What Women Want: Helpful Hints from a Caveman

Before I get started, let me first assert there are no tire tracks on my backside and certainly no ring in my nose. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like everything I see but neither do I “refuse to acknowledge the man in the mirror.” True, there are some regrets and I have certainly learned the hard way when it comes to building a happy relationship with women. Yet that doesn’t make me a sucker to the next pretty face or tight ass I meet, nor should it for anyone else. But, does being personally honest with yourself and others mean adopting a peevish attitude? My job is in technical sales and certainly there is a fair amount of cynicism in this work. Yet I am able to complete deals with our customers because in the end, we trust each other. I know some of you will say it’s the contract holding us together but anyone who has spent more than one day in this business knows that contracts, no matter how tightly structured, are easily broken. Just like love vows, wedding vows, or relationships.

This article, mostly, is an over-simplistic how-to manual on how to create a happy relationship with such nuggets of advice like practicing good hygiene and trying to please your sweetie sexually. For those of you who did not know this previously, I am sure you had your eyes opened while reading this revelation. But I especially loved his steps on challenges and incentives. Assuming the last name of the object of your affection is Machiavelli, these little hints should work quite well. Applying a few simple tricks and viola, you have a happy and submissive partner that is as cynical as you and who only participates in this relationship as long as she sees clear advantages in doing so. Assuming marriage ensues; I wonder what happens when this little plan goes bad, like when you have a serious illness. Now what? Lying half conscious in a hospital bed with your calculating partner holding your life’s keys, what will happen then? Oh yeah, you should have devised a will where your partner gets more money the longer you live! And so ad naseam it goes on for how to gain the attention of and then control the object of your desire. Notice that nowhere in this article will you find the word “trust”. Little wonder.

But the author has more than just advice for the lovelorn. Sprinkled into this article like so much poison from Catherine de Medici, are gallant philosophies. Like never letting “her take control” because “I simply believe that the man should control things; that’s just the way Nature designed it.” Wow, that’s one way to inspire love and affection in a woman. Then there’s the statement that he will never get married because “Marriage gives her every incentive to stop performing in the relationship, and by "performing", I mean behaving as if her words and actions have a direct bearing on the quality and tenure of the relationship.” So, all these little rules are really for controlling relationships and not for being happy? What happens if some poor dope falls in love and desires marriage? Join the PFC? But the true cynical nature of this author comes out when he states his personal law. “CAVEMAN’S LAW: Whenever a woman says she loves you, substitute the word "need" for "love", and 100% of the time it will be a true statement.” OK, let’s play this game a little bit. My wife says she loves me but does she need me? She’s was doing alright on her own before we met so she didn’t really “need” me. And in my youth, I was having a hot affair with the college freshman homecoming queen. She said she “loved” me many times but she certainly didn’t “need” me. She could have been screwing the football captain instead of a knucklehead like me. Or maybe, just maybe, this law only applies to women that our intrepid author seems to enjoy; those that view a relationship like a tug-of-war the same way our author does.

But really the worst clap-trap in this article was actually in the beginning. “Altruism is dead….if it was ever alive.” Interestingly, our hero provides no evidence for this belief although I suspect his reference to government programs or "community organizing" as useless endeavors may mean he has been spending too much time watching Fox News. Maybe this is the secret behind the imaginings of this gloomy writer. Has he never met a person who is unselfish in their giving to others? Or has he refused to acknowledge one when he did? I have been fortunate to meet a few but I will put forward one name that many are familiar with in Thailand: Father Joe Maier. Tell me how Father Joe’s work with Bangkok’s poorest of the poor has or will provide him with “with adequate mental justification in their own distorted minds to continue to be the pieces of human shit they are.” I, like many others, believe Father Joe to be truly altruistic and we certainly do not believe he does this for any other reason except to benefit his charges. Hell, he doesn’t even try to convert the children to Christianity, for Christ’s sakes! This paragraph alone is enough to condemn the rest of his words but I will surprisingly come to Caveman’s defense. Altruism is not the way to approach a potential relationship, but who in the sane world does? Providing a house and car for your teeruk is not altruistic; as most men expect a place to stay in Thailand and sex on demand in return. Although stupid, this is not unselfish altruism.

Sure, we all expect something in return for our actions and not just in relationships. But isn’t this true for most of life’s activities? Certainly there are warning signs that some activities are not going to produce the expected results, like choosing your life’s mate from a foreign culture or Nana Plaza should have giant red flags that even the most blinded among us could see. Also, recall Einstein’s definition of madness, "Doing the same thing again and again hoping for different results" and you get the idea: learn from past mistakes. But boiling all considerations down into this how-to manual assumes people; women in this case, are all cast from the same mold. I have seen marriages where a farang gave all of his money to his bargirl wife, and she responded by providing him with a wonderful life built on love and mutual respect. What’s the lesson here? And as far as his statement, “How many couples today really enter marriage with the true intention of making it last forever according to the vows they spoke?”, I readily admit to this madness and I suspect most other people who are married did as well. But buried in these emotional epitomes are some good ideas, like a willingness to discuss uncomfortable issues with your partner. Having a slightly skeptical mind helps as well but being cynical doesn’t. In the end, aren’t we all left to our own peculiar devices? What works for me may not for you. Human relationships are tough to rationalize and anyone who claims they can is a fool. Well, I choose not to be the bigger fool by following this particular fool.