Incest, Child Kidnapping And The Mysterious Case Of The Vacuum Cleaner OR (My Shitty Marriage Part 2)

My first submission on Mr. Stickman's site was published on 11th September last year. His comments were as follows, hence the alternative name for this years posting!!

"I would retitle this submission as "My Shitty Marriage". I don't wish to make you feel bad but honestly, this sounds like a crappy relationship. Your wife doesn't want you to speak Thai well as her and the family clearly have plenty of secrets. She doesn't trust you. You are asked to finance the family's shopping sprees, something which you clearly resent. I wonder how much you and your wife have in common? This sounds like exactly the sort of marriage most would want to avoid!"

Well Mr. Stickman, the shitty marriage has survived another year. I have just been back to Thailand and here are this year's experiences!

If you read my previous submission you will have heard that the bitch got run over by a lorry. One of the female puppies has now become Big C but her mate is also her dad. Hence the dogs are now committing incest. Is this a crime for dogs you may ask? I don't know why the original bitch was called Big C but probably because it was where they ripped me off for the most money!

Since last year one of my brother in laws has been divorced. He has remarried a woman who is the aunt of brother in laws no. 3's wife. The ex-wife of the brother in law has also remarried but her new husband didn't want to bring up the step-son and he was packed off to the local wat where he was looked after by the monks. About day 4 of my holiday and it was go and retrieve brother-in laws no. 2 son.

So early one morning off we go, my family plus sister in law and brother-in law no. 2 and his new wife. We arrive early at a farm about half a mile from the ex-wife's house. Here we all get out and sister in law and brother in law go off to search for his son in my pick-up. We all decamp at this Thai house who is a brother of the father-in law.

Whilst they are gone I get chatting to this pretty Thai girl. She used to work in Pattaya soi 13/? but has returned to village. She has 2 boyfriends, one a Norwegian aged about 50 who sends her money every month. She also has a 30 year old German boyfriend who she obviously loves (sic) more but he doesn't send her any money. Anyway I give her the benefit of my (limited experience) and tell her to go for the Norwegian man. They are much richer and she is more likely to have a better life with him than an impoverished 30 year old German guy. At this point the wife comes over to see what is going on (i.e. protect her investment) and to chat to her cousin. I am not left alone with the girl any more after that!

Back to the main story. Eventually my brother in law returns with his son (the ex-wife had hidden him so it took a while to find him) and talks to him and tries to persuade him to return to our village where he lived for the first ten years of his life. His mother rings up and tells him if he goes off with his dad he will never see his mother again. A lot of emotional blackmail was going on. After about 2 hours of trying to persuade his son to return to the father's village, there is still a stalemate. So the wife says right let's take him, if it costs 100,000 baht, it doesn't matter. I have the money (i.e. farang husband has the money). So we all pile into the pick-up and go to his school. There he is signed out of his school by his father. My nephew goes off to talk to his school mates. After the formalities have been completed, off we go. We stop at a market to buy the boy some clothes as he has only the clothes he stands up in.

We go home and the next day he is registered at his old school in his father's village. Off we go to the provincial town to get him school uniform. If you were wondering who was paying for all this you've guessed it – the farang. Next day he is back in school. He is as thin as a rake after existing on monk's rations for a few months. He is staying at my house as his father cannot afford to keep him so you could say I have gained a nephew (hanger-on).

He is a great lad. I was playing computer games with him and he has easily settled back into his new school and back with all his old classmates again. However he does need a bit of fattening up, in fact he is older than his female cousin but he is actually shorter and much skinnier than her. The following day we went to see a lawyer in town which cost 3000 baht (guess who paid) who drew up the legal documents for the case and it is going to court in October. We expect legal custody of the son to be returned to his father. As they say in Thailand, the person who has the most money wins the court cases. With the father having the financial backing of his sister's farang husband the decision is hopefully a foregone conclusion. The mother had been looking for a payoff. She wanted 20,000 baht at first then when she knew ex-husband had financial backing the demands went up to 40,000 baht and finally 100,000 baht. I am hoping the court will award her nothing but obviously whatever has to be paid to the ex wife will be paid to get full custody of the child. I believe she owes 40,000 baht in the village and was banking on a payment to release her from all her debts. I pray she doesn't get a satang.

Another day the sister's partner was cleaning out my car, washing and using the vacuum cleaner. Later that day we were down in the provincial town visiting our local Tesco Lotus when the sister said we need a new vacuum cleaner. I am an amenable guy and would normally say yes, ok, we will buy another (is this where I am going wrong). But I had seen it being used that very morning so I said no. The wife and sister-in law did not talking to me for a while then the sister-in law let rip for about 5 minutes with a load of non understandable Thai. I knew it was something to do with me not buying the vacuum cleaner. The trip home was in silence.

A couple of days later I found the vacuum cleaner in the sister in law's room in my house (i.e. legally the wife's house but guess who paid). I connected it up to the mains, pressed the on button and off it went. I checked the bag and it was about 10% full, so I emptied the bag by hand and pronounced to the sister in law that I had mended the vacuum cleaner. It was an expensive model with variable suction, and was about 2 years old. However it is hardly used as the house floor is tiled and is normally swept. The sister in law isn't that good at cleaning the house (yes, she is paid if you think I am a mean sod). I was seething. The sister in law would try and rip me off for a few thousand baht. I assume she must have had a buyer for a second hand vacuum cleaner ready and waiting. One up to the FARANG! I kept reminding the sister in law but she was not fazed at all, just another of her attempts to extort money from me had failed.

I am sure you would like to hear about my dear mother in law. If you recall last time she cost me almost 8,000 baht by falling ill in Pattaya and spending a night in hospital in Pattaya. This time she was at our house and gorged herself on a meal provided for by her favourite son-in-law (she only has one). In the middle of the night we are woken up mother-in law again ill. Off we go 15 miles to the hospital at 2 AM in the morning and she is admitted to hospital. Thankfully this time she was covered by her Thai medical insurance which costs 30 baht. She has a 2-day stint in hospital, and it cost son-in law nothing except the cost of the petrol. What a result!

The mother in law needs a new tractor which costs 40,000 baht. A few days previously the mother in law's sister was round pleading poverty and mother in law gave her 30,000 baht. So when wife asks whether I will buy mother-n law a new tractor, I say no. I believe I am not flavour or the year with the mother in law at the moment. If she had had 30,000 baht and just needed 10,000 baht I probably would have coughed up the remaining 10,000. Luckily for me both the wife and sister-in law were on my side on this one so I didn't get an ear-bashing from the wife. Phew!!

By the way I kept the wife happy. I bought her 3 baht of gold plus earrings. A HAPPY WIFE MEANS A HAPPY MARRIAGE.

Well that's about it for my adventures in Thailand. I bet you can't wait for the next installment. I hope this gives you an idea what life is like when you have a horde of hanger's on.

Finally my last thought of the day is about Mr. Stickman's comments last year and my submission, I don't think the Kiwis understand the mother country's citizens' sense of humour.

More country tales of Thailand next year with the next exciting chapter!!

Stickman's thoughts:

I maintain that this sounds like a nightmare. I could not live with in-laws like that, I really couldn't…