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Condoms And The Rainy Season

  • Written by Anonymous
  • August 10th, 2010
  • 4 min read


Hello, hello… Is that you Somchai?

Yes it is, who is this calling at this ungodly hour?

It's me, your friend Lurchai from Kalasin. Top of the morning to you buddy!

Fuck me dead Lurchai, it's 6 o'clock in the morning, don't you have a watch?

Who needs watches here, we've got roosters, remember?

Well, we've got plenty of roosters here of the farang variety who make lots of noise after the sun goes down. Lucky for us Isaan folk there are still some of these guys who come to the Kingdom to slash and burn without ever going near a farm. I don't know how we'd manage without them.

You're wrong Somchai. There are quite a few who live around here with their wives and breed like crazy. You should see all these blonde kids running around the local markets , it's a sight to behold. But that's not what I'm calling about. Since the red shirt gig has finished I've been idle and…

Heh heh heh…That's a misnomer Lurchai. Idle is your middle name!

Stop it Somchai, I'm serious! We're running short of rice and have many mouths to feed and my daughter is not old enough yet to marry off so I need a job. How about it, can you help? Are you working in Bangkok?

Yes I'm working. I've got a job with the local council as a flood mitigation specialist. The pay is not so good and you actually have to work, not like during the revolution, but beggars can't be choosers.

What's a flood mitigation specialist?

Well, it's like this. We've got a team down Soi 4 way near the Nana Hotel which is where a lot of farangs congregate at night for their pillage and plunder activities and there seems to be a problem of local flooding during the rainy season. Apparently the problem is caused by thousands of condoms chucked down toilets in the rooms where these bastards are doing our Isaan sisters night after night. They're clogging up all the sewers around here. By the way, the local 7/11 is doing a roaring trade in condoms. You've never seen anything like this!

I see… erm…what's a condom, Somchai?

Yep, you're right Lurchai, I should have remembered. That's why you people over there have so many mouths to feed. Listen up! Get your arse down here pronto and I'll have a place for you working down the sewers. We have a nice sideline earner going for us here. As you can imagine they've got rats running around here by the thousands and you should see the size of these urban variety. They're nothing like the mice over on the farms. These fuckers are huge, more like rabbits and apparently they taste good too. The local eateries pay a 100 baht for each one we catch and the farangs love gobbling them down in their hamburgers!

Sounds good to me! I'd like to try that…. Barbecued Rat and Som Tam, sounds delicious. So how much does the job pay?

Pay starts at 150 baht a day, free lodgings in the abandoned construction site around the corner. This'll tide you over for a couple of months until the reds organise again. I hear through the grape wine that after the rains are gone we'll be needed on the ramparts again so this sewer gig is just temporary . In any case I heard they discovered a new kind of condom which is soluble. I just hope it's not going to disappear down our sisters' pussies. That's a farang contamination we can do without!

Wow Somchai, you have a fertile imagination.

Yep, you're right and to the point regarding infertility. But we digress! When you come down don't forget to bring a gallon of that home brew fire water. Ah and don't forget to tell my wife I miss her…home cooking, that is. Tell her to take care of her farang husband and make sure he is happy and thank her for the regular money orders too! Without that I couldn't manage here on a 150 baht a day. Bloody hell, the cost of living in Bangkok is so high!

I know what you mean, it's getting higher in upcountry too. If it wasn't for the farangs putting up their big houses the local builders would all be bankrupt. Occasionally I get a day labouring job to help with concreting and what not and I'm always amazed at how many toilets these farangs need and to sit on. Bloody hell, all we need is a hole in the ground and a bucket of water and we're all done.

Ok, Ok ..that's enough shit talk Lurchai, you get over here ASAP and you'll have all the shit you can handle. You get my drift? Heh Heh Heh… See you later!

Ps. Don't forget to bring a face mask, they've run out of supplies here.

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