Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 249
That's right Dana fans, Stickmanbangkok.com readers, social historians, Thailand archivists, and all the ships at sea; I have an announcement to make. Better sit down kats and kittens because this is going to rock your world and make your knees tremble. I am going to make the announcement and then you might need to take some nitroglycerin pills. Ready?
"I HAVE BOUGHT NANA PLAZA."
That's right–I have bought Nana Plaza, aka the Nana Entertainment Plaza, across from the Mothership on Soi 4 off Sukhumvit in Bangkok. Nana Plaza is now Dana Plaza. Oh what a difference a D can make. Anyway, myself and various unregistered, undocumented, unsmiling Indians have exchanged paperwork and money. I now own lock stock and barrel without lien loan or mortgage one of the most poorly managed filthy places on the planet Earth. Ask yourself this question: how many other Earthlings can say something like that? My life is all about Dare to Dream. Makes you proud to know me, doesn't it?
Does this portend a larger future? Of course it does. You knew that. The big wheels are turning, birds are screeching, dogs are barking, lightning is forking, and the train of change is leaving the station. Nana Plaza will become Dana Plaza, Soi Nana will become Soi Dana, and the Nana Hotel will become the Dana Hotel. Staying at the Mothership on your next trip to the Kingdom? Just ask for the Dana suite at the Dana Hotel on Soi Dana across from the Dana Plaza. But today I just want to talk about the Dana Plaza.
Changes? You bet there are going to be some changes. First off, during the rainy season when business is slow the place is going to be shut down. All leases will be cancelled, or bought out; and everyone will be evicted. Naturally, I'll post the shutdown dates so that you can camp out in the Mothership parking lot across the soi to pick up human refuse, Issan angels, and yaa baa cranked nymphos looking for a sex fix. The new Dana Plaza organization will be all about mens' needs, humanitarian gestures, and sharing the love. Ok, you may have to fight me for some of those yaa baa cranked nymphos.
Anyway . . . changes? You bet. First off the whole place will be steam cleaned. If you like snakes, reptiles, rodents, and insects then you want to hang out at the entrance for the tsunami wave of little beating hearts trying to escape. The cats that used to hang out on the roof in front of the Angelwitch bar will be there also. Everything is a knife fight. Next? Gut job. That's right, the whole place will be gutted. No more lame ass elevator, no more stupid rocks in the Obsessions bar, no more little Thai managed bars on the second floor, no more outside bars, and the goddamn escalator is going to be broken up with sledge hammers. The hair salon, the short-time rooms, and the Buddhist shrine will stay. The old hamburger place with the pool tables will come back and there will a top floor on-site management office to field inquiries and complaints, monitor cleaning crews, and handle vendor, contractor, and rent payment issues. The on-site office will also handle issues of security, police, city permits, daily check-ups on all heating and ventilation and air-conditioning systems, electrical and neon sign requirements, fire alarms, new elevators and escalators, maintenance issues, sewer and water needs, etc. Small stuff. Give the Indians credit. They managed to collect rent without doing any of this stuff. A kind of curry breath genius. But a new day has dawned. It's now Dana Plaza, not Nana Plaza. No more dot heads, no more turban heads; and tailors are shot on sight.
Big stuff? You bet. We are going to be punching out walls like a big Aussie drunk knocking down Thais. No more little bars. All bars will be huge with continuous shows and live music. No more D.J.'s playing Hotel California or other crap music that the girls can not dance to. Pim and her German husband and Dave the Rave will be in charge of all shows in all bars. Boss Hogg will be brought back from America to handle cash, bank runs, and legal issues. Marc Holt will return from Oz to handle all mamasans.
All stairwells will be well lit and surgically clean, escalators will run to all floors, additional elevators will be installed, hand rails on all stairs, and the bathrooms in all bars will be twice as big and there will be twice as many of them. And the coup de grace? No trannies in the mens' rooms offering to massage your neck or hold your dick. Too many complaints. Dana Plaza will be all about service and responding to customer needs. On the other hand, if you have a tranny need just come to the office and ask for me. Dana's my name, service is my game. I can have Pattaya Emma shipped up overnight. Bring a scale to weigh her log.
