Readers' Submissions

Frying to Fuket

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 16th, 2010
  • 4 min read


Attention prease, Nok Air flight 51 to Phuket is delayed; the new departure time is 2 PM. Solly for the inconvenience.

Streuth Dave, we've got to sit around here for two more fucking hours ..

Take it easy mate, there's plenty of Singha to suck on while we wait..

Too right and I'm stocking up right now. (Saunters off to get some tinnies)


Attention prease, Nok Air flight 51 to Phuket is ready for boarding.

About bloody time too, it's half past two and we should have been in Fuket already, lounging by the pool.

She's apples Dave, Fuket'll still be there unless a tsunami wiped it out..heh heh..

That's not funny Bazza, I reckon you're under the weather from all that Singha..

You should talk, just make sure they let you on the flight with all that spittle on your lips.. Heh heh.

(They struggle to get into line and manage to make it on board)

We rcome aboard Sir; light down the aisle prease..(pointing to the rear of the aircraft)

Rightio love, there's no flies on me.. Heh heh.

Get movin' Bazza, you're holding up the bus! (trips on Baz za's heel)

(Aircraft finally taxing down the runway)

Good Aftelnoon Radies and Gentlemen, wercome aboard Flight 51 on behalf of Captain Pornchai and fright attendants Tittiporn, Pornthip and Supiporn. Have a present fright.

Hahaha, did you hear that Dave, they’re trying to scare the bejesus out of everyone. Not only that, they’ve got this plane run by the Porn family, fair dinkum I reckon they’ll be handing out dildos and vibrators any minute now.. Heh heh!

Oye there Tittilove (finger in the air), how about chuckin’ a few tinnies our way..

Excuse me Sir, did you need something, ka?

Yea love, a half a dozen Singha Gold wouldn’t go astray..

Solly Sir, I can only selve you one at a time. Regulations, you know, ka. (angelic smile)

That’s all right lovey, we’re just trying to save you a few trips down the aisle.. If you know what I mean. (wink and nudge)

Here you are Sir, 2 Singha Golds, one for you each, 300 baht prease.

Streuth, I thought grog was free on airlines. What gives?

Sir, this is Nok Air, a budget airline; food and beveledges are not part of your fale, ka.

Sorry love, we don’t have any of that monopoly money yet, how much in real money?

10 dollars prease, ka.

What? Fair go Tittie!! That’s highway robbery!

Sir, I think you had too much to dlink already, we’re not on the highway, we’re up in the ail, ka.

Hey, where ya going with our tinnies?? Bitch!

(The two of them belch in unison and Bazza lets out a laud fart to let everyone know they’re the thunder from down under)

Radies and Gentlemen, we’re commencing our decent to tropical Phuket, pearl of the South.

Prease fasten your seatbelt and prace your seats uplight.

Hey Bazza, wake up.. we’re nearly there.

What, what …where am I? Mate, I’ve had the strangest dream; I was in a pub and needed a piss so badly I wet my dungarees..

Streuth Bazza, you’re sitting in a fucking puddle right now.. You weren’t bloody dreaming it!

Holy shit Dave, help me out here. How am I gonna leave the aircraft without everyone staring at me?

Hang on mate…Oye Tittilove dear..! (shouts at the top of his lungs) My mate needs you, he spilled a bottle of water in his lap and needs to go to the dunny to clean up a bit.

Solly Sir, we’ve already commenced our decent and you must remain in your seats until randing, ka.

There you go Bazza, everyone heard me now ..they’ll know it’s water instead of your stinking urine.

Thanks Dave, you’re a real pal. I owe you one. I’ll shout you a body massage when we get to the Pussycat Resort.

No worries mate, what are best friends for?

(aircraft makes landing with a couple of hard bumps and some overhead lockers pop open)

Phew, that didn’t help the shock absorbers much! Reminded me of you in the demolition derby at Eastern Creek. Good old days, hey Bazza?

Yep and I can hardly wait to rent one of them jeeps from Somchai on Marine Parade. Trash it around a bit, won’t we Dave?

You bet mate but not before we get a couple sheilas from that go go joint down beach road and put them in the backseat for ‘Ron.

Prease everyone stay in your seats until the ailclaft came to a comprete stop, ka!

Streuth mate, I don’t think I could stand listening to this Sheila much longer murdering Lizzie’s English!

Neither could I, but they have no idea of strine either. What a backward country, hey?

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

So that's what Aussies on holiday are like, eh?!