Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 238

  • Written by Dana
  • December 12th, 2009
  • 5 min read



SOI DOG RESEARCH

Sa wa dee khraps Khun hansum mans, Dana fans, and Stickmanbangkokites:

Dana here at Dana Central on Beacon Hill with a mystery, a proposal, and a service to humanity. I know what you are thinking:

"Again?"

Yes, again–there is no OFF switch on my genius button and I have identified a mystery in Thailand (Pattaya). To wit:

From the start of Walking Street all the way north to the Thai part of the beach around Soi 2, there are no soi dogs to be seen, or to be avoided. I have visited and inhabited and trolled this piece of Kingdom real estate for years and years and years at all hours of the day and the night and have hardly ever (never?) seen a soi dog. How come? I don't know. Makes no sense. In most parts of the Kingdom you have to practice the three soi dog defensive (offensive) moves just to get from the door of your house, or your hotel, or your apartment, or your condo to the store for cigarettes:

(1) Avoidance: crossing over to the other side of the street when you see soi dogs. However, this simple solution can go from triangle geometry to quantum physics in a nanosecond. How? What if there are dogs on both sides of the street? This is how I am different. I can think of this stuff. Exactly.

(2) Proceeding down the street yelling like a wild man and swinging a mulberry bark umbrella like the turbine fans in a jet engine. Some Thais will run, some Thais will applaud. All dogs will stop and shift their dog brains back into dog neutral.

(3) This third method always works but requires a young man's strength or a crazy farang's diet of booze, cigarettes, and sulphur stenching fear. To wit: rocks. That's right Dana fans: rocks. Hundreds of them and all around the size and shape of oranges. You have a French (FTF) net shopping bag over one shoulder full of rocks, backpack and bellypack and chestpack full of rocks, rocks in your front thigh cargo pants cargo pockets, rocks in two camera bags slung around your neck, and rocks in two Indian tailor garment bags tied to your ankles and dragging behind you. As soon as you leave your hotel, or your condo, or your house, or your apartment and you spot the first evil eyed soi dog you start throwing rocks. Problem solved.

Can there be a flaw in this brilliant soi dog solution? Only one–don't forget to plan for the return trip. Once again, this is how I am different. I can think of this stuff. I'm not braggin'–I'm just sayin'. Anyway, I hate to get all Western and educated and smart here but inventory control is important. And of course the more experienced mongers reading this have already concluded that this rock routine could be equally effective against the trannies near Soi 11 on Sukhumvit in Bangkok, and the trannies near Soi 7 in Pattaya. But we must not digress. Must – Not – Think – About – Trannies . . . back to the dogs. Soi dogs.

To wit and to iterate: where are they from Walking Street to North Pattaya on both sides of Beach Road? In what way has the cultural curtain of the Kingdom been rent and torn asunder? Is something going on that we need to know about? Should we be on our guard? Inquiring and paranoid monger minds want to know. We need to get to the bottom of this. There must be at least one or two or three dogs somewhere in this geography practicing stealth and knowing the answers–we just have to draw them out and interview them. But how?

Chiang Mai Kelly. That's right, Chiang Mai Kelly. We have him fitted with a custom made neck-to-ankle Velcro body suit and we attach to that suit chicken bones and chicken remains from a slaughterhouse. As he strolls from the Walking Street sign to Soi 2 all you will be able to see is his farang feet and his farang head–the rest will be bones, and blood, and feathers, and meat bits. Imagine the sight. Imagine the aroma. Hopefully, irresistible to soi dogs.

Note; when my self and my Dana Central executives made our first trip to Thailand to a chicken plucking plant to work up the Chiang Mai Kelly prototype costume we couldn't help but notice that the slaughterhouse employees were wearing T-shirts that said:

"We pluck'em so you don't have to."

It instantly reminded my self and my Dana Central Beacon Hill executives of the T-shirts we wear in Pattaya that say:

"We fxxx'em so you don't have to."

Small world. Anyway, with Chiang Mai Kelly as human chum dogs will be seen in public and dogs will be interviewed. So that's the mystery and that's the proposal. What is the service to humanity? Simple. Knowledge is power and we need every piece of Thai based knowledge we can obtain so that someday we can truly break the code and turn Thailand into Mongerland. Who is thinking of you baby? Dana, that's who.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. — Oh, one thing. If one day you happen to see a monger in a custom made Velcro body suit shuffling down the boardwalk covered in chicken parts and feathers and bloody bits and meat products don't bother him. It's Chiang Mai Kelly. It's research. And it's costing me a fortune.

P.S.S. — Thoughtful mongers and Pattaya social historians might wonder why out of all the thousands of volunteers we had here at Dana Central for this soi dog research project Chiang Mai Kelly was chosen. Well, there were good and scientific reasons. Chiang Mai Kelly knows what those reasons were, and we know what those reasons were. But that is another story. I can, however, give you one example that speaks to the man's character and the man's motivation. Preparatory to this first 'looking-for-soi-dogs' walk as a part of the LFSDRP (Looking For Soi Dogs Research Project) did Chiang Mai Kelly say:

"I am a searcher obedient to the command of truth." — Tyndall (sort of)
or
"Knowledge must come through actions;" — Sophocles (sort of)
or
"I love the smell of dog turds in the morning. It smells like victory." — Coppola (sort of)?
Nope, nope, and nope. What he said was:

"Just give me the fxxxing chicken suit and I'll find the fxxxing dogs."

Nuff said.

Stickman's thoughts:

Don't talk to me about soi dogs. I have major problems with them when I go for a run. Unfortunately where we live the bastards are everywhere.