Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 236
Greetings Dana fans and other advanced human beings: It is announcement time. Get ready to drop your pants and rub your legs together like a cricket. You are not going to flippin' believe this. I can barely believe it and I'm me.
I am going to open a theme park called Danaland. Yup, you heard correctly, and you read correctly, and you have received this information correctly. Welcome to the next stage in your life. I am going to open a theme park called Danaland. And what will the theme be? Me. What else? It is Danaland.
My people have successfully lunched with other peoples' people, the money is in place, important people are getting on and getting off of airplanes, pink lycra suited trannies are practicing opening day air shows, and I am trying to lose a few pounds for the Dana Look-a-Like contest.
The location will be the maritime park south of Walking Street in Pattaya. You know the park I mean. The brand new park with the broken tiles. missing bricks, inoperable lights, and padlocked lighthouse. Anyway, lots of acreage and a great location. The purpose of Danaland will be to enter the final frontier of pleasure. This was not my idea, but the idea of a fan. His name was . . . ok, no idea what his name was. It's really all about me anyway. I mean it is not called Fanland. It is called Danaland.
Danaland will be a theme park that's all about me: Dana. Kinda takes the wind out of your atheist sails don't it? There must be a god. Anyway, it's all good and I don't see any problems. I have a twenty year lease with the Pattaya Municipal Government and everyone knows how the Thais respect contracts.
What can you do in Danaland? A brief list follows:
1. Listen to public readings of my numerous and various Retirement-from-Writing announcements. Public crying is ok.
2. Take classes and attend seminars on Danaism. There will be tests. This is damned serious. No shorts, short sleeved shirts, or open toed shoes allowed at these classes and seminars. I will be speaking. Photos allowed.
3. Apply to or attend meetings of the Dana Fan Club (DFC). Yes, members of the DFC receive free admittance to Danaland. Who loves you baby? Dana does.
4. Enter raffles for free tranny 'short time(s)'.
5. Watch through plate glass windows as the All Dana All The Time (ADATT) website is put together. Yes, you can make suggestions.
Special note not related to the above: we have an idea still in committee. Raffle winners get to go up with the tranny parachute air show and push them out of the plane. Could be a rush. Let us know if this sounds appealing.
6. Audition for Dana the Movie.
Special note not related to the above: Proposed idea–a booth where you can insert a 10 baht coin and watch Marc Holt diddle his wombat. Let us know what you think.
7. Raffle winners will receive Walk-with-Me one-on-one instruction on the boardwalk any morning between 9:00–9:20. If you have not met an angel of the reddy teddy kind by then I will introduce you to my Fa . . . no, wait a minute–what am I thinking? I will never introduce you to Fa you Turd Face Soi Dog Butt. Ok, I am sorry for that intemperate language. I've been under a lot of stress lately. I signed a twenty year lease with the Pattaya Municipal Government and the monkey faces (I mean that in a culturally sensitive way) are still jerking me around on the subject of . . . ok, that's not really the point–just buy a Walk-with-Me raffle ticket and it will all work out. Sweet Jesus on a cracker–do I have to do all the thinking? Anyway, on the back of the ticket it will say:
"Cancellation due to rain or sighting Marc Holt on the boardwalk. The rain part is self-evident. The Marc Holt part less so. Suffice it to say (white people talkin') that if Marc Holt beats us to the boardwalk the girls will be cranky, confused, confabulated, and anti-connubial. Having Marc Holt on the boardwalk is like throwing chum to fish that don't want it."
8. Fire AK-47's at Chiang Mai Kelly on stage and watch him dance. If you can make him dump in his pants you get a free beer.
(Note: this has been cancelled due to the high cost of ammo. If you have a cheap ammo source contact Miss Up To You at Dana Enterprises–we are currently looking to score some cheap Hamas munitions. Don't worry too much about accidentally shooting Chiang Mai Kelly–we have CMK insurance. The rate is pretty good because the insurance agent is a tranny hound and he can mainline at Danaland. Business.)
Speaking of Chiang Mai Kelly–for the 'in' crowd we have a special invitational only raffle. To wit: win the raffle and you can spend five minutes with Princess and try and figure out what he was thinking. I know every dog has a smile but sweet Jesus on a cracker WHAT was he thinking? Warning: can be disorienting. Do not drive heavy equipment after contact with Princess.
9. Purchase, watch, or be involved in the making of Dana videos. Be all you can be.
10. Make harbor trips to the Dana restaurant barge in the bay.
11. Attend the Church-of-Dana on Sundays.
12. Fire bargirls into the bay with the Dana catapult nicknamed Fxxx'em. Bring your teeruk and surprise her. Note: we recommend making reservations for this.
