Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 245

  • Written by Dana
  • January 30th, 2010
  • 13 min read


Finally Home: Pattaya Farang History (Past as Present with Historical Update)

Dana here monger lifestyle fans with another true story from my life. I get this email from a guy who tells me that some hotel called the Cottage hotel up near the Soi 2 dogleg and Phetdrakul Rd. (think that's it) in Pattaya is a great hotel. Normally I just delete this stuff because I am very happy at the A.A.Hotel on Soi 13/0 in Pattaya. Great location. All you have to do is walk them across the street and it is boom-boom time. But there is something about this guy's recommendation that makes me save it. It has the patina of truthfulness and I have had the idea in the back of my head for a couple of years that I would like to do about a month in the 2nd Road and east of 2nd Road area. This is a completely different scene from the boardwalk.

On the boardwalk I can stumble across women of femininity, and beauty, and exotic sexiness, and all around wonderful cuteness just hanging around holding up palm trees and waiting for me to come by and say:

"Sa wa dee khrap saldkjf adslfjdslfh sadllh dllf kuhn dd suay maak kuhness flat brown stomach 500 bhat?"

Ok, I still can't speak Thai but it always seems to work out. Anyway, you wouldn't think it was possible but I think I am beginning to burn out on wonderful cute Thai women. Too many petite virgin innocent mountain flowers can make you gag. Yeah, I know; it surprised me too. Anyway, the antidote to all of these Thai angel experiences would be to spend time in the 2nd Road and east of 2nd Road area where little Thai baby girls are named Skank and Up To You by their moms. Like I said, a whole different scene. And to get the low down on this scene I need to sit at the feet of Chiang Mai Kelly, a 2nd Road and east of 2nd Road expert. He knows everything. He's done everything. He can top any story you tell. I worship this man. I kiss the ground in his shadow. I also look a lot like him if I wear the same clothes he wears–hey, if the girls get confused it is not my fault.

But then I got to thinking (I'm a thinker). What if I was staying at this Cottage hotel place but I just happened to be on the boardwalk one day licking a Swenson's ice cream cone and I bumped into my future (or at least the next hour)? How would I get her to the Cottage hotel located on the backside of the moon? Astral traveling? No. Jet pack? No. Mind projection? No. I'd have to go through some tortured routine that involved walking and baht buses and all the rest of the inconvenient travel infrastructure in Pattaya to get her to the fxxxarium called the Cottage hotel. Not fun. I hate traveling with Thai women because I do not enjoy trying to converse with something that has the synapse activity of a bucket of paint, and I do not appreciate the extra cost involved, and I hate the wasted time. A problem.

It's a conundrum. Presumably, there are a whole bunch of really fantastic hotels experiences in Pattaya that I could be having but this 'I hate to travel with whores' thing just keeps getting in the way. In fact, come to think of it (I'm a thinker), I sometimes wish I could eliminate the time it takes to cross the street to the A.A.Hotel from the boardwalk. Admittedly, it is only three or four or five or six or seven or eight (Beach Road traffic) minutes; but once again–I hate traveling with whores. Then it hit me. The solution (I'm a thinker).

Living on the boardwalk. That's right. You heard me. You read the words. LIVING ON THE BOARDWALK. Yes Stickmanbangkokites, it is now time for the final step. I am going to live right on the boardwalk and eliminate all that pesky time wasting activity of traveling with Ming and Ling and Sing and King and Fing and Fang and Bang. All I need is one of those great big huge cardboard boxes that refrigerators are shipped in. I'll live (and love) in the box right on the concrete sidewalk. Don't envy me because I am so smart. This is the way God made me.

So . . . where to get one of those empty refrigerator cartons? Pattaya Gary. That's right, my friend Pattaya Gary will know where to get one. He buys and sells and rehabs Pattaya condos and he knows everything about this stuff. I don't want to say this guy is successful at this, but he goes through Pattaya housing condo units like prunes go through an old lady. I'll call him.

