I Am A Loser
To all Stickmanites,
Right here, and right now, I want to admit to everyone that I am a loser.
Ethically, practically, financially, intellectually, morally, sexually, physically, and emotionally. I have no talent for anything. I wasn't very good in school, I'm not adept at any sports, I can't play any musical instruments, and I'm a little overweight. I have a big acne problem, I'm bald, and if it weren't for my 2nd cousin who's a dentist, I'd be toothless. I have so few friends my enemies invite me over to their house for dinner. I've been broke so many times, I couldn't afford free food. I've lived in tents, in Chevy's, in homeless shelters, and my parents' garage until I was 35. I've been incarcerated, incapacitated, and investigated. I've been married 3 times, had 3 divorces, 3 kids, 3 dogs and 3 gold fish. All my ex-wives hate me, my kids don't know I exist, two of my dogs are dead, and the third one just pees on me when I see him, and my gold fish ate so much better than I did they committed suicide. I'll bet my bottom dollar that I'm the kind of loser that our 23 year old half Chinese dreamboat describes in her submission. Yep, I'm sure she must be talking about me.
So, you may ask yourself, what the hell does this have to do with farangs in Thailand? And is this Chinese princess spot on when she describes guys like me. I don't know about the rest of you guys on Stickman's site, but none of you guys could possibly fill my loser shoes. I'm a size 14 triple E.
I guess I'm going to have to come clean. You know all those 3 wives I told you about. Yep, you guess it. They were all bar girls. My first girl, Nit, picked me up in Pattaya on Walking Street. I was blowing my nose, just having engulfed some Pad Thai with 10 stars. Volcanic ash was dripping out of my nostrils, and Nit came over to me, and gave me an extra napkin. Up until that time in my life, that was the kindest act another human being bestowed upon me. It was so beautiful I almost cried. Of course it could have been the hot sauce, but I cried nonetheless.
At that time, I was so naive, that I bar fined her, and she didn't even work in a bar. We went back to my hotel room, which was so small, I didn't even have elbow room, and if you could not guess already, the sex was pretty bad. Not on her part, of course, but I couldn't get it up, she couldn't get it up, and after I popped 3 Viagras, I threw up in the toilet. It was after that, and her giving me a 2nd napkin that I fell madly in love. We bounced around town for a couple weeks, seeing all the sights, not to mention all the sex shows in the gogo bars, and one night after trying again unsuccessfully to have sex, I asked her to marry me. She looked at me with those beautiful Thai eyes, and uttered the most beautiful words I'd ever heard. She said "Is that long time?" I said "Yes darling. Forever is a long time."
She probably didn't understand me, as she only knew 3 sentences in English. "Where is your hotel?" "How much you pay me?" "You cheat me, I kill you." The little darling just dazzled the hell out of me. In the 3rd month of our marriage I finally got it up, and the very next day I never saw her again. Her friends came over to our hotel and told me that if I didn't sign the divorce papers, they would push me out of my 15th floor window. So I signed, and that was the last I ever heard from Nit.
After that, I was careful no to fall for another bar girl.
That is until I met, Nat. I met Nat in Playschool in Nana Plaza. She was dancing on one of those chrome poles, in a white bikini with fake diamond studs in her navel. And what caught my eye, other than the other 20 girls dancing in white bikinis with fake diamond studs in their navels, was that she was crying. The girl to her left was sticking her tongue out so far, I thought she'd catch a fly passing by. The girl to her right was attempting to give her own arm a blow job, so needless to say, it wasn't easy to focus on Nat. But as fate would have it, and since I'm a sucker for a girl who's down on her luck, I smiled at her, and asked the mamasan if I could buy her a drink. 12 drinks later, that she ordered, and a completely drenched sleeve from all of her tears, I barfined her, and we left. Back at my hotel she passed out on the bed before I was unsuccessful with sex, and in a sick way, that made me feel more like a man. Sometime in the morning, oh I'm sorry, in the late afternoon, my little Nat woke up. She was famished, so I took her to the restaurant on the corner, and she ordered 13 small Thai dishes, and only ate one teaspoon from each plate, leaving so much food, it could feed Unicef for a month. Her English was superb, with a little northern British accent, but she explained to me that even though she only worked in the bar for two months, the entire Manchester United football team barfined her for two weeks and took her with them on their Asian tour. She explained that they paid her about 1000 baht a pop, and even though she came home with 500,000 baht, she was not rich because she bought her father a red truck, 3 buffalos, and two dozens chickens. What little she had left, she spent on a cell phone that was so powerful she said, she could call her friends on the far side of planet Neptune. Nat for me was just so different than any other girl I had ever met. She told me how much she loved sex. Not like Nit.
So what if she loved it with women. I didn't care. And one night, after she asked me if I'd like to watch, I was so moved, I did what I said I'd never do, and asked her to marry her. She said yes, but on one condition, that I buy her mother 6 goats, and a washer/dryer. When I looked at my checking account, I barely had enough for a mule and an iron, but Nat was OK with that, so we married a week later. Our marriage went very well. I can't tell you how many times I watched my wife with other women. Big women, small women, women with long hair, short hair, green hair, permed hair, and even one with a wig. Boy, did she have an appetite. And for me, it was better than cable. And it was free. I thought that I died and went to heaven. Until Nat left me for a girl so gorgeous that her beauty left me speechless. It wasn't until after the divorce that I found out she was a ladyboy, but hey, that's life. As long as my wife was happy, who was a loser like me to question true love.
By now, you're probably asking yourself, why would this poor schmuck ever be so stupid to marry a 3rd bargirl. And quite frankly I asked my loser self the same question. About a year later, I don't know why, I found myself sitting in the Tilac Bar in Soi Cowboy. I hadn't been to many bars in the past year, but I was kind of feeling sorry for myself, and decided it might be a good idea to see if I could find other losers like myself, who by comparison might make me feel better. And just like our 23 year old half Chinese dreamboat explains, there are a lot of losers in gogo bars in Bangkok. The problem I've always had, is that when I'm in a gogo bar, I have trouble seeing all the losers, because I can't take my eyes off of all the winners, who are the beautiful girls. And that's sad because unless I see guys who are bigger losers than myself, I can't feel better. The result was that I felt lousy, but I still managed to barfine a real cutie.
This time, her name was Nut. And unfortunately for me, she was nuts. Of course to a loser like myself, that's all relative. And in a way, I enjoyed my two and a half week marriage with her, until one morning when I told her I didn't have enough money to give her to have her nails done, she offered to give me a shave.
I eventually got out of the hospital with only 36 stitches, and my doctor who had a medical degree from the University of Southern Baptist Kentucky, and who also studied to be a marriage councilor and fortune teller, told me I could get the marriage annulled by a monk. So even though I couldn't talk, I had a tuk tuk driver friend of mine who spoke in perfect Thai sign language accompany me to the nearest temple to draw up the proper papers.
And my fellow Stickmanites, you may ask me, "Hey, which wife did you have your 3 children with?" I forgot to tell you, they were adopted.
So yes, Miss Chinese Perfecto, I am a loser. Yes, I hang out in bars. Yes, I married bar girls. Yes, I'm fat and ugly, and old, and penniless, and dull, and talentless, and have no friends in the world.
But did I forget to tell you how happy I am?
Nice one! I enjoyed this break from reality!