Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 251
Attn: Stickmanites, worshippers of Danaism, and dribblers:
Stickmanbangkok.com has a rule that all submissions must be at least 800 words long. This story called Looking for Winners comes in a little short of 800 words. I emailed Stick and asked him if I could get a one time reprieve on this 800 word limit rule and his reply follows:
"I can't believe you would have the ignorant unmitigated gall to even take up my very valuable time with a bonehead stupid request like this. I have been carrying you and your lameass submissions for years and this is the thanks I get for practically rescuing you from the gutter and giving you a chance (most of which you have squandered) at human dignity. Talk about an ingrate. I've spit on soi dogs smarter than you, and NO you can not get a one submission reprieve on the minimum 800 word rule. You always did think you were special which everyone knows is just a big joke. Anyway, I hope you burn and twist in the fires of Hell for eternity.
You are the original King of Krazy Krap for a website administrator. I don't think you are playing with a full deck in the brain department. Special scheduling requests, goofy font requests, stupid mistakes you want me to fix, loony spacing issues, and margin issues too boring for words. I've had it with you up to the tops of my eyeballs and you are not getting any special treatment. None. Bupkus. Zero. Forget about it tourist pest. Zippo. Ain't never gonna happen. In your dreams and you can stick this request where the sun don't shine. Just mail in your latest pile of mud and I'll throw it against the wall and see if any of it sticks. Oh, and my latest application to the Dana Fan Club which has once again been denied? Ask me if I care. Dickhead"
Ok, I'm not the brightest light bulb in the hallway but I guess that Stick response is maybe a Yes and maybe a No. Hard to tell. I hate to get all involved in human relationships (unless she has short wide brown feet) but maybe this would be a good time to remind the great Stickmeister that I introduced him to Boom-Boom in the parking lot of the Mothership, turned him on to my tailor so that he could dress like me, never mentioned his hanging nose booger at lunch one day, acted as a character reference for some little computer club he wanted to join, personally delivered the news to him that he would not be accepted into the Dana Fan Club, and lent him 2 satang so that he could tip a waitress at an embassy event.
In addition, I have never brought up the fact that he had cosmetic surgery to look like me, cuts holes in his socks to look like me, wears a Bondi Beach yellow lifeguard wig to look like me, and often uses the same words in his writing as I use in my writing. Words like 'and' , 'or' , 'but' , 'however' , 'Sweet' , 'Jesus' , 'on' , 'a' , and 'cracker'. Some people would call this plagiarism. I never brought it up. That's the kind of guy I am.
And further additionally, over the years I have received a lot of emails from Stickmanbangkokites asking me to provide personal information about Stick. Never, not once; have I mentioned the incidents of 2003, the indiscretions of 2004, the embarrassments of 2007; and most especially, the massive issues of 2009–it is improper and I won't do it. I know from your emails to Dana Central that many of you in 2009 heard Stick's name mentioned in sentences that involved words and phrases like military options, currency fluctuations, collateral damage, United Nations sanctions, monogrammed condoms, and 50 caliber ammo. Believe me when I tell you: I know in detail and document and testimony what all this stuff means. But I'm not talking. It is improper and I won't do it.
Like I said I don't want to bring this stuff up and lean on the guy and his 800 word limit rule–that's just not me. But it's hard not to notice that with this introduction I am now going to be over 800 words. So kiss my butt Stickboy, and for the rest of you loyal Stickmanites here is a story called:
LOOKING FOR WINNERS
When not pursuing his personal/sabbatical highly focused, scientifically based, academically formatted bargirl checklist research (see Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 220–Porno Playing Cards); Korski can usually be found bent double over municipal trash cans on the Pattaya boardwalk looking for winning lottery tickets that have been mistakenly thrown away. He's a tall man who by bending at the waist and tucking his belt buckle over the lip of the trash receptacle can get his head and arms right to the bottom of the trash cans. He's easy to spot. Just look for the bottom half of a professor on sabbatical/vacation.
Anyway, I had an important question to ask him so I went looking. Spotted his lower half with his attendant little red research wagon (again, see Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 220–Porno Playing Cards) which is always by his side right away. Most professors have legions of slavishly devoted Phd students or post-doc students as research assistants. Korski has his wagon. Anyway, a few taps on the can and up he comes like a deep sea diver wearing a miner's head lamp, surgical gloves, elbow pads, Japanese pollution face mask, and eye surgeon magnifying spectacles.
Me: Find any winning tickets yet?
Me: How long have you been looking?
Korski: Nine years.
Me: How many of these cans are there?
Korski: About thirty.
Me: What is your frequency of investigation?
Korski: Twice a day times thirty cans times thirty days per year times nine years.
Me. So, 2 x 30 x 30 x 9 has so far yielded zero?
Korski: Yes, but that is not the point.
Me: What is the point?
Korski: Well, it has to do with the theory of large numbers. Since I am a full professor with more degrees than a thermometer factory and you are short you probably couldn't grasp the theory of large numbers.
Me: Try me.
Korski: Well, I haven't got the time to explain the mathematical wonders of the universe to a frog but basically it means that the more I look the greater my chances of finding a winning lottery ticket that some Thai threw away.
Me: I don't think that is even remotely the theory of large numbers professor. Perhaps you should consult your little red wagon.
Korski: For instance, look here. This ticket number is only off the winning number by nine digits. And this lottery ticket number is only off the winning number by four digits. And this number is only off by two digits. I'm saving that one–you never know.
Me: Know what?
Korski: Look, I'm kinda busy, and get your foot off my wagon.
I moved on. I had completely forgotten the important question I was going to ask Professor Korski and I was beginning to think he was off by more than two digits.
Lessons learned? No big ones really. Just that it is easy to find a full professor on sabbatical/vacation on the boardwalk in Pattaya, don't ask him about the theory of large numbers, and don't put your foot on his wagon.
Yep, it looks like every Saturday Stickmanites once again have a front row seat to the Zany World of Dana Show!