Readers' Submissions

Am I Setting Myself Up For A Fall?

  • Written by Anonymous
  • October 30th, 2009
  • 12 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


I thought it was about time that I contributed to this wonderful site. I have been reading the content on this site now for a good 5 years on a daily basis with great interest and find a large majority of the submissions truly fascinating. Now it is my turn to tell you my little story but basically I am after your personal opinion on my situation. Yes, you guessed right. It is about a Thai lady. Let me start with a bit of background info on my life.

I am in my early 30's and my ex-wife is in her late 30's. I have been married to a Thai lady for 7 years and have a 7 year old son from this lady. We decided to separate 3 years ago due to a breakdown in the marriage because of several health issues with my wife and she couldn't commit to me and felt the best way forward and taking into account our son, was to separate (I wanted to keep trying but I lost out on that argument). We separated amicably and to this day we are very good friends which we feel is important for the upbringing of our son. During the 7 years that we were married and living together and all in all the 12 years that I have known her, she has not once asked me for money. I have not once sent any money to her family in Thailand and as far as I know she was always faithful to me. We have now divorced and the only condition that she requested was that we share custody of our son. She didn't want a penny from me or any maintenance for our son. She was not a bargirl so there are definitely good Thai women out there.

Now this is the part of the submission that really made me decide to put fingers to keyboard and see how those of you out there think of my situation. After we separated I still continued to travel to Thailand as by now I had a good set of friends and in laws in Thailand and I enjoyed their company as well as the country itself. 3 years ago about 6 months after we decided to separate my ex had her annual holidays from work and wanted to spend those weeks with her son (I should have explained that because of the shift work that my ex does for a job, I am the main carer for our son) so I'm thinking well I'm not going to see my son for 2 weeks so why not go away to Thailand for a couple of weeks and see some friends and have a nosey around the areas of Thailand that I had yet to venture into.

I ended up ghosting around a few of the islands that I hadn't seen before and this is where I came across my current girlfriend. It started out with me struggling to find some accommodation. I was feeling hot and bothered from walking around hunting for a bed so I stopped at a bar (not a girly bar / gogo bar more like a pub you would find in the U.K). I sat there and had a bite to eat and a few drinks and watched a football game that was on while in the background a couple of the staff were playing pool as the bar was dead. After the match finished I started to watch them play pool as I love the game and this member of staff asked if I wanted to play. Feeling a little merrier after a few beers I took her up on her offer of a few games of pool against her. As the day went on we got chatting more and she said she hadn't seen me around there before and I told her the situation of not having anywhere to stay and I didn't know the island as it was my first time in Phuket but not my first time to Thailand and she piped up that she had good friends that ran a guesthouse. She got on the phone and confirmed they had a room. That night when her shift finished at 7 we jumped into a tuktuk and went there and I got settled in. She said her good byes and that was that, I thought.

Well that night I ventured out to have a look around. I have never been a sex tourist as so many of you call it (now you're not believing me but it's true) but I visited a few different bars and relaxed a little and then went back to my room thinking that it was good but during the day I had a great laugh and from that moment I decided that I would re-visit the bar I was playing pool in the next day. Now was this to be a mistake? I'll let you judge that.

For your interest I have been to Thailand roughly 35 times and at one point had a small restaurant with my ex, so I have an idea of how things work and what to look for but I guess once I have explained more I am looking for re-assurance.

I returned the next day and had a few drinks in the bar she worked in and stayed for a while and just chatted and we seemed to get on. I left for the rest of the day and rode around the island to check it out and said I would see her the next day. I didn't want to look too keen. This continued and after a couple of days she said she had a day off and if I liked she could show me around a few places and just hang out basically. I had to think about it because I was thinking to myself that this is going to end up with me going shopping with her and me spending a fortune on her but I took the plunge and I'm glad I did because we had a wonderful time visiting interesting places and having a couple of nice meals and going out in the evening for a few drinks (maybe that's what she wanted, food and drink, who knows).

For the rest of my trip I visited her at work every day for a few hours and on occasion went out in the evening with her, of course me paying for everything but I wouldn't have it any other way being the gentleman that I am. We learnt a fair bit about each other and she didn't seem too phased by the fact that that I was divorced from another Thai lady and had a 7 year old son. She said that she was happy with that because at least I would have an understanding of Thai culture and be responsible because of my son. We had some great chats together and from just spending a few hours a day chatting I knew she had a really good head on her and seemed to have a good understanding about life and the world in general. This did make me think a few times that maybe she had been around a bit to gather this understanding but I asked her how she knew so much about the world and European cultures and she said she watched programmes on TV and read lots of books on world history and culture. She later proved this to me when I visited her room and saw the extensive range of such books. This is all sounded too good to be true, surely.