Remember the motorbikes and the motorcycles that used to jam the front entrance? Forget about it. No more Thai males allowed. Problem solved. Discrimination will be one of the watchwords of the Dana Plaza organization. How else can you get things done? And the unprofitable, unfun open plaza ground floor bars that I tore out? The open plaza will be just that. An open plaza. No food, no bars, no drinks. Lots of trees and benches. A meet-and-greet pick-up place of dignity. Think Mothership parking lot of the Emporium variety.
Maybe it's just me but I don't see why picking up whores, and prostitutes, and skanks, and cruisers, and ex-cons, and drug addicts, and the randomly violent can't be dignified. I'm sure you agree.
Music in the open plaza? Thai music only. Man Motorgai, Namoiy Thammalangka, Surasak Donchai, Mike Piromporn, Siriporn Aumpiapong, Chawiwan Damnoen, Oh Oh Oh by the China Dolls, etc. You are in Thailand. You are being hypnotised by a Thai angel of such transporting charm and sex appeal and femininity that you can barely process the experience. An experience best augmented by Thai music. Anand Jaidee: Roop Khao Krapao Aei–another classic. Thinking of marrying a Thai and becoming an expat are you? Well, if you do not like this music then you are not going to make it. Thinking of taking Thai language classes are you? LIsten to Thai music first. If you do not like the music–do not sign up for the language classes. Listen to Uncle Dana–the music is the language. And do not ever tell your teeruk that you do not like Thai music. That will be the exact moment that your relationship/marriage is over. Try and imagine the feedback your girlfriend/wife will get from her friends (the other 200 numbers on her cell phone) when she tells them that her farang lover does not like Thai music. You might as well start packing your bags.
You want to invite me to dinner, or to lunch, or for a beer and then complain about Thai music? Save your breath. I love Thai music. Whenever I take a long bus trip I hold out a 500 baht note to the bus driver and pick up a handful of his CD's. Sometimes he takes the money. Never done this? Then stop bragging about yourself in the Kingdom. Get yourself down to the new Dana Plaza. You've got stuff to learn.
More? Jieb Benjoporn from the album Aei Joo-Sao, Ekachai Srivichai from the album Standard Lukthung, Sao Somparn, Sorn Sinchai: Sai Noong San from the album Mak Kon Eon–if they were playing this on my arrival at Bhumi I would cry like a baby. Back in the Kingdom and so so happy. Another song they should play as I am walking down the long hallway to Immigration is Sao Na Song Fan.
I was once in the stadium seating at the ground floor Rainbow bar. I was transfixed by a Thai dancer of such beauty and sex appeal and physical perfection that I could barely believe the experience was real. I waved to her and she gave me a 500 watt smile. Then someone put on a Thai song and her smile became a 10,000 watt smile. I learned the lesson. At Dana Plaza some of the music we play will be Thai music. Don't come to the new Dana Plaza unless you want to see 10,000 watt smiles. Additional to the open air plaza music all bars will be required to play Thai music as well as western music. Girls will be encouraged to bring music they want to dance to.
The girls? Dana Plaza is going to make some changes and you are going to be happy that we did make some changes. First of all, no fatties. If Germans, and Danes, and New Zealanders shout Rhino Alert or Elephant Attack or Whale Crossing when they see you coming there is no job for you at the Dana Plaza. Next? Stretch marks. Oh god, I have seen way way way way too many stretch marks and prolapsed (or something) stomachs. Look, let's get this out of the way right now. No person is more family values oriented than I am family values oriented. In fact in some countries when you look up the word 'family values' in the dictionary you see a picture of me. And nobody loves babies more than I love babies. But if your naked body looks like it was clawed by a lion there is no job for you at Dana Plaza. If I can put credit cards in the grooves on your sides and they do not fall out we are not going to be able to hire you. I don't care if you bring in proof that you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose or suck the chrome off a trailer hitch–Dana Plaza is all about standards. Trannies? No little dick trannies. If you're not swinging a club–hit the streets. Let me repeat so that there is no misunderstanding. The old days of peek-a-boo trannies are over. The only trannies we are going to hire are going to have logs you can lay on the table and stare at. We call them head slappers–as in (heel of hand slapping forehead): HOLY FXXXWAD LOOK AT THAT. And post-ops? No way.
