Retired And With Problem In Bangkok
Sweat was pouring off me as I woke up. Where was I? Thank goodness it was my own bed in Bangkok and not on the stage of Tilac in Cowboy. It was ok. It was just a dream. The same dream theme now for about 2 months only this one was worse. There I was after being dragged up on stage in front of the entire audience of Tilac bar to perform with no 38, the hottest one in the line up. She worked on me for about three minutes but it would not work. I looked down and saw the faces in the crowd of Stick, Korski, Dana, Rahiri, Anonymous and other friends all yelling encouragement or derogatory comments. Christ you little bugger, just remember all the places I have taken you and put you in with and now when I need a big effort, you cannot even rise to the occasion.
I get out of bed as I need to wash my face and make a cup of tea to calm me down. It was just a dream after all. Wasn’t it? Yes but the problems and slow times have been going on for about 12 months now. The truth is I am not the man I once was. Here I am turning in to the type of old man I used to make jokes about 20 years ago. Fancy that! After dreaming about it and going without creature comforts for it and saving up for years to retire to Thailand to live in Bangkok and visit Pattaya for long week ends every month and then I find the main reason for doing this is now malfunctioning. It is quite a downer. I decide there is only one real course of action to take. I will have to go to the Doctor after all. For months now I have put this off. I have been visiting the amateur medico’s in Nana, Cowboy, Patpong, Walking Street etc but their treatments are not fixing the problem. At least it has saved me some money. I do not pay for long time anymore as there is no need. The little man will not co-operate a second time and also seems to want to take a long rest in the mornings.
It does cost me more money through when I go to pee in the bars. By the time I finish, the katoey who is massaging my neck and shoulders has done a good long job and I am obliged to tip as they are tired out and because I now have to go pee about every thirty minutes this part has become expensive.
After making appointment at big hospital, I go in to see Dr Somchai Alphabetplusmoreletters. He is a small grandfatherly type and makes me feel comfortable and confident. He asks me the problem. However in good Thai style, Nurse Hoi is standing there listening. She looks about 22, would weigh around 46 kgs, is very curvy in that tight fitting white uniform and would be about an 8.3 on the Nana Richter scale. Am I am supposed to sit there and confess all in front of her? Why if she came to Nana in that nurses uniform she could earn much more money there than in a hospital as I would have taken her out every night. I look at her and then look at the Doctor. He nods and says something to her, and she goes out the door. Why can’t they have heifers for nurses in Thailand like they do in Australia when you go to the Urology section?
I sit and start to confess all. He asks questions. He asked me about my sex life. When did I start to have sex? I told him it was when I was 13 and I said that lasted until I was around 18 and then I started to do it with another person. He looked at me and said, ‘so you are American?’ I lied and said ‘no, I am an Enzedder’ (I mean an Australian could not admit to this could they?) He just smiled and gave me a knowing look. He asked me how I was doing at peeing and I told him it was now a big event in my life. I normally only got about 60 seconds warning and so I had to rush. I also now had to stand no more than 1 cm from the edge of the urinal or else I would splash it all over my shoes. It was also a long time event.
He says that it seems I have the classic prostate problem. He says we all get it as we get older and that he has it. I just look at him. Hell, I am not old. I am only 59. I just retired after working my balls off to save up enough to live in Thailand and relive the life style and sex that you have in your 20’s and 30’s and the life style and sex I did not have at that age in Australia. I wanted women and then more women. I wanted to start with women in their 20’s and then go on to the ones in their 30’s to make up for what I did not get then. (Why didn’t I get it then: well you have probably guessed it, I got married instead)?
He says I need to have the dreaded prostate check. The finger up the nether regions. I start to get nervous again. He must have pushed a button under the desk because Nurse 8.3 Hoi comes in and tells me to take my trousers and underpants off. Normally if a young woman told me that I would be ecstatic. Not today. She pulls a screen around us and stands there. Can you believe it? Now the little man starts to work again. What a bloody good time to start this type of action and she is standing there watching me. I ask her to go outside the screen. She smiles and says she has seen hundreds of those so don’t be shy. I am bloody shy. She goes outside and I get changed and pull the towel around me.
