According to legend Oxford University was founded in 872 by Alfred the Great. In reality it started in the 12th Century, following the arrival of a number of teachers who came to the City to lecture. These teachers were soon followed by groups of students, living and studying in Oxford. The institution that is Oxford University has now grown to 38 separate colleges and six permanent private halls of religious foundation. Although recently the UK government has done much to encourage student applications from a broad spectrum of social backgrounds, many students continue to be recruited from wealthy families and the social elite. Some of the exclusive societies formed within the University Colleges have become infamous for rowdy and outlandish behaviour, especially the drinking and dining clubs.
This story revolves around the activities of a club formed at one particular Oxford University college that was founded during the reign of Henry VI (1422 to 1461). The Id dinning club, now simply known as “The Id” came into being in 1925.
For those that are interested; the concept of “Id” is introduced in Sigmund Freud’s 1920 essay “Beyond the Pleasure Principle” and developed three years later in a further Freud essay "The Ego and the Id". The Id is responsible for mankind’s basic drives such as food, water and sex. It is both amoral and selfish – ruled by the pleasure – pain principle. It is completely illogical, primarily sexual, infantile in its emotional development, and is not able to take "no" for an answer.
Membership of “The Id” is restricted to a privileged few chosen by the committee. Membership is not open to women. You cannot apply to join “The Id”. The club is divided between graduate and undergraduate members, each with their own sub-committee. Members’ of “The Id” are often described as wealthy individuals who have little or no social conscience. By nature they tend to be chauvinistic, self-important, competitive, loud, arrogant and overbearing. Above all else they enjoy self indulgence. Many Id student members go on to enjoy successful careers in the City!
Despite a few lurid stories, “The Id” has been able to carry on with its business largely undisturbed for the past 80 or so years. Where problems have occurred, then they were most often resolved through the payment of financial compensation and, or, a phone call to the Dean from one of the universities main benefactors. There was an event back in 60’s, which did briefly threaten the continued existence of the club. The president of “The Id” had procured some sixth form girls from a local school to act as waitresses and strippers at the end of term banquet. One thing led to another culminating in two of the girls getting pregnant, with another crying rape. Mindful of the looming scandal, the Dean thought it prudent to close the club for a short period.
For the past 10 years, John Giles the graduate Club Secretary has organised the much anticipated annual conference in Bangkok. The Ids’ travel in early March, staying in a first class Thai owned hotel. The sympathetic hotel owner is well connected with the boys in tight brown shirts, fully understands the needs of his guests, and is more than happy to overlook their indiscretions – subject to adequate financial recompense. On arrival, the Ids’ take over the top two floors of the hotel. The arrangement works well, in that the accommodation provided is fully self-contained. Lift access to these top two floors is restricted by swipe card, which keeps out the riffraff.
The top floor of the hotel contains the penthouse suites. A rooftop bar and pool area is also available for the exclusive use of the Ids’. The lower of the two floors comprises of an office and conference suite together with a supporting restaurant. During the Ids’ stay, this office space is reconfigured to provide a cocktail lounge and the dealmaker – a private gogo bar. On their final night the gogo bar is converted into a banqueting hall for a King Henry V111 (1509 – 1547) themed feast.
A week before the conference John Giles is dispatched to Bangkok to oversee final arrangements with the hotel owner. The most important task is to source the hostess and gogo girls. An adequate stock of cocaine, Viagra, condoms, champagne and fine wines also needs to be laid in. Finally, there is the small matter of organising the King Henry V111 banquet. John is responsible for overseeing the menu, and selecting the desert wine. He must also source the costumes, as by tradition everyone dresses in period. The club president will assume the role of King Henry V111 and provides the drunken speech of thanks. This brings the banquet formally to a close and signals the official start of the orgy to follow. To assist him in this role the president requires a silicon enhanced queen. John will select the Queen. He is also responsible for approving the Filipina band, which must be able to play something that can pass for medieval music. John will then finalise the choice of entertainers; such as jesters, jugglers and a fire eater. The hotel owner will instruct the girls on their duties. He will also have booked a number of Filipina bands to play in the cocktail lounge on each of the nights preceding the banquet.