Not to digress here: but Pattaya Gary is not just a condo king but also dips his economic wick into freestanding housing estate units, raw land (ask him where you can go to shoot AK-47's at washing machines and old cars), commercial leases, bars, tapioca field speculation, shrimp farm infrastructure, ferry boat construction, Bhumi airport runway crack repair contracts, the fledgling monogrammed condom market, and the private sales of airport screening devices for perverts. Anyway, the important thing is, he'll know where to score some Rolls Royce quality empty refrigerator shipping cartons. Is everything timing? No. Is everything location? No. It is who you know. And I know Pattaya Gary.

He says to meet him at a big huge mall place. When he arrives on his motorcycle he has about 200 feet of rope. So it is Gary and myself and two motorcycles and about 200 feet of rope. We go around back and there near a loading dock we find a fantastic refrigerator carton. It is for a commercial kitchen refrigerator and it is huge. My future home. I hear birds singing, and Pattaya freelancers groaning. God I love this country.

Gary tells me to park my motorcycle parallel to his bike and about four feet away. He then ties my future home on the back of the two bikes. He explains to me that this will work if we maintain the exact same speed. Except on corners. On corners the outboard bike will have to to go a little faster. It's a physics thing. Anyway, I nod my head and try to look accommodating. I'm kinda scared of this guy because he is so big and huge; but still, a little birdy in my brain is chirping:

"Are you crazy? This is not going to work."

It did not work. It did not work even down the little exit ramp. We never even made the first turn onto the highway. Look up the word BAD IDEA in the dictionary and there would be a picture of this idea. A disaster. And a water truck ran over the carton and destroyed my home. "No worries mate." — says Gary (he is currently rag doll pounding an Aussie woman). "Meet me here at the same time and place a week from now and I have a sure fire 100% absolutely can not fail idea."

Next week I arrive and in front of the mall I see Gary in a Roman chariot with two mules hooked up front, and a new refrigerator carton tied on the back. Questions ensued. It seems that the Roman chariot is a prop he borrowed from the Tiffany's tranny show, the mules are borrowed from a Burmese yaa baa pack train, and the Roman outfit that he is wearing he just happened to have in the closet. A crack of the whip from the Bangkok Eden bar and he is off. It all went without a hitch. A genius idea. Proof once again if you needed it once again that the expats in this country are the chosen ones. The only problem was that it was a windy gusty day and his Roman gladiator's skirt kept blowing up.

Soon my new home is on the boardwalk right across from the A.A.Hotel. A fantastic view of the ocean and no more time has to be spent squiring Thai women of the commercial kind to the bed across the street. The bed is right there. How do I think of these things? Genius. The only thing is that it kind of sticks out and I don't want to have it disappear one morning when the Thai trash people come around. What to do? What to do? I look down the boardwalk and I see two things.

I see a huge hole in the boardwalk full of and surrounded by pipes and planks and various kinds of construction equipment, and I see a big group of trannies. I know. I know. I had the exact same thought as you. I went down to the trannies and had a conversation with them and handed out some baht. They then went to the construction pit and hauled all of the pipes and planks and pieces of wood and big metal things down the sidewalk. Piled them on top of and all around my cardboard refrigerator home. It now looks like a Thai construction project in process. Nobody will go near it and nobody will expect it to move for at least the next five years. Like I said, genius. So if you were on the boardwalk that day and you saw me leading a bunch of trannies down the sidewalk and they were carrying construction stuff, and white plastic tubing, and steel pipes, and planks; you now know what it was all about.

So . . . am I going to stay in this Cottage hotel that my email friend recommended to me? No, I don't think so. The final wheel has turned and I am finally and irrevocably home. It has a black velvet door flap stolen from the Tahitian Bar across the street, a Buddha shelf for incense and candles and food offerings and flowers, a mirror, and an electric cord that runs to the base of a light pole to power my TV. Outside over the black velvet door flap there is a sign in English and in Thai that says:

"If this box is rockin' — don't come knockin'."