Dr Somchai comes in with Nurse 8.3 and starts to pull rubber gloves on. I start to remember the jokes my father used to always say. If a Doctor is going to examine you in this way, look to make sure he has his belt still done up and his fly is fully zipped. I look down there at that region of Dr Somchai. Both he and nurse 8.3 look back at me in puzzlement. They look at each other and seem to shrug their shoulders and half smile and half laugh at each other. Probably think this is some old ritual of farangs. Another reason I decided to do this in Thailand rather than go back to Australia is that I figure that Thai Doctors are smaller in build; therefore they will have smaller fingers. The guy tricked me. He used two fingers. He finishes and smiles and tells me to get dressed. I start to do this and just get my undies on when nurse 8.3 comes in. I now have the feeling that she maybe likes to see farang in this state. I suck my stomach gut in and stand up straight and tall in my underpants. But the little man does not co-operate this time. He is small and shriveled up. He probably just got the fright of his life.
After I got back seated at his desk, the Doctor looks at me with a smile and says ‘It feels soft so I don’t think you have the Big C but feels big. We will take you over to the X-ray department and give you ultrasound so we can measure the size’. I thought ok, this cannot be too bad as lots of pregnant women have this done everyday. They run the camera type head over the stomach and see the pretty pictures.
Nurse 8.3 takes me across to X –ray department and walks in front. She has that lovely walk with the hips swaying and the buttocks seeming to contract and expand with each step. I think about asking her for her mobile number for when I am out of here and all fixed up. We get to X-ray and she tells the nurse in Thai that we are here and then turns to me and gives me a big smile and says ’I hope you enjoy your time here. We will see you again in about 30 minutes’. She smiles again and walks off. She seemed very happy about all this. I thought that she must really fancy me.
This time nurse 7.1 in the Nana scale comes and gets me and takes me to small cubicle and tells me to completely undress and put this scrimpy little operating gown on. She leaves me to get on with it. The gown would fit and cover an 18 year old Thai woman. I am not 18 years old anymore and I am a farang. I sit there. She comes back in with Mamasan behind her. Actually it is a matron but I was getting a bit mixed up by this time. The matron tells me to lie down on the trolley bed and then speaks again in Thai and Nurse 7.1 walks over, whips up the front of the gown and starts to rub oil on me. No not down there on the little troublemaker but on the lower stomach region. In another place and a different environment I would have enjoyed that small warm hand rubbing oil on me but not today.
I lay there and they put the camera head all over the stomach and I hear lots if ah’s and oh’s and being Thailand, lots of orrrrr’s and oih’s. I just felt something wasn’t right. They pick the phone up, talk for 20 seconds and tell me that the Doctor is coming down. He arrives about one minute later, looks at the screen and points his pen. He turns to me and says ‘you are too fat, stomach too big cannot see properly. We have to look from other end. Please roll over onto side’. As quick as a flash Nurse 7.1 puts her oily hand on the backside region and applies oil. Matron then proceeds to push metallic camera head up the place where no man has ever been before today. Dear Reader, if like me you are a long time practicing heterosexual then you may want to miss the next two lines. It bloody hurt and was very uncomfortable. I did not like it. From now on if I ever have a little Ning or little Pon say to me, ‘too big, hurt too much’ they will have my sympathy. Now I will certainly be able to emphasize with them.
They all go out and I get changed back into my clothes and sit there. Nurse 8.3 from Urology section comes and gets me to take me back to Doctors room. With the big smile she looks at me and says ‘did you enjoy that’. I think better about telling her she should get part time job in fetish bar in Patpong 2 wearing that nurse’s uniform.
The Doctor goes through all the tests and what we can do. I don’t want to be taking medicine for rest of my life so tell him I want to have TURPS and as quickly as possible. We arrange it for the next day. I do not want time to think about this and have other expat experts tell me what is going to happen and just as important what may not happen after it. Have you ever noticed how a lot of retirees in Thailand love to dwell and talk about the negatives in life and especially about Thailand? It must be something in the water in Pattaya and Bangers.
As I lay there in embarrassment on the operating table with the female anesthetist who looks about 19 and the two nursing assistants who both look 17 looking on at me in all my glory whilst my feet are put up in the stirrups, I start to wonder if it is worth all this to try to continue operating in Thailand the way I dreamed of for many years. I think of my ex who probably now gets her dildo out once every three months to enjoy herself. That is if she can remember where the magic spot was or find it in the layers of flesh. I wonder if it also gets yelled at for not knowing how to please her as l did. I quickly decide that it is worth the pain and embarrassment. However when I am back in my room with 2 feet of tubing up my “little man’s eye” and into the bladder with catheter bag hanging down I start to rethink this thought. It is not my most magical moment of life in Thailand.
