Not Esquire’s Guide to Mongering Etiquette

There has been more than ample debate over the social stigma of foreigners mongering in Thailand. Being an old resident hand of the mongering scene here, I offer my humble opinion and advice for those who might wish to keep some dignity while
whoring about. I must admit that I have seen the scene deteriorate somewhat in the last 20 years. And the scene I mean is foreigners' public behaviour while doing their dirty business. I'm sorry, but a lot of you guys do look and act
like low class losers the way you carry on looking like a walking advertisement for low class losers. If the shoe fits…

The rest of us more conscientious mongers do rightly take offence at being tarred and feathered along with those of our ilk who are giving us a bad rap (or less deserved bad rap).

There would be less resentment and name calling from the locals if those of our ilk did not parade their conquests in public so blatantly and without any semblance of gentlemanly decorum. How often do you see Thais, Japanese, or other Asians – who are
much bigger players in the local mongering scene – publicly flaunt their whoresome activities the way 'Falang' do? They whore it up much more than we do, but 'keep it on the low', as the youngsters say…or said. They dress
better as well. They go to out of the way venues. So don't act all indignant, and "who, me-ish?" when you get a shellacking for loutish perverted uncouthness.

Right, then. In a nutsack shell: Keep it out of their faces. Don't rub it in. Don't act like it is, or should be socially acceptable (here or anywhere) to escort an overtly skanky or even a semi-skanky-looking hooker around in 'normal'
society while you're dressed in T-shirt or tank top, drunk and loud (or not), with her in 4-inch heels, short skirt, and festooned with tattoos of devils, butterflies, or whatnot. I don't care if you're on holiday. What would you
say if the Asians were bringing obvious lower class local western hookers around your neighborhood or into your pub or favorite restaurant and acting like they were big men on campus? Ok, then.

Try to buck up and act with a bit of civility while you're partaking, for fcuk's sake. No need to go all Richard Gere on us…we won't try to pretend we're in that class. But, here are a few tips for the would be gentleman mongerer
that I have practiced with some success.

• If you're bar fining a gal and she's dressed like a cheap hooker, don't take her to a place unfitting her / your kind. Stick to places where there are other "mixed" couples if you can, or at least avoid hi-so or family
  places. Mongering birds of a feather, perhaps, should flock together.
• Or just go to the (whore-friendly) hotel and get her out of those trampy clothes…
• My date, whom I've known for some time and is an ex-bar girl, was getting dressed for for dinner last night. We were going to Fuji at The Mall Ramkamhaeng, as it is not so crowded – a regular, normal-so place to go where I don't feel
  self-conscious with her. (She's 23, I'm 52). She was putting on her polo shirt with Popeye on it and I said "No cartoons when going out with an old Falang, please". She laughed and changed… Then she put on her skin tight
  stretchy jeans and I said, "Er, how 'bout the regular black pants" (the ones I bought, also tight, but just so and nicer fabric). She smiled and complied. I felt better, she looked better, and people were less likely to stare
  quite so much, or openly snigger.
• If you're regularly seeing a pro, ex-pro, or any gal with challenged clothing taste / budget, ask her to dress more conservatively when you go out together. Not like a school teacher, of course, but somewhere between normal hot chick and
  cheap hooker. If she does not have the clothes, buy her some… (Much of what they wear – their normal clothes – cost about 100-200 baht and often look it)
• Tell her to lighten up on the make up. Don't wear full combat / bar makeup. There is a difference. My gal likes to not wear any, which makes her look even younger, so I ask her to wear a little…Now, she looks nicer all around, and she actually
  enjoys it.
• As for yourself, old guys wearing goofy holiday tee shirts and jeans or shorts meant for 20-something guys may just look silly. Anywhere. Your date will like it better if you're semi-neat and clean and you just might get better service later…You
  don't have to dress up, just don't dress down.
• Do not converse loudly in pigeon English: "Me take you hotel now for boom-boom long time." Her, or you, for fcuk sake. Hopefully, neither of you are deaf…Motion to the door and hold your index finger and thumb in a circle and push
  your other index finger in the hole…That should do the trick more silently.

I know that a bigger, older guy like me – 93 kg, greying hair, a bit of a stomach, 183cm and a 42 kg, 150 cm, 23 year old cutie are going to look mis-matched no matter what we do. But I try to avoid adding a 'circus' element to the mix when
at all possible. I don't care to hear guffaws during the appetiser. Perhaps after desert as we walk out – then my dinner is not ruined before I'm finished.

If I at least try to act civil while mongering in public, I really don't worry what people think, and we both have a better time out together if we don't look like more of a spectacle than we already are. I know people are going to gawk, but
at least, what they see will not look too offensive or give all Farangdom a bad name…And I don't take offense if a 23 year old gal calls me a loser, because another 23 year old girl is banging me like there is no tomorrow – with a modicum
of proper social comportment, that is, and either pretending to like it or really liking it. I don't really want to know.