By the time the Ids’ arrived from the airport by coach, John was both physically and mentally exhausted. John also knew that he would have little spare time to relax and enjoy himself over the coming days. John’s role, as it had been in previous years, was to be the fixer. He would act as a conduit between the Ids’ and the hotel, sorting out any problems as and when they occurred.
The Ids’ were in good spirits – in fact very full of good spirits! Most of them had taken full advantage of the comprehensive drinks service available in the first and business class cabins of their 11 hour BA flight from London. The vast majority would not set foot outside the hotel until it was time to return home. Why – because everything they needed was right here waiting for them on the upper two floors!
Floor walking, John could see that the thoroughness of his preparations had paid off. There were no last minute hitches for him to sort out. Some of the Ids’ had gone straight to their rooms, either to sleep off their jetlag, sober up, or wait for their newly supplied Viagra to kick-in. A few were to be found relaxing in the cocktail lounge. Two Ids’ had made their way to the swimming pool and were enjoying a cooling dip. A few more were watching them from the sanctuary of the pool bar. A commotion emanating from his left drew John’s attention. “Dennis the Menace” was perusing one of the hostess girls around the sun beds, intent on having his way with her. Dennis prides himself on being “first out of the blocks” on all occasions such as this! John watched in amusement as Dennis neatly collared the girl, tucked her under one meaty arm and carried her to the bar. He then bent her over a bar stool, deftly removing her shorts and knickers in one movement. Dennis’s friends watched in obvious delight as he began to roger her robustly. John thought about offering him a condom, but realised it was already too late. In any case Dennis never uses them. He views run of the mill STD’s as battle honours and believes that he cannot contract HIV due to having been circumcised. John mentally wishes him luck. Very soon all of the Ids’ drinking at the bar were also availing themselves of the hostess girls. One of them threw his girl fully clothed into the pool, jumping in after her to have some fun. As John turned to go, the girl had wrapped her legs around his waist and they were both clearly enjoying themselves.
A few hours later and most of the Ids’ were out of their rooms looking for some action. The gogo was in full swing. Five chrome poles has been set-up on a stage in the middle of the room. There were steps leading up to the platform at each end. A naked girl was gyrating on each pole. Other girls were lined-up waiting to take their places when the music changed. A bar seating area had been created in a circle around the stage, with stools and a shelf in front where you could rest your drinks. Hostess girls would come and take your order, fetching the drinks from the service bar at the far end of the room, located by the DJ and his sound system. Additional platforms had been set into each corner of the room. Here Coyotte dancers in skimpy shorts performed. Strobe lighting completed the effect. Set back from the circular bar seating area were some tables and comfortable chairs. Here those that wished to do so could relax away from the main action on centre stage. A number of the Ids’ were already snorting lines of cocaine off the glass tables through £50 notes. No need to sneak off to toilets in this establishment! The girls were also trying to score some action, sitting on the Ids’ laps and not minding one bit the probing fingers inside their knickers.
The ping-pong show was just about to start when John was called away by a flunkey sent by the hotel owner. Dennis the Menace had sent out for fireworks, and was bombarding passers-by with multi-shot roman candles launched from the swimming pool terrace. The police had been called and wanted to investigate. John peeled off a number of notes from the wad he kept in his pocket for just such eventualities. The hotel owner went away to deal with the police. John tactfully parted Dennis from the remainder of his fireworks and found him some weed to smoke. He left Dennis with a couple of lovelies who would no doubt direct his surplus energies towards less harmful pursuits!
The band booked by the hotel to entertain the Ids’ in the cocktail lounge had just come on stage. The hostesses had persuaded them to play some Thai numbers and were really getting into the music. Some of the Ids’ were cool with this, as they liked watching the girls getting down and boogying to the beat. Others thought it was crap and started throwing cashew nuts at the band. It all started to get out of hand when one or two of the Ids’ threw the glass bowls in which the cashew nuts had been stored. A fight broke out. John turned up just in time to prevent the joint being trashed. The Thai music was banished and order of a sort restored.