The next morning nurse 3.4 on the Nana scale comes in. She is obviously trying to grow bigger so she can be a heifer nurse in Australia. She says to me ‘go bathroom we shower’. She comes into the bathroom and puts me on chair and starts to wash me all over. I mean all over. As much as I try to imagine her as Nurse 8.3 it did not work. I must say it was not a pleasant experience although in her defense I guess that washing a man's dick that has 2 feet of rubber hose up it and a catheter bag hanging down is probably not high on her list of romantic settings either.
Next morning I get another nurse in for morning clean up. She is up around the 7.9 on the Nana scale. I am waiting and starting to fantasize for the shower with her. When she says, ‘go bathroom and wash yourself’ I look at her and ask ‘are you going to wash me’? She says ’no, you old man you know how to wash yourself’. The way that some Thai ladies have of using the word ‘old” puzzles me. As soon as I get home I must get out the Thai – English dictionary and see what the word “old” means in Thai. I am thinking it probably translates as “spunk, macho, sexy or something along those lines”.
After 5 days I finally get home and have to recuperate for 4 weeks. I decide to go on the wagon for this time, thinking that this will help the recovery. After a few days I start to think that this was maybe a mistake. Dear Reader, have you ever sat in Nana or Cowboy with a bunch of your old fart friends whilst they imbibe and you drink soda water or coke. I cannot believe how stupid they get as they drink more and around 10.00 pm they were just saying crazy things, talking about getting this girl or that woman and boasting of past exploits. They were talking about threesomes, hanging from the chandeliers, whips and shackles, going bareback etc. It was quite boring sometimes and often I was glad to leave them to go have a quiet meal and get home to check my internet mail.
After my four weeks was up and I had the clean bill of heath from the Doctor I was looking forward to a big night out. Unfortunately Nurse 8.3 was not working with Doctor Somchai the last day I left so I could not ask for her phone number. The doctor said I could start activities between the sheets again at anytime so I started to think how to go about this. I decided to get take away/take in as this way it would be in my apartment and I would feel comfortable. But first of all I paid a visit to Yaowarat (Bangkok Chinatown) for the clothes to be worn the first night. The next night I rang and ordered the desired item from the menu and waited till the door bell rang. I opened up and there she was. She was about a 6.4 on the Nana scale but probably would have been about a 7.8 twenty years before. She came in and I told her what I wanted and how I would pay extra. She readily agreed. When she came out of the bathroom after changing and wearing the nurse’s uniform all I could see was nurse 8.3. I explained to her that I had just had man’s operation and so she had to be careful. She said she understood as old man often had this. (Again I reminded myself that I should look up the Thai translation word for old.) We went into the bedroom and we started.
Dear Reader I cannot give you a detailed description of the encounter as this being in a family type magazine except to say that when she left next morning (yes that is correct, next morning after staying all night) and after cooking me a good English style breakfast whilst wearing the uniform, I paid her double and she was worth every baht of it.
Next day I rang some pals and we arranged happy hour together at the Huntsman pub, just around the corner from Nana and only 10 minutes walk from Cowboy. I thought it was appropriate to be there close to the workplaces as I was getting closer to being back full time “to work”. But now the difficulty started. I explained to my pals what I wanted to do and so we had to make decision. I know the readers overseas think that we retired expats living in Bangkok have an easy life, but we don’t. We also are under pressure and have to make decisions. As you sit there reading this in Boise, Idaho or Omaha, Nebraska or Auckland, New Zealand or in Liverpool, England (living there you would also understand the part about having sex alone very well) and think you get pressure from the boss or supervisor in your workplace, well my friends were putting real time pressure on me. They wanted me to make quick decision. Should we get girls from Nana or from Cowboy or do we go for the upstairs girls from Patpong? Maybe we should drive to Walking Street in Pattaya and go to Angelwitch or Spanky's or do we get freelancers from Beach road? Of course we could just stay in Bangkok and go to a massage parlor or all get together for a big spa party in Ratchadapisek Road. Dear Reader can you imagine the pressure I felt in having to make this decision; and you think that your job is difficult? In the end I decided that we would go to Pattaya for me to enjoy it again after the enforced absence. I will not bore you with these details of the trip as it was just a wild weekend of drink and debauchery and Vitamin V. When I got back to Bangkok I was thinking that I should ring up Dr Somchai and thank him very much. When I get up in the mornings now and look in the mirror I usually look down at the little guy and smile. I have told him that I need him to work another 20 years before he can retire as for the first 20 years of my life he really did nothing so this seems a fair trade for me.