Stickman Readers' Submissions February 16th, 2010

In Thailand A Lot Of Things Can Happen In Two Years

I want to tell my story about Thailand because it may be interesting and maybe someone has some good suggestions for me.

I am in my 50s and from Scotland. I have been living with a woman for 13 years and we have a daughter aged 8 who I adore. I also have a grown-up son from my first marriage. I first went to Thailand in late 2007 for a short trip on my own. I did a little
bit of mongering in Bangkok and saw some sights around Krabi. I enjoyed the trip to some extent but was not particularly keen to go back. About four months later I suddenly felt compelled to return and I made another short trip, this time taking
in Chiang Mai and Pattaya in addition to Bangkok. I mongered a bit more, but not full time. I barfined a lady in Pattaya who was a new experience for me, let's call her Da. She made me feel really good, this was a girlfriend experience par
excellence. It was, however, fleeting. I only had two days in Pattaya and I only had one night with Da.

He Clinic Bangkok

As soon as I returned home, I could not rest until I at least had my next trip booked. I was not thinking about Da or any lady, but I needed to get back to Thailand. I didn’t really know the reason.

Two months later I returned for a longer trip (3 weeks). I looked for Da on my first night and I found her straight away and I spent one night with her. Again it was sensational physically but I was keen to push her out in the morning as I felt awkward
with her somehow. The next evening she wanted to go with me again but I evaded her rather rudely and went to another bar. That trip I spent a few nights with a lady I barfined in Chiang Mai. She was very good but I was soon ready to move
on. I went back to Pattaya for my last couple of days and was disappointed that Da was not in the bar. The mamasan told me she was barfined long-term.

Once again, as soon as I got home I had to book my next trip. I could not go for four months due to my work commitments but I booked a trip for a full month duration. By now, my partner was getting annoyed at me going to Thailand so much. It is time for
me to talk about my home relationship.

My partner is a lot younger than I, in her early 40s. When I met her she was a carefree, attractive young woman in her late 20s. Thirteen years later, she has acquired a responsible and well-paid job, an anxious and rather gloomy personality, and a bit
of weight. She never found it easy to have sex due to attacks of cystitis, and in the last five years sexual activity has dwindled gradually to point zero. I have never had an affair with anyone whilst I have been with her, but
I have mongered in LOS of course in latter years. My partner is a good woman in a most profound sense and she is highly intelligent and full of common sense in many respects. I trust her in a way I don’t imagine I could
ever trust a Thai lady, bargirl or otherwise. She is not, however, easy to live with. She is bossy in the extreme, so I’ve had to get used to being ordered around a lot. And it is wearisome trying to be cheerful when you
get a gloomy response so often. It’s a bit like living with a teenager. Driving her in the car is no fun because the journey is punctuated by shrieks of terror at imagined dangers and orders to drive as she demands. <This sounds like a living nightmareStick> I get the feeling that I fail her expectations of me, and as a result she is almost constantly exasperated at me and resentful of me. Obviously my going to Thailand so much is a cause of this, but only
one of many causes. From a Western male perspective, I would say that western women are culturally pressured into having unrealistic expectations of their men, and they are also culturally pressured into having unrealistic expectations
of their own abilities, i.e. they feel they need to be excellent at everything, career, housecare, cooking, parenting etc. All this does not make for a relaxed home environment.

The next time I went to LOS, I looked again for Da. Again she had been barfined long-term. I easily found three other really good ladies that I juggled for my month, as well as going with about five one-nighters, I was starting to get the hang of this
mongering! One night I saw Da in a bar. She had come in with her man. She swerved by me on her way back from the restroom and I told her I felt bad for walking out on her last time I saw her. “No pompem”, she
said “I understand. You on holiday, you want butterfly.” I asked her if her man was her boyfriend. “Customer” she replied with a glint in her eye. I didn’t see her again that trip.

I was really sad to leave Thailand that time. I had had a lot of fun with my three ladies and it was not much fun returning to home life. My partner was angry with me for having been away so long. She began to complain and hen-peck me worse than ever.
We started counselling to resolve our issues and this calmed things down a bit. Although she got angry, somehow I was able to not respond in kind so we never fought. Our daughter seemed unaffected. She was constantly happy
and doing well in school.