The hours passed and the party continued. Many of the Ids’ were disappearing back to their rooms with a girl or two in tow. The effects of the Viagra and coke were now really kicking in. John didn’t think there would be any further problems for him to deal with, so he went back to the cocktail lounge to have a quiet beer and watch the band perform their final set. He was tired and had planned to sleep alone, but a doe eyed beauty somehow overlooked by the rampaging Ids’ caught his eye. She persuaded him to change his mind!
The next few days followed a similar pattern. One of the Ids’ got speared by a dart during the ping-pong show. John had to call in a doctor to give him a tetanus jab. Another Id tried to bring in a 14 year old girl from outside, sold to him by a Mamasan as a virgin. John patiently explained that the girl was almost certainly not a virgin, and if the Thai police got involved then even the hotel owner would not be able to save him from a lengthy stay at the “Bangkok Hilton”. Eventually the girl left!
Richard Fortescue was struggling to stay the course and decided to absent himself for a couple of days to visit Hong Kong. He duly selected a suitable lovely to be his companion and jetted off. John was concerned to see him return by himself a few days later. It transpired that they had attended an evening meeting at the Happy Valley racecourse and Richard had lost a small fortune. His mood was not improved when his beau tried to further take him to the cleaners during a shopping trip the following day. Richard decided to abandon the girl at the hotel, leaving her without a return airline ticket or the means to pay for one. Ever the knight in shining armour, it fell to John to arrange for the girl to be repatriated.
One of John’s best decisions was to select two identical sisters as gogo dancers. It was subsequently discovered that one of the older hostess girls was in fact their mother. Their lesbian act quickly became the most popular show in the gogo. The Ids’ especially liked the part in the show where “Mum” donned a devils mask, strapped a huge double ended dildo between her legs and then serviced her two daughters simultaneously. Most of the Ids’ wanted some “three on one action”. Another fight broke out when Dennis the Menace tried to claim exclusive rights. John had to institute a booking system so everyone got a chance to play. He also doubled the girls’ pay to increase their availability.
Finally the day of the banquet arrived. The gogo’s centre stage and furniture had been removed, to be replaced by a long line of trestle tables covered with rough sacking. Simple bench seating had been provided along both sides of the table, with two thrones fashioned from high backed chairs placed at the far end. Each place setting comprised of a large wooden bowl and a tankard. Knives, forks and spoons were also provided. The DJ’s turnstiles and equipment had been removed to provide a space for the Filipina band to occupy. The corner stages remained, as these would be used by the jugglers and the fire eater. John was aware that the girls were not experienced waitresses, so this year had decided to limit the feast to three courses. This should hopefully prevent the delays and mishaps of previous years.
At precisely eight o’clock the Ids’ were led into the banqueting hall. Each was dressed in a simple belted tunic. None of them wore underwear, which would be surplus to requirements during the orgy that was to follow. The serving wenches also wore tunics. These were cut low in the front. They were also very short, barely covering their buttocks. It was clear that the girls would have no option but to expose themselves as they bent over to serve the guests. Needless to say the girls had also dispensed with their underwear!
When they had all found their places, John asked everyone to be upstanding as the trumpeters announced the arrival of the King. Henry Tudor dressed in all his regal finery strolled purposely to the head of table, with his Queen by his side. The Queen proudly wore her golden crown and bejewelled shoes. She was dressed in a tiny gold braided mini skirt, with a gold medallion around her neck – and nothing else! The Ids’ could see that Her Royal Highness was in fact a tiny Thai girl, no more than 5 feet tall, with delicate almost childlike features. She also had a 44” bust!
Once the King and Queen had been seated, the King clapped his hands and commanded “Let the feast begin”. This resulted in a flurry of activity. The trumpeters on the corner stages were replaced by jugglers and the fire eater. The Filipina band struck up with their interpretation of medieval music, and the hostesses began scurrying around pouring wine from their pitchers. As the girls bent to their task, many of the Ids’ good naturedly gave them a helping hand!
