Forgive Or Forget?
I did not want to write this submission, Stick, nay I thought I would never have cause to, but despite my humiliation in the matter, I feel I owe it to your readership. It is a curious thing how people get on websites like this and confess their errors. So with that in mind I will enter your confessional Stickman and seek absolution, “Bless me Father for I have errored, my last confession was…okay, it's been a long time…..”
I’ve been to Bangkok a couple times. I am perhaps one of the few who can honestly say he never rented a girl for P4P. No offense to the mongerers, it just isn’t my thing. I’m in my high 40s now and have changed dramatically in the last few years. I guess my testosterone has dropped. Now, I actually have some control of myself and love it. No longer does the penis making all the decisions, but now perhaps it is the heart. I don’t trust either of them.
I went to Bangkok not to monger, but instead to engage in a far more questionable behavior. I went looking for a wife, madness surely. I researched the matter thoroughly before hand and met very nice, younger, beautiful, petite, quiet Thai girl who was the paragon of Asian femininity. I was smitten. Many a sage expat wished me well, but cautioned you can’t meet Ms. Right on trips of a few weeks. I knew they were correct, but living in Thailand for an extended period was not an option. I did the most to maximize my probability of success. First, I did not even consider looking in a bar; second, we were properly introduced; third, she was educated and spoke decent survival English. She was a gainfully employed mainstream girl who would score high even on Jayson’s rigorous beauty scale (BTW: excellent submission Jayson, thank you Sir). She worked in an office and had a young son up country with momma. The boy’s father was a playboy who dropped her like a bad habit once he heard she was pregnant. The daddy never gave her a single baht to support the child and only set eyes on the boy once. He never married her or paid a sinzot (only farangs are required to do that). She was the archetypical young girl who fell for charms of a worthless sweet talker.
We met, hit it off great and pledged our sincerest intentions toward each other. She told me I was only the second man she had ever known. I took that claim with a grain of salt and wondered why she felt compelled to tell me. And so the long process of her getting a visa to Farangland began. She continued her office job and never asked me for money. The first 5 months went well. We exchanged emails and phone calls daily. I did a few return visits and all was sunshine and happiness. After many months' real progress was being made on the visa. She didn’t like her job and resigned to find something better. Believing she would only have to wait a few months I offered to pay her way so she did not have to work and would be available to do the necessary things pending her visa interview and departure.
When we first met we were in an internet café and I noticed she had an account on a local social networking website with her photo posted. So as a test of faithfulness, I opened a bogus account on the same website and posted the photo of a younger and much better looking farang who claimed to actually live in Bangkok. Using the false account I sent her a few emails introducing myself and asking to make her acquaintance. She accepted me as a friend on her account as she had with 150 other people, but she never responded to the emails or showed an interest. She had passed this test with flying colors.
Not long after she stopped working and started living on my dime I noticed a slight change. The daily emails were less so and when I called her cell at certain times she sometimes did not answer. Most the conversations were fine, but in some she seem rather quiet and did not have much to say. Could these be red flags? There is the old saying you should never ask an honest question unless you are ready for an honest answer. I suppose many men would have been content to ignore their suspicions subconsciously thinking what they did not know would not hurt them. Sadly, I lacked this ability. It is said we farangs leave our common sense at the Bangkok airport as perhaps I did, but I have always kept my cynicism with me and it has not failed me yet.
Hiring a Private Investigator:
I contacted Mark, the proprietor of Thailand Private Investigations. You may be familiar with Mark via his website Thaiguru.com. I asked him to set up surveillance on my Siam Sweetie’s (SS) place to see who came and went. For a fee of $250 his people would give it a look. I furnished photos and the address. I don’t want to reveal the techniques Thai PI used in this case, but I can tell you I was quite impressed with the competency of their service.
The first report came back that SS was observed arriving on the back of a motorbike driven by a young good looking taxi man with whom she appeared to be affectionate. The two of them entered her apartment building and he remained for hours thereafter. Initially I was not concerned, as I knew her brother worked as a motorcycle taxi; however the surveillance agents had seen photos of SS’s brother and were certain it was not him. Later investigation determined it was not her brother, but in fact the father of her bastard child. It appeared she took her business to an old established firm. This is the girl who told me countless times “Thai man no good, I do not like young Thai man”. You fully expect these well rehearsed lines to come from the mouth of an experienced bar girl, but she was not one of them. There must be a Thai website that coaches these girls on how to talk to farangs. If a Thai girl meets a farang who is left handed she will promptly tell him how much she dislikes right handers. The only solace I could find was at least it was not a totally new guy and theoretically her carnal favors might still have only been sampled by two LOL…..