I was able to return to LOS after three months and this time I had a month trip again. I looked for my three ladies but there had been something of a Diaspora. One was in Samui, another in Bangkok. I felt despondent. I went to Da’s bar but again
I was told she was barfined long-term. After a few days, I returned to her bar to look for a new girl and there to my surprise was Da. Within ten minutes we had left the bar and we went on a whirlwind tour of bars and
music in Pattaya, then we went to Isaan, to Bangkok, we flew to Siem Reap, and went to Ko Chang. We were together every second of every day for three weeks. I never got bored. I loved talking with her, laughing with
her, and she seemed really happy too. This was not girlfriend experience, this was love affair experience.

More than ever, it was not easy to return home. This time I was less busy with work and I was able to return after six weeks. Meanwhile I talked with Da a couple of times a week on the phone. She told me about her customers which was not pleasant but
I do not have a big problem with jealousy and it was better than having her trying to pretend she was being celibate.

After I landed at BKK, I went straight to Da. We went on a big tour again, taking in Krabi, Trang, Bangkok and Hua Hin. Again we were inseparable until, after about three weeks, I suddenly felt a bit bored and manoeuvred a situation where I was free to
monger in Pattaya for my last few days. Da got pretty jealous over this and made a bit of a scene. I got reacquainted with one of my three ladies and it was good but she was not a patch on Da in the bedroom,
or to talk and laugh with. I felt relieved to be free of Da but I did miss her a lot.

Back home, I was keen to book my next trip for six weeks later. I was not planning to see Da ever again. One day I got a text from her (I have a special phone for my Thai ladies that I keep on silent – they do not have my main number). I called her and
we talked happily for an hour. I cannot do this with any of my other Thai ladies, with them I soon run out of things to say. When I arrived back in LOS, I split my time, some with Da, some with a mix of
other ladies. I enjoyed every minute as usual. I love travelling around Thailand, especially with Da who is a superb travelling companion. I love eating street food. I love going to temples and making good
heart. I love people-watching. I love riding buses and trains. I love the way Da gets on the right side of people we meet so we find the best of everything. This trip, I took in Chiang Mai and Kanchanaburi.

My modus operandus with Da is to pay her a daily rate of 1500 baht and resist all hints and demands for sponsoring or presents. She left her bar and went freelance so I no longer have to pay a barfine. She is terrific value for money because the sex is
world class, I love her company, and she saves me money when we travel. I deal with her jealousy by telling her that I refuse to see her in Pattaya because she made a scene there before. So, periodically
we go to Pattaya and she goes off to her room (and whatever) while I monger for a couple of days. I tell her I don’t take ladies, only looking. I don’t know if she believes this. Then we
meet again and we go off on another trip. Da is 39 years old by the way. She has worked in Pattaya for four years, before which she worked in a factory, and has three children, all over 18. She has a
superb body and can look really pretty but sometimes her face really looks her age. I love being with her because she never complains or worries or hen-pecks, in short she doesn’t have any of
the problems that my partner has. Of course she has some different ones of her own, such as her jealous moods.

Now we have come to the time of my last trip to Thailand. Again I spoke with Da a lot on the phone from home before I went. Her best friend (aged 42) had met an Englishman on his first trip to LOS and he had married her within three weeks of meeting her.
Da kept telling me, “I stupid lady. Too many falang want mally me but I love you and I tell them no.” When I got to LOS, she went on in the same vein. I told her I cannot marry her
because I have a wife back home (I’m not in fact married of course but I describe my partner to Da as my wife). Da said I could make her my mia noi.
Out of curiosity I asked her what that would involve. She told me I would have to buy a house, put it in her name, and pay her 35,000 baht monthly whether I was in Thailand or not. She was very keen
for me to view a house in Pattaya near where her friend lives, priced at 2.8 million baht. I told her I could not afford either proposition but I agreed to view the house. That was an interesting
thing to do because it brought home the potential reality of taking such a step. Da was showing me which rooms her daughters could use and suddenly I was filled with horror at the thought of returning
from the UK to find the house full of her stuff and her daughters’ stuff. Also I would be bound to wonder what Da was getting up to in Pattaya in my absence. So I wound up telling her that
unfortunately I did not want to buy a house in Pattaya at all. I said I would consider buying a cheaper house somewhere else but it would have to be mortgaged to me so she was not free to sell it
without my permission. Also I told her that at present I could not afford any sponsorship money, I told her I might one day be able to pay her but it would need to be a lot less than 35,000. To my
surprise, she accepted all this and cosied up to me nicely.