Following the pouring of the wine, John proposed a toast to the King and the Id. “The King and the Id”, they responded enthusiastically, banging their tankards on the table. This was the signal for the girls to serve the first course, broth soup with rye bread rolls. Needless to say, a bread roll fight soon eschewed. Two jesters began working the table, playing little tricks on both the Ids’ and the girls, sometimes hitting them over the head with an inflated pig’s bladder. The mood was relaxed and light, with for the most part everyone taking their joshing and clowning in good heart. This changed when one of the Jesters tipped the dregs of Dennis the Menace’s tankard over his head. Dennis responded by knocking the unfortunate fool out cold. After the Jester had been revived, John peeled off a few more 1,000 Baht notes from his wad. No real harm done, although the Jesters’ were noticeably more circumspect afterwards.
Once the Ids’ had finished their broth soup, the girls brought the main course to the table. The King was presented with a spit roast pig, supplemented by chicken, beef, lamb, ham and tongue. With much ceremony a boar’s head arrived on a silver platter. For some reason it had two large apples and a banana placed in its mouth! The girls busied themselves serving food and toping up tankards with wine and ale.
Whilst the Ids’ were feasting, one of the girls decided to show the fire eater what a naughty girl she was. After receiving his blow job, the fire eater playfully dismissed her with a sheet of flame. Unfortunately he made a minor miscalculation, and much to the amusement of the Ids’ the girl ran screaming from the room with smoke coming from the back of her scorched tunic. Dennis the Menace then decided to join in the fun by trying to administer an enema to one of the serving wenches using the contents of her pitcher. The girl squawked and protested loudly. Fortunately she escaped his clutches before the inevitable happened!
When at last the Ids’ had eaten their fill, the girls cleared away what remained of the meat and served the desert. This consisted of a traditional spiced fruit cake, supplemented by a good desert wine chosen by John. The girls also distributed Viagra, condoms, glass mirrors, razor blades and a generous supply of cocaine.
Finally, the time had come to formally close the banquet. His Royal Majesty King Henry V111 rose to his feet somewhat unsteadily, rocking backwards and forwards several times. There was an expectant silence in the room. For several seconds Henry Tudor tried to annunciate, but no words came out of his mouth. He then turned slowly to one side, vomiting violently as he did so. This seemed to bring him back to his senses. Demonstrating remarkable powers of recovery, and to roars of approval from the gathered Id, he then seized the horrified Queen by her medallion forcing her backwards over the table. Adjusting his grip slightly, he then lifted the royal robes exposing a King sized member, which was soon buried deep inside the Silicon Queen. The Id watched in merriment as the Queen’s enormous breasts swayed in time with the King’s pelvic thrusts, moving in one solid mass.
This was the moment the Id had been waiting for and all hell broke loose in the room. The irrepressible Dennis the Menace climbed up onto the table, jumping to reach the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. He swung there for about 30 seconds, shouting “Tally Ho”, whilst exposing both his tackle and hairy backside to anyone who cared to look up. Eventually, the chandelier parted company from the ceiling and Dennis was deposited back down onto the table with a loud thud in a cloud of broken plaster and dust. Two of trestle tables then collapsed under Dennis’s weight, dumping him onto the floor. John wondered ruefully whether his wad of 1,000 Baht notes would be sufficient to cover off all the damage likely to be caused during the night’s edifications.
Some of the terrified girls had dived under the trestle tables that remained standing for protection. Eager hands soon hauled them out! Anticipation of the main event, coupled with the effect of the Viagra and cocaine had made the Ids’ insatiable. Girls were being enthusiastically rogered wherever you cared look. In the bedrooms, under tables, in the corridors, on top of tables, in the swimming pool, over the bar – everywhere! The Filipina band made the mistake of failing to execute a timely escape, so their two female singers received a sound rogering too. John’s wad of 1,000 Baht notes was further diminished after the hotel owner had been called. The orgy continued for some five hours before the girls were finally allowed to leave. Even then Dennis the Menace was still on the prowl looking for more action!
As John left the hotel he patted his jacket pocket purposely. Inside his pocket were the DVD’s that the hotel owner had given him earlier as a record of their visit. John had helped place the concealed cameras, so he knew the DVD’s would contain more than enough incriminating evidence to secure his retirement – both as Club Secretary and also from his job in the Bank. For a brief moment John felt a pang of guilt, which he quickly dismissed. After all he was an Id!
And the Id goes marching on!
Now that is just plain weird!