You might wonder how my lovers are going to be able to clean themselves before and after sex. No problem dude. I don't waste time with women like that. Anyway, tomorrow morning I will surprise Fa by telling her that we do not have to do all the pesky traveling across the street to the A.A.Hotel–we can just crawl in my box and do it on the boardwalk. I can't wait to see the expression on her face. And I can't wait to show her how I look wearing Gary's Roman gladiator skirt.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. Three Year Historical Update: the 'refrigerator carton-as-home' idea is now a fait accomplis and an idea that has matured. The following interview between myself and a Dana fan shows the ideas social maturation:

Dana Fan: Hi Dana–are you still living on the boardwalk in South Pattaya in a refrigerator carton?
Me: Yes, I am. Thank-you for inquiring.
Fan: You must save a lot of money by not renting hotel rooms.
Me: I do but that is not really the point.
Fa: Really?
Me: Yes, the point is to eliminate the travel time with whores from boardwalk to bed.
Fan: I see.
Me: Speaking strictly objectively, analytically, scientifically, and with the complete lack of emotion common to a cold fusion experiment this is one of history's greatest ideas.
Fan: I did not know that.
Me: Yes, this 'live-on-the-boardwalk-in-a-refrigerator carton-to-save-travel time-with-prostitutes' idea is on par with Einstein's E=MC2.
Fan: I wouldn't have thought of that.
Me: Yes, E=MC2 establishes the relationship between matter and energy. My refrigerator carton-as-home idea is of equal import considering the effect it will have on the world but without the pesky need for an equation. Equations are so yesterday. Actually, my idea might be a greater idea than Mr. Einstein's. Purer, cleaner, simpler.
Fan: I gotta go–nice talking to you–I think.

Well, there you have it pussy fans. What of the current and future events in this idea arena? Good question. Glad you asked. I am now making refrigerator cartons available to interested farangs. Some day the boardwalk from Soi 2 to the Royal Garden Plaza will be littered with appliance cardboard box homes, and the moans of love. Really, it's all about the love. Did anybody every say that about Einstein? I rest my case. My mark has been made and I am now finally immortal. It's great to be me.

Again, sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S.S. — An unhappy sidenote: recently I was informed by 500 baht Walt who handles installation of refrigerator carton homes that a farang up opposite Soi 10 had cut out windows in his box so that people could look in while he was post hole digging a skank. A som tam lady had set up outside and the crazy lady with the plucked bleeding eyebrows was renting those little white plastic chairs to onlookers. This is wrong. Come on guys. All we have is our dignity and the memory we leave our children. I'm sorry I had to say that.

Addendally: the nice thing about having 500 baht Walt on the team is that with his Asian face (Japanese American) and his size (6'5" tall and 350 pounds) a lot of silly objections to our cardboard box homes just melt away. When people see 500 baht Walt coming down the boardwalk leading a troop of tranny stevadores carrying a box they just clear a path. And if a problem does develop such as

"You can't do this here. This is public land." — Pattaya Municipal Government

500 baht Walt has lounge lizard friends at the Mothership who have been coming to the Land of Smiles for forty years and they know how to dance, if you know what I mean. 500 baht Walt commands a farang multitude. He gets things done. And if I can figure out how to do it–I am going to get him fitted for one of Pattaya Gary's gladiator skirts. Bringing 500 baht Walt aboard the team as installation manager was like casting Marlon Brando in the movie Godfather. Everybody just instinctively recognized the rightness of it; and besides, everybody really knows that the boardwalk is Farangland.

And what of Pattaya Gary in the last three years? Well, more real estate deals of course; but more to the point, he and Union Hill are now making negotiation/business inquiries regarding the sidewalk on both sides of Sukhumvit in Bangkok from Soi 4 to Soi 19. Prime farang habitat and so perfectly suited for large appliance box homes for farangs that the whole thing just shouts destiny. A presentation may have to be made at the palace and we are potentially going to need all the names of supporters we can get. If you have an interest in the Sukhumvit Road project either as an individual or as a concept please register with Dana Enterprises, Rajah Hotel block, Soi 4.

Once again, sincerely yours,
Dana

Stickman's thoughts:

I hear the Dana Fan Club has a massive membership these days.