As usual, my trip came to an end far too soon for my liking. Once home again, I felt sure I wanted to make some changes. As it happened, my partner felt the same way. She told me she wanted us to sell our house and live separately. So this is what we
are doing. Suddenly I am more free to do what I like. Because I have a grown-up son who I had to bring up alone from the age of 4, I have now been heavily involved in childcare for 21 years without
break, and doing this at the same time as earning a decent living. That is one of the reasons I so appreciate the feeling in Thailand of having no responsibilities and having ladies take care
of me. I enjoy working in the UK and my ideal is to spend my time roughly 50/50 between the UK and Thailand, seeing as much as possible of my daughter when in the UK.

I know Thailand has its frustrations for falang who choose to live there and I have so far avoided all this as a visa-exemption-using, non-property-owning, bargirl-hiring tourist. The UK also has its faults, however. Compared with Thailand it is attractively
law-abiding and uncorrupt but it is deteriorating quickly. People in the UK are much less responsible to each other than they used to be. Now we all break the rules if we can get away with
it and we don’t care who we inconvenience. Observe the way nobody bothers to use their indicators whilst driving any more. Probably this petty rule-breaking is a response at one level
to the rapidly growing volume of rules. Whilst public officials are rarely corrupt, they do get a kick out of frustrating your business activities. They just love pointing out some regulation
that oh so sadly means you cannot do something, especially with your property. At least in Thailand, you would know that they might simply want a bribe. In the UK you cannot! They just get
job satisfaction out of enforcing the millions of rules on this that and everything. Add to this the chronically depressed demeanour of the average person in the UK, the appalling weather,
the quickness to get into a rage (e.g. neighbours from hell and road rage incidents) and Thailand for all its faults can appear very attractive.

Economic issues are a further consideration. Almost all of the western economies are heading for a long period of stagnation and decline relative to emerging economies. In the UK particularly, public spending will have to be cut back heavily. Yet when
you look at the UK compared to Thailand, it is obvious that large amounts of public money are wasted on useless projects and benefit payments. Poverty in the UK is a relative concept.
Nearly everyone has enough money to live well by Thai standards. We have had to stop buying all the overpriced rubbish that we binged on in the good years and we complain that that makes
us poor. Of course it really does not. It is a little depressing that we will regard our economy as successful again when we can resume all that unnecessary consumption. Economic experts
are increasingly in harmony in saying that the emerging economies have by far the brighter future.

1. Do I buy a property in Thailand? I think not yet because I love travelling around, good hotels are cheap, and I don’t yet know where to buy. When the time comes I might build a new house somewhere inexpensive. When my house in the UK is sold, I will have plenty of money to do this.

2. Do I buy a business in LOS, or seek a job there? I do not want to buy a bar, and property development is a different ballgame from the UK. Many falang’s business aspirations seem to end in tears. I can afford to do nothing, just live simply in Thailand, maybe this is best, especially while I am able to work 6 months of the year in the UK. Working in a Thai job I can imagine would be stressful and not well paid.

3. Do I take a wife or permanent partner? I think I will spend my next trip with Da, mixed in with a bit of mongering and then I will be ready to settle down with one lady. I think you do have to commit because Thai ladies cannot stand a man who butterflies. This is the same whether they are hi-so, office girls or ex-bar girls.

4. Who do I marry? Da is the devil I know and I think she will make an excellent wife in many respects. On the other hand she has had 1000s of sexual partners, she is a poor girl from Isaan, she has three children who will be holding their hands out at intervals, as well as mum, dad et al. She has got accustomed to a relatively high level of income (and her family have got accustomed to seeing some of it) and I don’t really want to be handing over anything like as much as 35,000 baht every month. Also her looks will deteriorate as she progresses through her 40s and beyond. She will continue to think like a bar girl for some time after giving that up, and she may even secretly go back to the bar when I am in the UK. She is likely to have jealous moods even if I am faithful to her. On the other hand if I go for a hi-so lady, she might not be so good in the bedroom and not so much fun to be with.

5. Should I take my Thai lady to the UK? It would be great to have her with me in the UK to take care of me after work etc but I may have to marry her to get the visa for her and I do not want to have any risk of her running out on me in the UK and then taking me through the divorce/alimony routine.

Stickman's thoughts:

I would take things slowly and not lock yourself into anything permanent. That means don't buy a place – rentals are cheap wherever you settle, and don't necessarily settle down with someone until you are sure of her.

Work will be the tricky thing in Thailand. There aren't a lot of jobs that you can do while floating backwards and forwards…

Whatever you decide, good luck!

nana plaza