Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 252

  • Written by Dana
  • August 21st, 2010
  • 7 min read


FACEMASKS OF DANA

Introduction:

"Would it be too bold to imagine, that in the great length of time since the earth began to exist, perhaps millions of ages before the commencement of the history of mankind, would it be too bold to imagine, that all warm-blooded animals had arisen from one living filament, which the first great cause endowed with animality, with the powers of acquiring new parts, attented with new propensities, directed by irritations, sensations, volitions, and associations; and thus possessing the faculty of continuing to improve by its own inherent activity, and of delivering down these improvements by generation to its posterity, world without end?" — Erasmus Darwin (grandfather of Charles Darwin), treatise Zoonomia, published 1794.

This is clear enough on the first reading but a few supplementary readings with different speeds and different measures of alertness can give you the chills. Whence do ideas come from? Ever heard of Charles Darwin? Ever heard of his grandfather Erasmus? Whence do ideas come from?

Here is Charles Darwin many years later:

"Finally, then, I conclude that the greater variability of specific characters, or those which distinguish species from species, than of generic characters, or those which are possessed by all species; that the frequent extreme variability of any part which is developed in a species in an extraordinary manner in comparison with the same part in it's congeners; and the slight degree of variability in a part, however extraordinarily it may be developed, if it be common to a whole group of species; that the great variability of secondary sexual characters, and their great difference in closely allied species; that the secondary sexual and ordinary specific differences are generally displayed in the same part of the organization–are all principles closely connected together."

Whew. I'm exhausted. Rock on Charlie. But I gotta tell ya, Grandpa was in the Great Ideas Sweepstakes before you bought a ticket. One hundred twenty three words and thirteen punctuation marks in one sentence. And I'll make a deal with you: if you do not ask me what this means I will return the favor and not ask you what this means. But I almost digress. See a resemblance: between grandfather Erasmus and young Charley? Ok, neither one of these guys is a party animal but they do bring up the speculatory brain waves of:

From Whence Do Ideas Come?

Ok, young ubernerd Charley (Charles Darwin) takes a boat trip and stumbles after butterflies, and barnacles, and birds, and bees, and bears, and beavers, and beetles, and barracudas, and bats, and beaks, and beets, and biters, and baleens, and bivalves, and bloodsuckers, and blowing whales, and boas, and bonefish, and boobies, and botflies, and budgies, and bananas, and bamboos, and balapagoes burtles, and new ideas. New ideas? Really? Sorry, Charley; your grandfather was way way ahead of you and he even wrote it down and published it.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and I guess imitating grandpa is not a bad thing; but still, some imitation can be irritating. To wit:

FACEMASKS OF DANA

Cognoscenti, Dana Fan Club members, and heavy management hitters here at Dana Central headquarters on Beacon Hill in Boston have recently been notified that people (evil people), without business courtesy or conscience, are now selling Dana costumes on the Internet. I'm not going to dignify this ethical black hole by publishing the website address but it is now possible to purchase Dana costumes on the Internet. I know. I know. Believe me I know. I am as upset about this as you are. Yes, you can now look like me in four ways. I quote from the website:

Table of Contents–Dana Costume Offerings

1. Beacon Hill Dana — blue pin striped Singapore banker suit with sparkle flecked white satin shirt, silk tie, velvet vest, and matching vest pocket handkerchief and socks. Custom made crocodile shoes with laminated soles and heels. Let your clothes lie for you. What girl isn't going to smile for a billionaire? Be all you can be. Be Dana.

2. Schoolteacher Dana — black peg leg pants, cheap brown shoes, wrinkled white shirt, plaid tie, no socks. Large front pants pocket for wallet. Coffee and ketchup stains on shirt. Cigarette burn holes in tie. Let your clothes lie for you. What Thai girl doesn't yearn for the face earned by having sex with an ajarn? Be all you can be. Be Dana.

3. Backpacker Dana — purple drawstring beach pants with turquoise elephants, white Indian cotton shirt, black foam Nike sandals, silver bracelets to the elbow, bleached hair wig, necklaces including imitation coral, Mardi Gras beads, and penis amulets. Let your clothes lie for you. What Thai woman doesn't dream about a foreigner with a yaa baa pipeline? Be all you can be. Be Dana.

4. Retired Elderly Dana — fish scale cranberry colored crocodile shoes, six pleat black silk flared disco pants, cranberry colored leather fish scale print open collar shirt made from shoe scraps. The crocodile leather shirt is a little hot but there is an air conditioning system of Freon tubes attached. The Freon compressor pack is worn under the pants.

'Hey honey, is that a battery powered Freon compressor pack in your pants, or are you just glad to see me?'

Two toupees and three girdles for that Adonis look. The first toupee covers up scale pustules (too many bleach treatments). And of course a woven gold nugget belt that matches a gold nugget watch. The ostrich ascot matches the ostrich spats. You knew that.

In addition: the Retired Elderly Dana costume includes an accessorized aluminum walker with lucky string tied around the left aluminum leg, yellow paint with blue flames and pinstriping, rear view mirror, fringed leather side bags, tape deck, turn signals, two-tone horn, rubber grips, and an elephant tail flashing red light that you strap to your ass. A bucket of fried roaches and locusts and scorpions is sent with a clamp for strapping to the right leg.

What Thai woman does not dream of posing for hotel room pictures with an accessoried walker and an ancient farang? Be all you can be. Be Dana.

And of course, on the website, all these Dana outfits come with a mask that looks exactly like me. It is not a death mask (thank god), but it looks exactly like me. What can I say? This is so wrong. Do not patronize these people just for the thrill of being me. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but it is a slippery slope and you would not want to become another Charles Darwin taking credit for ideas that belonged to others. Whence do ideas come? Well, in my case I am still alive and the notion that I would go into the Windmill Bar on Soi Diamond in South Pattaya and see another me with my face buried in Poom's crotch is a pretty disturbing idea. I think we can all agree on that. Information here at Dana Central headquarters in Boston is that millions of men all over the world want to be me. Point taken. But do not sacrifice personal dignity and contribute to world wide downward spiraling by ordering these Dana outfits. Do not give in to tawdry personal emotional needs, overpowering psychic desires, and embarrassing temptations and buy these Dana costumes. Be strong.

Imagine if these Dana masks and costumes had been available in Charles Darwin's day and he had been stumbling around on the Galapagos Islands dressed as Backpacker Dana. Imagine. I think I have made my point.

I know what you are thinking. You could buy one of these Dana costumes but not leave the house. Just walk around in the house dressed like me, maybe invite some girls over to have sex with me, etc. Private pleasures. No, I am sorry. I am an ethical giant on this subject. That is and would be wrong. And in some cases scary. For example: 500 Baht Walt of the Nana Hotel Lounge Lizards is about 6'2' tall and 350 pounds. I don't think any of us want to see me that big.

I don't want to say that 500 Baht Walt is big but there are Renaissance paintings of Biblical characters on life rafts using his underpants for a sail.

I don't want to say that 500 Baht Walt is big but when he takes a girl to his room at the Mothership all you hear is screaming. The girl just screams and screams and screams.

I don't want to say that 500 Baht Walt is big but if you ask him to count to four he'll paw the ground with one of his huge feet like a demented Scottish dairy farmer.

I don't want to say this Mothership lounge lizard is big but — ok, you get the point: nobody wants to see this guy wearing a Dana mask and a Dana costume.

There is only one Dana.

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

I heard that the Ladyboy Dana was the top-selling of all the costumes…