The Bangkok Bar Girl Spotter’s Guide

Reading the ongoing morality debate has made me think, made me pause for a while and consider, but has not affected my opinions. Nor, I suspect, will it change the views either of those who participate or those who read the pieces. What changes my views, and I’m sure I’m not the only one to be so affected, is talking with (and, let’s be honest, fucking) some of the girls on what we decorously, and accurately, term “The Game”. Views change with experience, and to help those less experienced, I give you 10 of the best from the Bangkok Bar Girl Spotter’s Guide. (Please email me or write a reply with those I missed!) For those with moral inclinations I’ve included not just points based on rarity, but also “purity points” so even the ethically incoherent knows whether to congratulate himself or beat himself up at the end of his stay.

1: “You holiday here?”

The benchmark type invariably encountered by the slightly dazed holidaymaker, not knowing any better, walking into the first go-go bar he sees and can’t take his eyes from the soft brown curves in front of him. Wake up Jack: she’s a few pounds overweight, 10 years older than she says, and the enthusiastically applied make up can’t disguise the incipient crows’ feet and bags under the shrewdly narrowed eyes. She explains how things work, overcharges you, introduces her friends so you can buy them drinks, orders enough room service for 5 people, and leaves early, despite promising long time. But she fucks better than the wife, doesn’t actually rob you, and was that a hint of warmth in her gaze? A lingering touch showing feelings she thought long gone? Could this be the mythical Girl Friend Experience? No. It’s not, and you’ll never find it. But now you’re drawn in.

Points: 1. Chuck a brick.

Purity Points: +5. She knows what she’s doing. You don’t. She’s doing just fine, don’t you worry.

2: “Goodbye… ummm… my darling”

Ships in the night, but don’t delude yourself, you’re the dirty British coaster to her quinquireme of Nineveh. Could be a short time in the back of a bar, a freelancer on the way back to the hotel, or a long time, short memory, experience. Was she fat? Thin? From Isaan? From Bangkok? You’ve forgotten by the time the door closes.

Points: 1

Purity Points: 0 Does she think of you? With pleasure or pain? Did you pay her too much? Too little? You just can’t remember – no anecdote to sooth your troubled conscience here.

3: “I off light?”

The inadvertent pre-op ladyboy – yes, it happens to us all sooner or later, and you’re no exception. If you can’t remember it happening to you, think back – was last night’s a little eager to keep you hands in certain places? Those well formed breasts a little too perfect? Did she perform only in the reverse cowboy position that keeps you from looking too closely at just which hole you’re in? Don’t dig through those memories too closely – you might not like the results.

Points: 5 They’re easier to spot than you first think. Don’t look for the tell-tale bulge (taped down), or the Adam’s apple (surgically removed) but for the attitude. No amount of times under the doctors knife can take away the confidence instilled in a male child born in a patriarchal society.

Purity Points: +10. You lost. If you have any sense, you’ll move on from your moral high ground and never mention it again.

4: “Who’re you? What did you do with Nat?”

In the bar, she looks hot, drinking, she’s fun and happy. In the sack, she’s enthusiastic and loving. In the morning, she’s older than your mother, god rest her soul. And fat. You hustle her out with twice the agreed fee to keep her quiet. You change hotels to avoid the sniggering receptionists. You spend the rest of you holiday on the other side of town.

Points: 1. Depressingly common.

Purity Points: -10. Well, you weren’t exactly considerate of her feelings in the morning, were you? What do you think it does to her self esteem?

5: “I stay with you in day too?”

On an 18-30s holiday, but you’re paying. She’s far from gorgeous, a bit on the plump side, maybe got a kid or two, been here for a couple of years, but every day guys buy her drinks, tell her how great she is, and she’s not averse to a good seeing to, either, much to your delight. Sure it’s not all smiles, but most of the time she’s living it large, partying with friends (who all work in the same bar), living in a beach resort, sleeping most of the day, having all drinks and a lot of meals paid for, with the chance of meeting a long time love thrown in. It won’t last forever, but she’s making the most of it.

Points: 15. A steadily dying breed.

Purity points: +30. Your best chance for a positive moral outcome. Enjoy the fun, and don’t get too serious.

6: “Here – 50 Baht for motorcycle because you take me home. Now I take you good restaurant.”

Calculating. Don’t mistake that thoughtful look for love. She’ll hold you tight in bed, but she know exactly how much consideration to show to make you think she’s different, and she’ll put that much in, no more. She’ll drop you in an instant if she thinks she has a better prospect. But she genuinely believes you to have long term potential, treat her right and commit to her, she’ll do the same. Just don’t skip on the monthly payments or you may find your heart has been repossessed.

Points: 20. Often confused with the more common type 7, below.

Purity points: +5. A positive sum outcome if you’re lucky, but you stand an incredibly high chance of screwing this up, leaving you heartsick and her on the road to becoming a type 7

7: “Boyfriend? No I have 2 boyfriend, one England, one Germany. I go with him get me visa first.”

Plotting. A type 6 after a bit too much heartache. The archetypal lying bitch. She’ll tell you whatever you want to hear, unless you convince her you’re not rich, in which case she’ll tell you the truth because she won’t care. Sex is boring, to you and her. You wonder why you’re paying her, and pity the other poor fools who do the same.

Points: 3. Common, but not the majority. Don’t get hung up on these girls, move on.

Purity Points: -5. You’re reinforcing her view of farang men. She’s reinforcing your view of Thai hookers.

8: “Him go, not take care my son”

Her Thai boyfriend’s a bastard. No, he really is. He promised he loved her, got her up the spout, and dumped her. Her family kicked her out. Now she begs him on the phone each night to come back before wiping away those tears with your 500 Baht note. But don’t think your money makes her feel better – she doesn’t like you, doesn’t like farang, doesn’t like sex, doesn’t want to be here. She’s only here because she can’t think of another way to make enough money to pay back the hospital bills.

Points: 10. Often overlooked because of her obvious unhappiness.

Purity Points: -10. You can try to be kind. It won’t help.

9: “Drive faster – I just want to fuck you and go to sleep.”

Been around the block a few too many times, but curiously, she’s not bitter from the experience – perhaps because her looks let her take her pick of guys most of the time. Instead she views the latest batch of tourists with the same weariness the school caretaker views this year’s intake, and they are lured in by her looks and excellent English, but disappointed by the inevitable starfish in bed.

Points: 5. Common in the more expensive venues.

Purity Point: 0. She’s managed to acquire the bored resilience that lets her shrug off an endless chain of punters. Don’t think that’s a good thing.

10: “This my sister. She start here last week.”

New to the industry, lured by the bright lights and shiny toys of her friends. She’s oh-so-sweet, her smile is genuine, two beers gets her drunk, and she can’t play connect four, but she brings enthusiasm, passion, and maybe even a little bit of love to the bed. Yes, she’s for real. You have the chance to help determine her future. If she likes you, and you’re considerate, you can give her a loving experience that will build her confidence and self esteem, and paste a smile on your face for days. You can see her grow strong enough to handle the industry, save sensibly and retire to her home village with a loving if rather stupid farang husband. Or you can treat her like shit, screw her ‘til she bleeds and throw her aside like a used toy. Then in 5 years’ time you can see her on the sidewalk giving 500 baht blow jobs in public to feed her yaa baa habit. Up to you.

Points: 20. Keep those eyes peeled.

Purity Points: 0. How will you play it?