Readers' Submissions

Gobsmacked



I thought I had done my homework before getting married, but ………

I met my wife in Pattaya where I was living a comfortable life. I would not say I’m a Thailand veteran but have wandered around the country about 2 months per year over the last 7 years and have been living for a while in Pattaya before I had to return back to the home base for business reasons.

Having spent time in Thailand, reading the readers' submissions on a regular basis, getting to know my wife’s family and being together with my wife for almost 2 years before getting married last year, never prepared me for what she told me an afternoon about 2 months ago. I’m still gobsmacked, stunned, feel cheated on and lost all my trust in my wife who I loved dearly. I’ve been trying hard to rekindle the love I had but am not able to.

As I mentioned earlier, I had to return to the home base for business reasons. The quickest way for her to accompany me was a tourist visa. As we had been living together in Thailand for significant time this was luckily quickly arranged. Initially the plan was to go back to Thailand after implementing changes to the way my business was modelled. Unfortunately when back on the home base the person in charge of the business resigned. This changed plans dramatically and we decided to stay in my home country. We spoke honestly (well, at least I did) about the consequences of getting married and put our cards on the table. As I’m a person who needs honesty in a relationship and do not wish to step into a situation without giving good thought to all things involved such as the influence of our past on our relationship, children we both have (each 1) and their futures, future plans, the Thai silent treatment (I don’t put up with it), culture differences, protecting my personal and business assets, etc., we both came to an acceptable conclusion.

I have been married and divorced before and lost an estimated 80% (no kidding) of all my assets, so I was only prepared to get married under a binding financial agreement which stands much stronger in court then what was generally called a prenuptial. The binding financial agreement basically states that what is mine or hers stays mine or hers and increases or losses in value of assets are for the person who owns the asset. New assets get in the name of the person paying for it. This agreement was more for my benefit then hers since I hold the majority of the assets. If you plan to marry please get this in place.

After flying backwards and forwards to Thailand and going through all the red tape regarding the visa we married at the beginning of last year and had a fantastic wedding in my home country. During the visa process I made sure that my wife made sure she was not forgetting anything. My experience with Thai people is that even when it concerns important applications the Mai Pen Rai attitude does not completely disappear.

My wife integrated into society with great ease, enjoyed learning a new language and found work very quickly and made life a joy for all people surrounding her. She also quickly entered into a circle of Thai female friends; either she met through school or at work.

In this circle of Thai female friends there was one woman she became very good friends with. This woman has been living here for 8 years and became her sounding board. It was to this woman she admitted that she had another child in Thailand living with the father of her former boyfriend. Her friend was however very surprised when she found out that I was unaware of the existence of another child and advised her strongly to tell me as sooner or later I would find out.

So 2 months ago my wife told me literally: “I have to tell you something, my friend told me to tell you that I have another child in Thailand, are you angry with me?”

I reacted, “I don’t know what I am except that I’m gobsmacked and really need to find some space to be alone for the next few hours, AND your friend told you?”

Going back to the time we put our cards on the table she told me that she has been in an abusive relationship with a Thai man and had a child with him. The man did not allow her a normal life and finally she escaped with the child at night. This man however came looking for her at her mother’s house and caused an uproar but left unsuccessfully finding her or his child. The wife’s brother needed to get involved and paid the man a visit. After that the man never returned looking for her or his child.

I confronted my wife why she did not take the other child on the night of the escape and asked how old the child was. Apparently the other child was 3 weeks old and escaping with 2 children was not possible. I also asked why she had not had her brother pick up the other child when he paid the man a visit. Her brother is not the smallest Thai man, well trained and impressive. I’m not getting straight answers anymore and I get typical Thai answers like “you do not understand”. Discussing the situation is no longer possible as she refuses this.

However 2 weeks after the announcement of the “second child” the child ended up in hospital and the bill needed to be paid. I have refused to pay and don’t know how the bill has been settled.

In the meantime I have found out that she has another bank account (3 in total I’m aware of) so that might have been the source for settling the bill.

The last two weeks I’ve been away on my own to think things over and to discuss with my best buddy in Thailand and his Thai wife. Both were very surprised. My best friend advises to end the marriage ASAP. His wife of 15 years advises to calm down and try to discus again.

This week my wife decided out of the blue that she is going to send her son back to Thailand as he is too much of a bother. She cannot work full time as he goes to primary school.

The heart is empty, I’m empty. There are no choices left. I feel so sorry for her child.

D-Day is around the corner. Suitcases will be packed and plain tickets arranged.

Stickman's thoughts:

There's no doubt that your wife lying to you as she did was wrong. What I would say however is that it is a lie from the past and she probably didn't realise how important this was to you. It's not like she claimed to never have a kid, rather she lied about the number. My feeling is you should try and work through this. If other things in the relationship are strong then I really believe this is one lie that can be overcome. If the relationship is weak then things will fall over. My advice would be to work as hard as you can to make it work. Your wife also needs to be CRYSTAL CLEAR in her understanding that there should be zero tolerance for lies.