thailand. Somehow her custom made Mandarin style mulberry bark Hong Kong parasol got caught and was torn to pieces. One of her wood Geta style Japanese flip-flop clogs was crushed, and her kimono was pinched and pulled against her hip in an almost interesting way.
"Bad door. Bad bad door. Velly bad door."
Only time will tell if she knows what to do during a Boston blizzard if the heat goes off. It isn't easy being me. But that is not what I want to talk about today. What I want to talk about today is a:
Dana here with another in my Great Idea series. You did not know there was a Great Idea series? All of my ideas are great ideas. Anyway, and to wit: it was a dark and stormy night. Ok, it wasn't a dark and stormy night–I have just always wanted to start a story that way.
Where was I? Oh yes, another one of my great ideas. I think it would be fun for Stickmanbangkok.com writers and readers to describe their best moment or time in Thailand. Totally happy times and totally happy stories about those times that served as personal touchstones of Kingdom bliss for ever after.
There wouldn't be any prizes. It is not a contest. Just a way to share your life with other farangs and with Thais and with the Kingdom. A way to show your humanity, and your class, and your style, and your education, and your breeding, and your sensitivity to the culture of Thais and Thailand. I'll go first.
It was 3:30 p.m. on a hot and sultry day on Soi 6 in Pattaya. Herds of whores were sitting out in front of bars like wildebeest at a waterhole. Too tired to drink, too dispirited to run. Then they saw me. Alpha male alert. Suddenly they started to breath and to sit up. Like lions spotting a three legged gazelle on the horizon their predatory instincts were kicking into gear. One girl sitting on a white plastic chair pulled up her dress and started staring at her crotch as if she had lost a contact lens and it might be in there.
Too late. I had already made the turn and was headed for my favorite place. I had a roast chicken under one arm, a miner's lamp on my head, and I was headed for the Sluts-R-Us bar. All the way to the end of the bar and I sat down in a booth. Pitch black but I had the miner's lamp on my head. And the roast chicken.
Want to make yourself popular with Thai girls? Go into a bar looking stupid, and rich, and carrying a roast chicken. Just experience talkin'. Anyway, Fem and Bam and Benz followed me to the end of the bar and brought their lunches. The four of us sat in the back in the dark with only the small pool of light from my headlamp and ate, and had sex, and played Connect 4. My pants were off in a flash. Bam rode me like a demented yaa baa addict, Benz fed me some of her grapes, and I played Connect 4 with Fem. Best time of my life in the Kingdom.
Why? Tearing apart the greasy roast chicken and wiping my hands on naked Bam's breasts? No. Being fed grapes by Benz as if I was some kind of farang potentate? No. Public sex while a fat German in sandals and white socks watched? No. It was not any of these things that made it the best day of my life in the Kingdom.
So what was it about this time in the Sluts-R-Us bar on Soi 6 that made it so memorable? It was the first time that I ever won a game of Connect 4 with a Thai bargirl. That was what made it so special. Sure the other stuff counted, but beating Fem at Connect 4 was the top of my life in the Kingdom. Didn't think it would ever happen. An emotional Mount Everest. Probably never to be repeated although I have gone through many miner's lamp batteries and many roast chickens in many bars since then trying to repeat the experience.
So Stickmanbangkokites, what was your best moment in the Kingdom? Write it up and send it in. Maybe we can get the Stickmeister to create a 'Best Of' section on the website that just throws off positive vibes. Should be fun.
A few best moments would make for good reading. I fear we get rather too many worsts!