13. Make day or night trips to the Dana bar.
14. Attend by plasma TV satellite hook-up any current international tranny auctions. Our staff will help you with financials and bidding processes.
15. Learn about and accompany Danaland staffers on Theme Nights (Don't know what theme nights are? How the hell did you get in? Get out.)
16. Take discounted trips in Dana boardwalk hot air balloon tour.
17. Help paste up weekly Nana Hotel news newspaper.
18. Have your picture taken with a plywood silhouette cut-out of me.
19. Learn the Dana semaphore flag system for signaling girls on the boardwalk from your hotel window. Pay close attention and crack experienced Danaland staffers will teach you when to use the fifty baht flag.
20 Watch documentary films on the making of the Dana statues seen at the entrance to Walking Street, and in the Mothership parking lot, and all over the Kingdom.
21. Remember the 'plaster-castors' from the 60's? They were rock 'n roll groupies who would get backstage and make plaster casts of the guitar heroes' dicks. I can remember copies being sold in head shops in Ann Arbor. Anyway, raffle winners will be able to make (or purchase) plaster casts of my dick. Not for resale.
What else can you do at Danaland? Pleasures too numerous to mention. Remember–it is all about me. How do you describe a god?
22. Get measured for Dana outfits–look like me. Yes, your dreams can come true at Danaland.
23. Take flights in jets and helicopters with Fa and her flight-suited teddy bears. Note: adult diapers a recommendation. You have never been scared this much.
24. Field trips to the back of Big Mike's department store where the fruit stand is to look for rotten banana erection helpers.
"Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra."
Ok, I could go on and on. The point is it is Danaland. Franchises not available–one location only. Be there or be square. As an opening day bonus . . . ok, more . . .
25. Raffle winners will be able to smash with an axe CD's of the song Hotel California.
26. Once a week receiving lines. I will shake your hand. I won't make eye contact with you, but I will shake your hand.
27. Enter daily Tranny-Hand-In-Your-Pants exhibition/contest. Note: reservations a good idea.
28. Attend language–linguistics–accent workshops to learn to sound and talk like me. Dare to dream.
Programming note: on rainy days and during the rainy season Danaland will not be open. There is nothing sadder, and more pathetic, and downbeat than a wet tranny. I'm sure you understand. If you do not understand then Go To Hell. Go Screw Yourself Turd Face. Ok, once again, I apologize for that outburst. Getting Danaland going has been very stressful. Anyway, no wet trannies.
29. Tour climate controlled museum of Dana: The Book, and view through bullet proof glass galley proofs of every page. No photos.
30. View diorama of me at home writing and typing a submission for Stickmanbangkok.com. Gallery guides will describe everything you can see. Use rental head phones (head phones free to Dana Fan Club members) to listen to famous published authors describe my writing. Accurately count the number of times you hear the word 'brilliant' and win a framed picture of me riding a horse wearing nothing but a Speedo bathing suit (me, not the horse).
Special note not related to the above: is Danaland available to all? Of course not. What's wrong with you? No French (FTF), Japanese, Koreans, Russians, Ufxxxistans, Chinese, Eastern Europeans, or non-Thai trannies. You're a tranny from Serbo-Croatia with a mustache and a tattoo of your boyfriend's tractor? You ain't gettin' in. Standards. It's all about standards. Don't worry–my name is Dana. I won't let you down. The German issue is still in committee. Hundreds of Germans walking around in shorts wearing sandals and socks is disturbing. None of us want to see that.
Anything else? Yes, condoms. All ticket holders will be searched. You've got condoms? You are not welcome in Danaland. Come on. It's Danaland, not Condomland. Nuff said. Note: once per day around 3:00 p.m. all incoming guests caught with condoms will be stripped and chained to eyebolts on the stage floor. For a small additional fee you can shoot paint balls at these jerks. Danaland–family fun, lessons learned, and standards. And, as an opening day bonus you will receive free just for saying:
"WHO LOVES YOU? DANA DOES."
a Danaburger (patent pending). It's a sirloin charred bacon cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, and onion plus my special sauce that tastes like a boardwalk freelancer. I dreamed it, soi dogs have tested it. and now you are going to eat it.
All hail Dana and all hail Danaland. There is paradise on earth. See you there.
P.S. — Thoughtful people have emailed us here at Dana Central and asked us if Danaland is the precursor to destiny's child: the country of Dana. Will I someday be making a thank-you speech to the United Nations General Assembly in New York as the country of Dana flag (catapult on a blue field with the word PULL) is raised to the top of a flagpole outside? Stay tuned.
This place will be a guaranteed commercial success!