Readers' Submissions

To Whom It May Concern: Attn. DanaInAmerica

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 11th, 2010
  • 4 min read


This is my first submission and I wouldn’t be writing this but my conscious is bothering me.

This is a warning for DanaInAmerica. I know you still read the submissions even though you haven’t submitted any in a long while. This is to inform you of your future expulsion or denial of entry into what Uncle Sombat still calls Siam. As Uncle Som is in a high ranking position with the Pattaya Immigration office this is a definite possibility. If you know what is good for you, you will not mess with Uncle Som.

Why does Uncle Som want to expelled you or deny your future entry into Thailand? This probably is partly my fault as I introduced Uncle Som to the Stickmanbangkok website readers' submissions. As part of Uncle Som and my routine Saturday night drunken consumption of Mekong Cokes, the reading of your submissions were his favorite part of the activities. Your (Dana) stories got a drunken Uncle Som into such fits of laughter that he choked on grilled chicken and pork a couple of times. It was lucky for him that I know the Heimlich maneuver or he’d be history! He would then translate for the rest of the group and everyone would end up rolling on the ground laughing.

When you stopped submitting stories, Uncle Som couldn’t get over the fact that there wouldn’t be any more katoey stories. He would always be laughing so hard at ladyboy stories that Mekong Coke used to come squirting out of his nose and he would say “Dana chop katoey mak mak, mak mak (Dana likes ladyboys very very much). Him baba bobo (crazy as a loon)”. Well, Uncle Som hasn’t forgiven you for the disruption of our regular drunken routine so he told me to tell you if you don’t start submitting stories again he will put a big black mark next to your name. The consequence of this for you is if you’re in country now you will be arrested and held indefinitely at a Pattaya Immigration Center detention cell. That is until you‘re deported which could take a couple of months or up to a year depending on how he feels. Do you like eating jook (rice gruel) for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day? Uncle Som said life for you will be a living hell. So close and yet so far from all the action in Pattaya. No more boom boom katoeys for you.

Uncle Som has read all your submissions so he knows your modus operandi, i.e.: staying at the AA or Nana hotel, cruising Beach Road, visiting with Fa, your style of clothes, etc. If you’re in America, he’ll flag you for when you try to enter the Kingdom and send you right back to where you came from as you will be labeled as persona non grata. Dana, be afraid, be very afraid. Do not take Uncle Som’s threats lightly. Uncle Som does not make idle threats and you know how Thai people are when they’re obsessed with doing something. He is like the chang (elephant) or bargirls and will never forget. He also informed me that no amount of money is going to be enough for you to be able to buy your way back into the Land Of Smiles. That says a whole lot when money doesn’t talk as this country is where baht seems to always make things right.

Uncle Som has told me that he’s waiting for the day he meets up with you mano a mano. I can picture the verbal exchange between you two: Uncle Som: You falang mai dee mak mak, you go back home no come back Siam again.

Dana: I didn’t do anything. What did I do wrong?
Uncle Som: You stop write funny katoey story, Saturday night mai sanuk now.
Dana: Is that a crime I can be deported for?
Uncle Som: I can charge you for any crime I want. You want be yaba seller or work without permit?
Dana: You can’t do that. I’m not any of those
Uncle Som: You are if I say you are.
Dana: What can I do to stay in Thailand?
Uncle Som: You want stay Siam? You can stay Bang Kwan Prison!
Dana: Don’t I have any rights here? I want a lawyer.
Uncle Som: You can have lawyer when you back you country.

So Dana, if you enjoy visiting this great land of Beach Road freelancers, sharing your grilled chicken with the bar beer girls, ogling Cascades and Obsessions katoeys in Nana Plaza, cruising the Nana Hotel car park or if you value ever seeing Fa, Nit, Nat, Nut, Ning, Nong or any of your favorite Thai puying you better start writing and submitting again soon. This is not a threat but plain Thai fact. After writing this submission of warning, my conscious is now clear of whatever happens to you because you now are aware of the danger of your actions or inactions as is the case. Best wishes to you whether you decide to pacify Uncle Som or not. I hope for your sake that you do the right thing. If not, say sa wat dee krap to Siam.

Take care and chok dee krap,
Capkazoo

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