Stickman Readers' Submissions September 30th, 2009

Naive First Timer in Bangkok

Hi guys. After clicking onto the Stickman website some months ago I became more determined to make my first trip to Bangkok, Thailand. After a crap marriage the thought of hooking up with an Australian woman just filled me with dread. I decided maybe my future ‘love action’ lay overseas.

I just arrived back from a 6 day trip to Bangkok. I did the Palace, Temple Tiger, River Kwai, Elephant & Crocodile tours and then set my sights on hooking up with a Thai girl.

He Clinic Bangkok

Well things sort of got off to a false start. I stupidly allowed the hotel limo driver to get me to Nana Plaza and get a girl and come back to the hotel. Well of course I was railroaded into being taken to a specific bar just off the main road from Nana Plaza and taken into a small bar. I think it was called Annie's Bar. Well near there anyway. I was taken in the back way of course so I didn’t get a glimpse of Nana Plaza proper. Well I didn’t know what was going on and as it was my first time EVER I was nervous. I picked a girl and got hit 3,800 baht for the night. Oh and plus 100 baht for the Hotel Limo driver. (I know, I know). Well sex wise things didn’t go very well at first but in the morning things went to plan. I didn’t understand all the shower stuff and I sorta need to be ‘in charge’ to a certain extent for things to go right. Then the words ‘tip for me!’ was mentioned. Fortunately I only had about 180 baht in my wallet and $AU15 in my hotel safe. Of course she managed to take the lot and ‘hi fived’ me and disappeared into the morning sun.

Later that day I was on my way to do the tiger temple tour and was thinking ‘man, those tigers look scary’ and then I thought “Tigers aren’t scary, man, Thai girls are effin scary! And bring a new meaning to the term ‘man-eater’. Okay things went pretty bad. I got laid but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Even though it cost me a fair bit I did learn that whenever the hotel limo driver’s mouth was moving he was lying.

I set off again, hellbent on getting to Nana Plaza. Okay, grab a taxi and say Nana Plaza NO STOPS!!!!! And those were the only words to come out of my mouth. Every time the driver spoke to me I said Nana Plaza NO STOPS!!! Korpkunkup (thank you).

CBD bangkok

Man, I got there. I walked up the main street and didn’t really see anything that attracted me to go in and then I saw a place. I saw the words Pharaoh in neon and all this action going on. It sucked me in like a magnet and in I went and sat down at a bar on the ground floor, up the back on the right. There were all these girls dressed as ‘school girls’ going in and out a door where I was sitting at a bar in the courtyard area. A few people were playing kids games like Connect Four and Jackpot with dice. I thought that was fun. I had to find out how this Thai girl game worked. There was this guy at the bar who was pretty drunk and playing up with the bar girls. I said hi and we started chatting. His name was ‘Leon’ so I asked him how much you should pay for a girl. ‘Leon’ was cool he said ‘okay, well you pay a 600 baht ‘barfine’ to the bar and you take the girl to your hotel for a ‘short time’ or ‘all night’. For a ‘short time’ if the girl is bad you kick her out and pay her nothing <BAD adviceStick> (I didn’t like the thought of that, sorry guys they are people and I have to treat people as people). If she is really really really good and I mean FANTASTIC you pay her say 1500 baht. ‘All night’ you pay her 3000 baht”.

Shortly after that, poor old drunk ‘Leon’ had to go home. I had noticed that this courtyard had three levels to it so armed with a little basic knowledge from my drunk mate ‘Leon’ I ventured upstairs to look about. The touts hit me to come in but I saw a place called Fantasia that looked interesting so in I went. Man as I went in I swear I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Here are all these BEAUTIFUL girls in g-strings dancing on two stages. I was shunted over to a stool right next to the stage. It was too close so I moved and sat further up in the lounge area so I could see all the girls on both stages. I noticed each girl had a number on them. Made sense. Pick one you like. I had to nail this Thai girl process so I asked one of the guide girls how it actually worked. She tells me pick a number you like and pay a 600 ‘bar fine’ and take the girl away. Ah, so my drunk mate ‘Leon’ was telling me the truth. I noticed girls from the stage were coming off stage getting changed and then sitting with customers and then would leave. Okay I got it. I had a problem with Fantasia. I had to pick a girl I liked. Hmmm, I am 53 years old. Pick a girl I liked? It would be far easier to pick a girl I didn’t like. They were ALL beautiful. I didn’t really feel comfortable with that process. Maybe I am a bit shy. I leave to look about other rooms.