My holiday had come to an end and the morning that I was leaving she gave me her mobile number and said if you want to say hi anytime just send her a message. So I took the number and she never asked for mine so I didn't hand it over because I thought maybe once I had left I would have a serious re-think about getting involved with another Thai lady. Well it took me 2 weeks back home before I took the plunge and sent her a message asking her how she was. You guessed it, she had stolen my heart and was reeling me in without even knowing it. She was happy to hear from me as you would expect and told me that she wasn't too sure if I would ever contact her again but understood the situation. She was reading my mind or something because my thoughts about getting involved with another Thai was what she was thinking as well but she seemed happy that I decided to contact her. As the days, weeks and months went by we made more and more contact and the occasional phone call as well. This was starting to get serious now. I was constantly running all the potential red flags through my head, none that I knew of yet (have any of you spotted any?) but I was always saying to myself, the minute she asks for money or something happens and needs the money then I would cut my ties straight away and move on. I waited and waited but nothing, was she a good one? I finally booked my next trip away and met up with her. She had arranged to have the time off work, so we spent a solid 3 weeks together and I had the time of my life. She is interesting, funny and has the best sense of humour that I could ever ask for. I made a few school boy errors regarding some things that I said to her in Thai but instead of going mad she just calmly pointed out that I should say it in another way to avoid any problems with other Thai people and carried on.

She is like the dream women that I had been waiting to find all my life, I know you are thinking that this is the game that they play to get you on their side and maybe it is but I just rode with it because I was and still am having a whale of a time. I have continued to return over the last few years 2 – 3 times at a time and seen her and over the period that I have been back home it has got to the point now that we talk every night without fail unless I am out with mates when I haven't got my son or if she has gone out which is maybe once a month. She has since moved jobs and I have been to her work every time I have been back and know the hours that she works and when she calls me as regular as clock work after she has finished so I don't suspect that anything is going on but I still have my doubts every now and then, I don't know why. I guess it could be because of all the stories that I have read and she could be seeing other people on those days that she does go out. It's a trust thing that I need to get over and the reason for this is because of one incident that happened when I was with her.

All the time that we have been together she has never received any calls or messages on her phone apart from the odd time from Thai friends and a lot of the time she gave me her phone to stick in my pocket but on one occasion she had this call and walked out the door. Big red flag straight away. I went outside the door and asked in a calm voice who it was. She said just a friend, won't be a minute. When she returned a couple of minutes later I said what friend was that because you were speaking in English. I said it was a guy wasn't it and she said yes it was a friend who was over with his girlfriend and wanted to met up with her for drinks. Now this got me going and I said if he was just a friend why the hell did you walk out of the room. Her reply to that was, 'I really don't know why I have done such a stupid thing like that because I know from the bottom of my heart it is just a friend but I thought that if you knew I was talking to another man you wouldn't believe me that it was a friend'. It took a while but I eventually calmed down like the idiot that I am and tried to forget about it because I still had a few days left on my holiday and didn't want to ruin it. Maybe I was wrong and should have run, this is where I would like your opinions on this.

I look at the good and bad and this is the only thing that has gone wrong. Everything else has been amazing. There has never been a period where she has never not responded to my messages and near on every night we talk, so no long periods of silence as if there was someone else visiting her. She has never asked for any money at all, never asks to go shopping for phones, clothes, bags, shoes etc. She seems to be a legit Thai lady with a good heart, she has even sent me a small present in the post before for my son.

Could you please advise me on your thoughts and do you think that I would be making a mistake if I continued this relationship and do you believe that it is possible to find 2 good Thai ladies or am I just hoping for too much here?

Stickman's thoughts:

You say that you have been coming out to see this lady for years. You don't mention anything about putting plans in place for the future. We don't know how old this lady is. If she is as nice as you say she is, she WILL get approached by other Western guys. I think one critical thing with Thai women is that if you really want a long-term relationship with them then this needs to be communicated with them and the two of you need to put a plan in place that will make that happen. Either you move to Thailand or she moves to England. If it is the latter and she is genuinely a good lady, her family will expect you to marry her before you take her.

I guess the bottom line is that if you want something serious, don't drag your feet!

* I have to say that I am REALLY puzzled that you refused to supply an email address even though you expressly want feedback and comments from readers. The Stickman readership are a clever bunch, but I bet not one of them can guess what your email address might be. Somehow I do not think it is [email protected], right?