Readers' Submissions

Same Old Same Old

  • Written by Anonymous
  • October 9th, 2009
  • 7 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


The most ridiculous thing I ever heard on the Internet was from a gentleman from the Indian sub-continent, who clearly had been down to Thailand and had his whiskers clipped by some Thai lass or three. He suggested that they were all using black magic on foreigners to make them fall in love with them and steal their souls. What a fool.
Start again. This is a very selfish piece, stretched out to meet eight hundred words to please Stickman and humbly submitted as a little billet doux (PS that is not the value proposition for the Eden Club; that is ballet deux) to whomsoever it pleases. Think of it as a cry for help maybe. I just wanted though to get in on the act as for some reason, perhaps due to his purported switch away from teaching his column goes from strength to strength. What has really impressed me though is the shift in quality and emphasis of the readers’ submissions. There is some really good stuff on here and aside from a few submissions from people who clearly elected W – some of whom may not yet be aware that he has left the building – there are actually folks on here I’d be happy to let buy me a beer sometime and tell me more about their view of Land of Sharks.

So, it’s a kind of open letter as I need some advice. Please give generously. Larger notes preferred.

I’ve had season ticket membership at the usual venues in Bangkok and Pattaya and have done the whole range of things from falling for ladies who don’t even remember my name in the morning – admittedly at my age, 46, I am heading that way too – through to trekking off to Ubon to meet intended family. They threw a big Thai party at which I think I was the guest of honour and met lots of nice young Thai men but suspect it was the contents of my wallet that were really welcomed and they certainly ended up staying there. Never saw the lass again though. Pity – great dancer. Anyway, wordy way to say I am not a novice. Or so I thought.

So sadly I plough on searching as I am cursed with that affliction called ‘romance’ you see and still believe that it can work between an old fart farang and a lady from those far off and palm fringed shores. Honestly. Can it happen, fellow readers? Please tell me. So, before you all rush off to read a proper posting by Dana or some other glitterati of the site, here is my question, one starter for ten followed by three parts, five points each:

How on earth do you meet a proper Thai lady?

I was first brought up on my last trip last month, when I met a nice Thai girl in a shop in that sanctum of peace and tranquility, Second Road in Pattaya. She was pretty, petite and polite and I was the fourth p – drunk – but I made her and her friend laugh somehow and she gave me her number. Success. But I wandered off and never called simply because I thought, I have no idea where to take someone who clearly was not part of the industry. Bemused and ashamed, I came back to the UK and started reading all these recent postings and in particular am fascinated by the discourse around what a proper Thai lady would seek in an initial meeting with a farang to be impressed. Blow just thinking about the first meeting… how would you turn this into a friendship and hopefully more?

How on earth do you talk to a proper Thai lady?

So, ever the resourceful one, I tried to find the answers online. Stickman had made me try TLL and whilst it is hilarious and great fun, it’s not a safe place to swim I fear. (PS I know what ALL you mongers look like… there was a server glitch at TLL a few days back and when you signed in we got to see all the chaps as well as the ladies. I never knew there were so many middle-aged mongers out there in Norway, Germany and all parts European… and it was a 3:1 ratio of guys to girls, honest!). Anyway, that is not the best way of finding a proper lady with whom to converse. So I needed a different route. I came across a site where I found some e-mail addresses of folks corresponding and amongst them were seemingly Thai nationals, ladies as well as chaps, but most with a Western-ish perspective. In a moment of madness I dropped one of these people, a rather erudite if perhaps a tad hi-so sounding lady – at least I hoped it was a lady rather than a wannabe with a five iron – a line with a polite introduction and thought that would be the end of it.

How on earth do you woo a proper Thai lady?

Thai sensibilities and politeness do exist and I received a response. Careful, considered and with an element of wry humour. Ever game, I wrote back and slowly a little exchange followed… always polite again and carefully phrased but interesting enough and informative enough to be worth the wait. I am always fascinated by the ability of people to make a fool out of me in my own language when it is not their native tongue. We take English for granted, wasting it on Antipodeans and Colonials… perhaps the greatest mistake England has ever made, apart from letting Chris Waddle take that penalty. No, this was clearly one classy act and so I quickly started looking forward to the daily little exchange of notes, patiently checking my inbox and becoming frustrated when other priorities mean I don’t get my little fix of communication. You get it, I am hooked. Again.

How on earth do you make a proper Thai lady fall for you?

This is where I am stuck now. Like a teenager, you get yourself all caught up. I have to admit that almost until this point, I’d not even seen a picture but you know when you talk to someone online, you can still kind of work them out and you think you hear a voice in the background too. Now, I have finally mastered the technology and have seen a picture – we’re arguing about the grade but it is a clear pass, maybe a distinction – and found myself tracked down as well via Facebook, which I guess is TLL for ugly people, or like Friends Reunited which is for old people.
One part of me says jump on the next Thai flight down from Heathrow and check this person out. Any excuse for a wander along the beaten path. Or maybe invite her up to the UK… but this is rejected out of hand. Of course, having been inured to the wiles of the Isaan collective, a ticket to the UK would be gold dust as it gets you closer to the US, probably teerak can get there on the baht bus from London, no? But this is a proper Thai lady and now you think you’ve blown it as what seemed a nice gesture is of course forward and inappropriate. Cultures are such complex things.

What to do now. Looks like a trip down for Christmas when her work and my retirement allow diaries to mesh. If I am given permission. I’d of course like to go tonight but know that I will not get met at the airport and feel that the strategy of wandering around Bangkok look for a specific small, dark haired lady with a pretty smile and nice figure might not be entirely effective (at least in terms of finding the right one). Curses, and Sticky does warn us of this, if only I had listened. I thought too initially I’d be better addressing this ramble to Mrs. Stick but I fear that I would not be able to phrase the question sufficiently well and would just look silly. No, I am on my own on this one. It’s my mess and I know I am going to be made to suffer. Have to go now and check whether she has sent me an e-mail this morning.

Dear Reader, you can sense that my goose is cooked and there is no hope for me. All I can do is spare you the same torture. Please heed my warning.
These Thai girls…

They use black magic and they steal your soul…

Honest. jing jing.

Stickman's thoughts:

There's no secret to it! Just approach Thai women as you would women in your own country. Be yourself, be friendly and make sure you are confident. Any nerves will be picked up on by her and put her off. If you are comfortable approaching women in your own country then it really is little different here.

BTW, go back and search for an article by BKKSW that summarized meeting Thai women very well.