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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 247

  • Written by Dana
  • February 13th, 2010
  • 8 min read


There are mysteries. Examples:

1. Where does (did) the Universe's background radiation come from? The answer we are given is that it is left over heat from the Big Bang. But where did the Big Bang come from? If you do not believe the Big Bang theory then where does (did) the Universe's background radiation come from? A mystery.

2. Why (how) do stars and planets have almost perfect spheroidal (ok, oblate) bodies? Think how strangely perfect an almost perfect sphere is. How does that happen? Have a little sympathy for the Creationists. At least they have an answer. Scientists have no idea how all these universe tennis balls happened. Of course sometimes you have to get ten beers into them to get them to say this, but the result is the same. A mystery. Easy local examples are the moon and the sun and the Earth.

3. A more local example of mystery? Trees. There are trees that are 100' and 200' and 300' and 50' and 25' high. So how does water from the roots in contravention of the pull of gravity and internal arterial friction get to the top of the tree? High school text books have an answer–they call it capillary action (or something). Not one single scientist believes this nonsense–but they do not have a counter theory either and lying to students is apparently not a crime. No one has any idea how water from the ground gets to the leaves at the top of a tree. I've got an idea I've never heard. Centrifugal force. Want to be famous? Steal my idea. Anyway, a mystery.

But no mystery is as great as:


Are you serious minded? Smart? Interested in reading, but want to have some fun? Well, then you can't beat the nonsense you will read in the written-for-the-public genre of astronomy, or astronomy/physics when they are really laying it on.

Example: In the May 23rd issue of Science News there is an article by Ron Cowen entitled: Beyond Galileo's Universe. In this very short feature article in this serious minded publication (nonprofit corporation magazine of the society for science & the public) you will read the following:

1. " . . . despite thousands of papers written . . . "

2. " . . . possible existence of life . . . "

3. " . . . potential for life."

4. " . . . nobody knows for sure . . . "

5. "Theory predicts . . . "

6. " . . . may have been produced . . . "

7. "studies . . . could provide . . . "

8. "There's a very good chance . . . "

9. ", a gloomier mystery remains."

10. "On the brighter side,"

11. "The most likely source . . . "

12. " . . . give astronomers new insight . . . "

13. ", astronomers must straddle . . . "

14. ", seemingly the opposite of what . . . "

15. "Even more surprising, "

16. "It's also possible,"

17. " . . . to start to really understand . . . "

18. "Some evidence suggests . . . "

19. " . . . really focuses the search."

20. " . . . more promising venue . . . "

21. "I'm a wild-eyed optimist . . . "

22. ", . . if funding were available."

23. ", . . determining which might be the best candidates . . . "

24. "Another novel space oddity . . . "

25. "The notion . . . "

26. ", but whether or not they correspond to something in reality remains to be seen,"

In other words, nobody knows anything. You just have to laugh. All these astronomer/physicists consider themselves the alpha intellects of science. They look down upon all the other sciences such as biology, chemistry, etc: but no scientific pursuit posts more Revisions-Of-Previous-Statements as astronomy does. Don't believe me? Start a project where you will read a major metropolitan newspaper every day for five years. Everytime you read something from the astronomy community of an announcement nature, write it down. Now log the time that goes by before you see a retraction or completely different theory from the first theory. Make a game of it. It will make you smile. Nobody knows anything. They're just getting tanked on lab distilled schnapps in the observatories and whipping these ideas out of their Uranuses.

These guys and gals all have more degrees than a thermometer factory and nobody knows anything about anything in their own field. Imagine if this short (five page) article Beyond Galileo's Universe had been a book. A whole book of maybes. Ya gotta laugh. There is so much prideless speculation, counterfeit lab results, self-deception, overreaching, equivocation, fact deficient hyperbole (string theory–please give me a break), mentor-intern collusion, dissembling, glossing, quibbling, false propheting, make-believe, egregious evasion, unfounded intellectually spurious . . . hell, you can't remember the nouns and the direct objects in their statements. Twenty-six items of profitless prevarication in a document so brief it needs no index. These top scientists, often gorging at the taxpayer trough (do we really need another government funded 'study' of sunspots) do no better than a group of schoolyard speculators. Clearly, their big brains produce little of value in their own field. So, how can we use their cranial resources schooled in the survey and statistical sciences to help ourselves? Read on.

