Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 254
Dana here with an update on my life in the Kingdom. I am going to start selling Dana specific T-shirts. You heard me. I am going to mix commerce and my love for my fellow farang and start selling T-shirts with Dana specific sayings printed on them. Stop pinching yourself, it is true; and it can happen for you. Good things happen to good people. I am going to set up in front of the Jenny Bar just past the big tree halfway down on the right on Walking Street in South Pattaya.
The sign on the booth will say:
Thai Corn 20 Baht–Chinese Corn 40 Baht
Since there isn't any source or qualitative difference between Thai corn-on-the-cob at 20 baht and Chinese corn-on-the-cob for 40 baht I will use this puzzling-to-Westerners conundrum to attract attention to the booth. Once tourists get up to the booth they will see the Dana T-shirts hanging on hangers, and hanging off nails stuck in the tree, and pictured in catalogues, and cunningly displayed on eighty pound Hello girls.
1. I Have Never Once Won A Connect 4 Game With A Bargirl.
2. No I Do Not Need These Phone Books For Doggie Sex–I Carry Them For Fitness.
3. Two Hundred Baht
Note: This T-shirt is a 'two for' . . . it says Three Hundred Baht on the back. I call this the 'easy negotiator' shirt. No need to torture yourself trying to communicate with Ling, or Sing, or Wing, or Bang, or Sang, or Dang, or Lum, or Tum, or Wan. Just stand in front of them and point at the shirt. If two hundred baht is not enough–turn around.
4. There Is Always Time For Fashion
Note: Don't worry, none of these shirts will be sold to Germans in white socks and sandals. Although, now that I think of it: this shirt works either way, fashion hip or fashion challenged.
5. No Condoms
Note: Actually, the T-shirt looks like a junkie stabbed someone thirty seven times. I went a little nuts with the stencil at the factory and it says No Condoms thirty seven times front and back. Some times it is hard when you feel things deeply.
6. Ask Me How Marc Holt Got Scabs On His Nose
Note: This T-shirt is part of my ultimate hipster collection of 'Ask Me' T-shirts. Others are:
a. Ask Me About Union Hill
b. Ask Me About Chuckwoww
c. Ask Me About Chiang Mai Kelly
Many other names in the works as soon as I clear up a few lawsuit issues. What a bunch of babies.
7. Trample The Weak, Hurtle The Dead (Meet Me At The Windmill Bar).
8. Sores, Pimples, Rashes, Scabs? Ask Me About Penis Makeup.
9. Yes, Mr. Immigration Man–I Am Here To Date Your Daughter.
Note: A years supply of Chinese corn-on-the-cob to anyone who can provide photo evidence of wearing this shirt in the Immigration line at Bhumi.
10. Meet Me At The A.A.Hotel
11. I'm Not Short–It's Bad Tailoring
12. Fxxx Your Cellphone And The iPod It Rode In On
Note: part of the 'Fxxx' line of T-shirts. Examples:
a. Fxxx The French
b. Fxxx Your Email
c. Fxxx Turban Heads
d. Fxxx Dot Heads
Note: c & d sold separately or as a 'two for' with separate sayings front and back. Let them know how you feel coming and going.
e. Fxxx Thai Women Who Dye Their Hair Blonde
f. Fxxx All Indian Tailors Everywhere In This Solar System And Beyond
Note: You might have to learn to fight if you wear this shirt–people are going to want to steal it from you–just experience talking.
g. Fxxx Tall Men
13. Can Measure 10" Snowfall With One Of My Body parts
14. Ask Me What It Is Like To Be Humble And Shy
15. I'm On The Road To Poona
Well folks, that's it for now. Stay tuned for updates. I am going to start selling Dana T-shirts. Wearing these Dana specific T-shirts will attract the right sort of attention to yourself. Explaining how the T-shirt relates to me and how the T-shirt you are wearing relates to you will scoop you out of the trough of mediocrity you have been wallowing around in and elevate you to insider ultimate hipster cognoscenti status. Imagine the greatness by association you will garner in your bar, or on the boardwalk, or up and down your soi as you explain myself and yourself and the message on the T-shirt. Small, brown, petite, high cheek-boned, smiling, raven haired Essan wonders will listen to you wide-eyed with respect and adulation and all of your personal days will be paved with gold. I guarantee it.
So join the party. I'm here, you're here; and now Dana T-shirts are here. Volume discounts of one satang per one hundred shirts are available, cash only, all sizes available except XLONG (Fxxx Tall Men), and for an extra fee one of my Hello girls will come to your cheap crappy hotel room (oh, excuse me–condohotel long-term apartment) beyond Third Road and model it for you. Since these are young Thai girls in the 4'10" eighty pound range they will also bring two mangos to put under the shirts for better photo opportunities. We ship worldwide.
If you have Dana specific T-shirt ideas you would like me to print up just email your ideas to this website c/o the Stickmeister, or leave your ideas at the sales booth on Walking Street, or leave them with the trannies at the Jenny Bar, or leave them with Anna the Activities Director or Jo the front desk girl at the A.A.Hotel. I know you want to leave your Dana T- shirt ideas with me personally–but please, what are you thinking?
Dana T-shirts: they come in grey, blue, black, yellow, red, green, and purple. Ok, look–they only come in white and they are 1200 baht each. So get yourself down to the big tree on Walking Street and look for the Thai-Chinese corn-on-the-cob sign. You'll be glad you did.
Wait a minute . . . a little more nuanced figuring here: ok, that makes more sense–the shirts are 4000 baht each. Don't know where the 1200 baht number came from. I've got expenses. I have them made in Laos by out of work one legged drug mules and then brought over the border on refurbished Ho Chi Minh Trail bicycles. Expenses.
Autographs? You bet and no extra charge. I'm not really in this for the money. I'm really all about reaching out to the farangs of the world and doing good. Ok, a little confession here–my Dana T-shirt booth is located next to the tranny bar. I'll let you draw your own conclusions. Anyway, if you want me to autograph your shirts; no problem and no charge. Who loves you baby?
Chok dee to the max dude
I wonder if copies of these T-shirts will be available on Beach Road?