The emotional roller coaster that followed was something I had not experienced in decades. Though it was painful for me, I still had to laugh at all the mixed emotions and myself. There I was, a very grown man not knowing what I thought or felt. It was as if I were a teenager again and being dumped just before the senior prom. Funny really. I did not know how I felt. Did I hate her? No, too drastic. Did I feel deep disappointment? Absolutely. Was I angry? Yes, a bit. I think the emotion I felt toward her the most was pity. She was close to getting the long waited pass to Farangland and this is what she does. I had actually been faithful. The girl was in the game, on the 3 yard line, with 10 seconds left in the Superbowl and she fumbled the ball. She was sooooooo close to winning the game. In my twenties I would have been heartbroken for months, now in my forties I’m disappointed for weeks.
Helping me through all this emotional crap was, believe it or not, PI Mark! I found him to be quiet a cerebral and interesting fellow; an intriguing mixture of PI, psychologist and counselor. He talked me in from the ledge and told me to take a step back before making any decisions. I found his counsel most valuable as he deals with these matters routinely.
I called SS that night and did not tell her I knew what was going on. I told her of a fictitious story I claimed to have read on the internet about a Thai girl waiting for a visa who had a future farang husband paying her way. I told SS the girl in the story had a Thai boyfriend and the farang found out. I asked SS what she thought the farang should do. SS said the Thai girl was a bad lady and the farang should cancel the Thai girl’s visa. I then asked her if she had anything she wanted to tell me. She assured me she did not. She assured me I was her only love and there was no other.
That night I sent SS an email stating my belief she had a boyfriend and I asked to confess. I explained to her the concept of seeking forgiveness in Christianity. That if a person admitted a sin, apologized for it and pledged never to sin again it would allow the aggrieved party to grant forgiveness. I did not tell her she was being watched and I had proof of her philandering, but she figured it out. On reading my email SS made a panicked call to the cell phone of one the Thai PI agents she encountered. SS was crying and yelling (something I never heard her do before), stating her life had been ruined and asking why it had been done to her. Later she answered my email with a long message apparently written by someone in the middle of a nervous breakdown. In the message she stated a month ago the father of her son had contacted her. She admitted to occasionally allowing him to stay in the apartment I paid for, “because he had nowhere to go”. She denied ever having sex and stated the arrangement was strictly platonic. She apologized for not telling me, but thought I would not understand. The message then meandered in a narrative of her self pity and criticism of me for having had her investigated. She did say I was her only love and she counted the days until we met in Farangland. Nowhere in the message did she express remorse or concern for what she put me through. She did not admit to doing anything really wrong i.e. fucking around and lying. I consider the lying to be an even more serious sin than the physical infidelity. Lying in a relationship is insidious.
Does absolution exit in Thai culture?
I know nothing of Thai culture, but I am strongly inclined to believe the western / Christian concept of asking for forgiveness and seeking absolution does not exist among Thais. Hopefully I am wrong. Farangs hate to admit they have sinned also, but in western culture a person is actually given genuine credit when they do and the recipient of apology is culturally compelled to forgive and forget. My impression is if a Thai owns up to having wronged all they are doing is further compounding their lose of face and no forgiveness given or catharsis obtained. In western culture sometimes it is a virtue to lose face. In Buddhism a sin stays forever.
I was pissed off after reading SS’s email due to its lack of veracity and shifting of blame. I had to grade her statements on a sliding scale. She clearly wrote it in hysteria. She never considered the consequences of her actions or even the possibility of getting caught. I know what happened. She got bored and lonely with too much time on her hands. The little prick that fathered her son heard she had a farang on the line and started sniffing around her again. He gave her a line about how since she would be leaving soon and since they already had a child together it would not really be infidelity and no one would ever know. I’m sure the little fucker managed to pry some of my money out of her hands in the process. “Fragility, thy name is women !” (Hamlet; William Shakespeare).
I responded to her ranting, self serving email with the following message and a surveillance photo of taxi boy entering her apartment building:
SS thinks she is a very, very smart girl.
She thinks her farang is a very, very stupid man.
SS tell many lies to her farang.
SS say: “Thai man no good, I do not like young Thai man”.
SS had sex many times with taxi boy.
SS has been a very bad wife.
SS has dishonored her husband and her family.
The email I received the next day surprised me. Instead of the expected denials and pleas she had apparently come full circle. She apologized (sort of) without ever saying what she had done. Fatalism had set in, she knew she was busted and this is what she wrote.
I will remember you forever
I hope you have nice new life
I am sorry
But be assured I love only you
Please tell me how to cancel visa
I have failed. I have been a sap and a dumb ass. No need to further point out the obvious. I have earned the ridicule of all. But perhaps the greater failure would have been not to have tried. To those who dare comes victory, to those who don’t comes the comfort of mediocrity.
I just hope this epic tale of woe does not blind us to what virtue there may actually be in the world. Even if it is in a gogo bar in Pattaya…
Good on you for getting her checked out. Mark is a good guy, one of few genuinely close friends and one of few guys I trust totally here in Bangkok. I am pleased to hear the quality of his work met your expectations.
Given the tales of woe we read on her and the low cost of getting a girl checked out, I am surprised more guys don't actually get their darling looked into.