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Soapy Tales

  • Written by Anonymous
  • February 19th, 2010
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

She wasn't that beautiful but she had a charm about her that could land her a customer more often than any superstar.

A superstar in soapy parlance is one that does not sit behind the two way glass but struts the lounge like a peacock. Not that this detail needs explaining to seasoned mongers.

Lets face it, a true monger you're not until you tried those famous massage places along Pethburi Road.

Her name was Porn which was rather appropriate considering the line of work she was engaged in.

Her age was indeterminate but she could have passed for a teenager. Her smile would have lit up a dark sky and that was all that mattered.

What happened to Porn in the steamy rooms of XXX Sauna and Massage on that fateful night made the headlines of every newspaper the next day.

The reporters who wrote these stories tried to piece together what really went on in that VIP room on the third floor but little did they know the facts. Not that the facts mattered to them, it was the headlines that sell newspapers and facts go by the wayside..

So here's the scoop folks 'cause I was there "embedded" to coin a phrase.

Porn and I were an item, a regular happenstance once a fortnight. I wasn't her only regular but then again she wasn't my wife either. She was a diversion from my domestic routine I admit. Mind you, not that I wasn't getting any at home, in fact I was getting it in abundance so I hit on the idea of visiting this particular soapy for rest and relaxation only. Somewhere to get a rubdown and recharge my batteries. The first time I picked out Porn was precisely because of her smile and nothing else. Thereafter we had a routine of a relaxing bubble bath together with a rubdown to follow, listening to Thai traditional music. Not a lot of discussion involved except some grunts from me and a few giggles from her.

An idyllic encounter as far as I was concerned and cheap as chips for 1500 baht for two hours of heavenly bliss.

On that particular fateful night upon arriving and letting the attendant park my SVU I walked into the viewing room, nodded to the Pappasan who asked me: "Same again Khun M?" to which I replied :"Of course". He then pointed to the bar and asked me to sit and have a cuppa tea as my Porn was still busy with a customer.

I did so reluctantly as I hate lounging about and be looked at by all and sundry. You see I like discretion and don't like people observing me in places of ill repute even though I was not there for what the rest of the clientele wanted. But who can guess that I'm not one of them?

As a matter of fact I observed a couple of other farang “gentlemen” a couple of tables to the side who were similarly waiting to be "served". I could just hear snippets of conversation from their discussion and I presumed that one was American and the other probably an Aussie or Kiwi with a bit of Cockney to boot. The American was definitely a military type while the other one could have been anything with that shifty look in his eyes. Both were wearing wedding rings but that was of no real concern to me. I had my own agenda and I was sticking to it.

I did not pay too much attention to them up until that point as I tried to blend into my surroundings.

Within a matter of minutes Porn arrived with that big smile on her face seeing me sipping my cuppa. I was about to rise and greet her for our little rendezvous when out of the corner of my eyes I could see those two farangs stand and wave to the very same girl I'm waiting for. Momentarily little Porn was like a reindeer caught in the headlights of a motorcar temporarily stunned seeing the fracas about to unfold. For it immediately became obvious to me that we were all waiting for the same “scrubber”.

“Hey Buddy boy” I hear the American yell to me, “We were here first”! And the Antipodean follows with: ”Sit down you Pommy bastard(?) and wait your turn”.

I wasn't gonna be intimidated by an uneducated redneck and a former convict: “Tut tut gentlemen, I'm a regular and I have an appointment. Please resume your seats and continue your inane business conversations. I'll arrange with the Pappasan to bring another “crumpet” for your pleasures.”

“Not so fast buddy, we've got American dollars you know.”

“That won't do you any good Sire, Thai baht is the currency that rules here” and with that I took my Porn by the hand and sashayed into the lift with haste leaving the two farangs fuming.

To tell the truth I could see that Porn was torn between me and the other two as she probably figured she could get a threesome with good tips while I was really just a cheap charlie who needed to be worked on rather than jerked off.

I wasn't gonna be swayed by any of this as I needed my fix and I intended to get it.

If she sensed any weakness from me she would strike like a cobra.

“Solly Honey, it's in my nature.”

“I know sugar pie, I know” I mumbled to myself.

I also sensed that Porn must have had a rather strenuous workout with the previous customer. She was in a foul mood which was rather off putting for me needing to have my restful 2 hours.

As I sat about waiting for the bubble bath readied and tried to hum along with the music, Porn was drawing the water, adjusting the faucets with a mix of hot and cold water and creating a foam of lather as she normally would. It all happened in a split second, there was nothing I could have done about it to avert the tragedy. The poor girl must have slipped on the soap as she leaned over to turn off the taps and lo and behold she hit her head with an almighty bang on the hot water tap.. I knew it was the hot water tap because she disappeared in a haze of steam and sunk into the bathtub in no time. I didn't even notice that she stopped breathing as the bubbles kept popping away like it was some kind of celebration with champagne and caviar.

By the time I came to my senses it was too late, she was dead as a beached whale.

The whole thing took no more than 2-3 minutes even though a life has expired in a fleeting second.

What to do, how to extricate myself from this situation without getting all involved being accused of something I was totally innocent of?

I had to think quick and act fast.

I picked up the phone and called reception downstairs. After confirming that those two farangs were still in the lounge I told the staff that Porn had drawn a bath and is ready and waiting for them. Please come quickly before the bubbles all pop. I hung up without further ado and snuck out walking down the steps not wanting to use the lift in case those lucky guys cross my path.

The next morning I perused the local tabloid headlines:

The Daily News led with this: "Parlour worker's demise in suddy finale"

The Thai Rath followed like this: "Massage girl drowns her sorrows in bathtub"

The Nation tried to up the ante: "Steamy encounter leads to bizarre orgasm"

It seems that an American veteran of the Gulf War and a knockabout Aussie carpetbagger went on a murderous rampage in the XXX Turkish Bath bashing an innocent Thai massause to death then drowning her for good measure. And if that wasn't enough they claimed to be innocent even when caught red handed. The American was also armed with a great big hunting knife and tried to resist arrest but he didn't count on the mace the police were equipped with. The Aussie was a bit more clued up about Thailand and tried to bribe the officer in charge. When that didn't work (the cheapskate offered a single purple note) he pulled out a card of a Police Sergeant he had in his wallet and waved it about as some sort of magic wand. Unfortunately for him the arresting officer was a direct superior of said Sergeant and he just smiled at this futile gesture.

So there you have it; You can't believe everything you read in the papers.

As for me and my peace of mind? Well, first of all, I committed no crime and I'm not responsible for the ineptness of the Thai constabulary and secondly I've got a problem of my own; Where do I find another Porn with that charming smile? Or any Porn for that matter?

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

A fun story and one which I don't doubt has actually happened. Her phone rings, she runs to get it and trips, her head crashing down on a hard object. Khun Farang will be doing 20 years in the house for that, notwithstanding that it absolutely was not his fault!