And where will the angels be coming from? Well, first of all; the bus companies will add the Dana Plaza as a bus stop for all Essan–Bangkok runs. Additionally, we will set up recruiting offices in the Philippines, Cambodia, Laos, Malaysia, and Vietnam. You say you are a six foot tall green eyed blonde from Sweden? You ain't gettin' in to a Dana Plaza bar as a dancer. You are second rate and we do not allow second rate angels at Dana Plaza. My personal favorites are about 4'4"– 4'9" tall and giggle. I'm adaptable on the height issue, that's why there is such a range; but the giggle is a requirement. I am going to take a personal interest in this. Hopefully, they will be like locusts. And I guarantee that not one of these Essan wonders will have an opinion of her own. To her you will be an Earth striding colossus and "Up To You" will be all she has to say. Myself and Chiang Mai Kelly will do all 'new dancer' interviewing. Don't envy us. It's a tough damn job for Human Resource Department professionals only. But hey, we had those fxxxing assholes shot; like I said–myself and the Kellymeister are doing the interviewing.
How about the men? Get ready to clap. NO JAPS. That's right, Commander Nippon is not welcome. Some people call that discrimination. Damned straight. The classless chain smoking drunk 4-4-4's can hit the road. And here comes more discrimination. No French (FTF), Ufxxxistans, Koreans, Chinese, Indians, anybody wearing brown loafers and a shirt with an alligator on it, anybody trying to speak Thai, anybody who has ever taken a Thai cooking class, men with bangs, men with wallets in their front pockets, all IT professonals, men who want to talk about the 'culture' of Thailand, and soccer/rugby fans. Soccer/rugby fans? Dana Plaza bars are not sports bars. Get the hell out. We don't give a goddamned about sports and if we see sandals and white socks, singlets, tattoos, or bald heads with scars we are going to call the police. We don't like the way you dress, we don't like the way you act, your tattoos are boring, and . . . just get the hell out.
Mr. Union Hill will be in charge of going from bar to bar in the new Dana Plaza, ferreting these numbskulls out, and throwing them out. Due to a sporting enthusiast life pointed in exactly the wrong direction for many years he can spot these little jerks at a 1000 yards in a rainstorm. Standards. Ever notice that the words Dana Plaza and the word Standards each have the same number of letters? Exactly. Standards. Dana Plaza bars are about beautiful women and beautiful relationships between caring mature adults. Period. Anyway, Dana Plaza will be a whoremonger's delight that does not sacrifice dignity or let in the wrong sort of people. If you are a real man and a good guy you will love Dana Plaza. Pattaya Gary will make all final decisions regarding who we are going to serve and he can beat the crap out of anyone who disagrees with him. Discrimination in service to high standards.
On the subject of forward thinking changes: we are going to do something different at all the bars at the new Dana Plaza. You know how bars, especially on holidays, start to raise the barfines as the night goes on so that they will always have 'girls to run the business' –well, at the new Dana Plaza bars we are going to discount the barfines as the night goes on. The goal every day will be to be completely barfined out as early as possible. Then what? Then all of the waitresses will become available. Then what? Then we all go home. To our families. Ok, I don't actually have a family–I'm sleeping with someone's daughter, or someone's wife, or someone's girlfriend but that is not really the point. Try and stay focused.
Sound like your kind of place? Of course it does. Come on down once the rainy season is over and we have made all of the changes. Bring plenty of money, bring jai dee, and bring a smile. Look me up and I'll give you a tour. Oh, and one more thing. You know the ground floor open plaza with trees and benches? That's where we perform weddings. You and your ignorant thieving boring whore joined in holy matrimony. Gives you the chills doesn't it? Dana Plaza–where dreams come true.
Like I have been saying for a while now, Thailand is changing!