With all these I-Don't-Knows, if, ands, buts, maybes, We-Really-Have-No-Ideas, qualifiers, and Couched-To-Protect-My-Ass statements you have to wonder how they talk to each other. Even more to the mysterious point, how would one of these stargazer nerds talk to a hooker on the South Pattaya boardwalk? I imagine the conversation might sound something like this:

Astronomer: Hello pretty girl. Despite thousands of papers written, nobody knows for sure; but I'm a wild-eyed optimist so I was wondering if there's a very good chance you could come to the A.A. Hotel with me? Theory predicts, and there's a very good chance, that astronomer geeks like me must straddle. A gloomier mystery remains, however: to wit–how much will this cost me? On the brighter side, if funding were available and . . .

Hooker: Me no like.

I have a proposal. I propose that we harness and turn loose these big giant analytic geniuses on the subject of The Thai Bargirl And How Her Brain Works. Ok, I don't necessarily expect them to do any better on this subject than they have on universe stuff; but at least my prayers and their brains will be pointed in a better direction: any breakthrough would be appreciated. Who's with me on this? Let me know how you feel.

Practicalities? First of all, I'm in charge of everything and I am fronting all of the expenses. So . . . if there is a big fantastic breakthrough in The Thai Bargirl And How Her Brain Works research project I will be the first one to be able to take advantage of the cracked code and it's important information. Only fair.

Ok, first we will round up all astronomers worldwide, ship them to the Kingdom, tell them subject of their research (The Thai Bargirl And How Her Brain Works), and post them in Go-Go bars, bath houses, open air bars, parking lots, alleys, hotel lobbies, massage parlors, and boardwalks all over the Kingdom from Waeng in the south to Mae Sai in the north.

Number two detail? There is no number two detail. Number one detail says it all. Observe Thai bargirls and figure out how their brains work. Simple. Sure, there will be the usual astronomy dweebs and nerdy physicist undersexed dick draggers with lame ass excuses like:

1. "I haven't finished my paper on dark energy vs. dark matter yet." — BORING

2. "I haven't finished my night photos Phd. paper of possible pornographic constellations." — Nutcase

3. "I haven't finished my West Greenland shooting star numbers for the month of . . . ." — Nobody cares

4. "I haven't finished my paper entitled: The constellation Cassiopeia–is that a sword between your legs or are you just glad to see me?" — too bad we are not researching trannies.

5. "I'd rather stuff laminated plastic star charts up my Uranus than talk to a girl–please don't make me do this."

Etc. No worries mate. The meek may inherit the Earth but first they are going to have to participate in this important project. Mongers have needs. This is really all about humanity if you think about it. The universe is expanding at an increasing rate and it shouldn't be doing that? We don't care. We are not interested in how that stuff works. About as close to science you are going to get in the world of international mongers in Thailand is an expat lecture at the Amari Hotel called: Homeopathic Viagra–Fact or Fiction?

Bargirl brains and how they work? Now that subject we are interested in. Riveted. Focused like an East African dung beetle staring at an emerging wildebeest turd. Anything to give the sainted men of the world a chance in the mysterious dark matter and the mysterious dark energy worlds of Thai female–farang relations.

So . . . if you go into a massage place, or hit the boardwalk, or stroll through the Mothership parking lot and you see some astronomers taking notes, and conducting interviews, and operating video cameras, and getting skanks and hookers and whores and cruisers and freelancers to run a lifesize maze with an ATM machine in the center: just leave them alone. They are the world's biggest brains and they are working for me and they are working for you. If everything goes our way, and it might; remember I am in charge of everything–we may crack the code on how Thai women of the commercial kind take in data, make decisions, and then follow through. Try and imagine what a new world this would be for men. How long have we waited? Ten thousand years? Hang in there guys–better days are coming. Soon, armed with the Enigma code of the Thai skank's brain we will be able to have our way with the brown skinned cuties like panzer divisions in Poland.

Who loves you baby?
Dana does.

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