I walk past a place called Angels/Witches or something like that. This slightly drunk American guy grabs me and says ‘Man, you have to go in here. They put on a really good show. Go take a look’. Okay, it can’t hurt so in I go. The girls are doing this choreographed dance on the stage. At some point a gaffer taped girl is peeling off pieces of gaff tape and sticking them on this drunk guy sitting at the front of the stage. Very funny. WOAH!!! Then it happened!! All of a sudden there was a barley dressed young Thai girl sitting beside me. She starts flirting with me. Holding my hand touching me and kissing me on the cheek. I don’t know, but, we are chatting about this and that and fooling about. I am way out of my depth here. She goes to actually kiss me on the lips and I back away, waiving my finger indicating no kissing on lips. (I know, I know). She leans over and says “I picky and pick you, pay bar fine and take hotel…pleeeeeease!!!!!!”. I am sort of thinking, I am 53, you're beautiful, now she is either lying or she has lost her mind or maybe a bit of both. Remembering what my drunk mate ‘Leon’ told me I asked her if she is bad or good? She looks puzzled and asks ‘what mean bad good?’ Pointing at her I say ‘okay, sex bad or sex good?’ She gets it. And says ‘Oh sex GOOD!!!!’ I say ‘Oh I was hoping for bad’. She didn’t get it but I laughed my head off. She says buy me a drink. No problem. A shot of tequila (may have been just water), salt & lemon turns up and I pay for her drink straight away. She licks the salt, knocks back the ‘shot’ and sucks the lemon. Then she jumps up and says ‘now I dance you decide’.

The act on stage finishes and all the barely dressed girls, including ‘Apple’ with the scorpion tattoo on her neck jump on stage to dance. All the girls dance for the room but I look up and notice beautiful ‘Apple’ takes a position in front of me and dances for me alone. Oh man this is getting a bit much for me. I am looking at ‘Apple’ dancing for me and all I am thinking is ‘Tigers are just really oversized pussy cats ‘Apple’ is really the deadly fully equipped man-eater’. I stand up point to the door and ‘Apple’ goes a bit berserk so I go over and she crouches down on the stage and she says ‘Please pay bar fine….pleeeeeeease take me hotel’. With my hand across my heart as if to protect it and a sad face I kiss the back of her hand and head for the door and safety. (I know I know).

wonderland clinic

The next day I get the feeling the only reason I do these tours is to work out where I am up to with my Thai girl quest. It dawns on me that ‘Apple’ is EXACTLY what I am looking for. What you seasoned Thai veterans talk about. The “GF” (girlfriend) experience. I had to return that night to Nana Plaza to find ‘Apple’ and pay her bar fine. I know the basics of the game, time to stop being a nervous dickhead and go for it. I get back to the hotel from the tour and go straight down to the markets to get some new clothes, I shower shave splash on some aftershave and I’m good to go. Okay taxi procedure in place: Nana Plaza NO STOPS!!!! Korpkunkup.

A different guy turns up at Pharaohs that night, confident and ready to have some fun if nothing else. I head straight to the courtyard bar next to the ‘school girl’ room. The bar girls recognize me from the night before. I get a Coke and notice my drunk mate ‘Leon’ isn’t holding up a bar stool tonight. The most beautiful Thai girl sitting at the bar smiles at me and taps the stool beside her. I smile and act as if I didn’t see her taping the stool. Thinking ‘man she is way out of my league’. She gets up and sits beside me. I smile and say sawadeekup. I ask her where the ‘games’ are tonight. Soon we are rolling dice and playing ‘Jackpot’ and chatting. We are playing and chatting and laughing and I ask her when she has to start work in the bar. (I know I know). She makes me aware that she is working….. NOW!!! Seriously if you were standing nearby you would have heard the ‘penny drop’ CLUNK!!! So I think ‘cool’ and do the ‘Bad and Good’ price negotiation. Funny she says EXACTLY the same thing as ‘Apple’. ‘What mean bad good?’ lmao. They are so cute when they say that. At this point I realize I have a problem. ‘Apple’ opened up with the ‘girlfriend’ experience the night before. ‘Bon’ on the other hand hasn’t gone there at all. SHIT what is a guy to do? So I tell ‘Bon’ I have to see if a girl from last night is at Angel/Witch room. If the other girl is there I will pay her bar fine and leave if not I will come back to her. Okay?. ‘Bon’ is good with that.

I bounce into Angel/Witch desperately hoping ‘Apple’ is there because I am sure she has what I am looking for. I check out each girl. I can’t see her. Man!!!! I call a girl over and describe ‘Apple’ and her scorpion tattoo. She doesn’t know her but goes away behind the bar. She comes back and says ‘Apple’ is with a ‘short time’ customer and should be back soon. Man, what to do? Risk waiting for ‘Apple’ who may not return or head back to ‘Bon’at the bar? A couple of the girls dancing are looking my way but I look away quickly. I don’t need the night to get more complicated. I decide to see if I can get the ‘girlfriend’ experience going with ‘Bon’. If I can I will pay her 600 baht bar fine and do a ‘short night’ for 1500 baht. I head back to ‘Bon’ and act sad that ‘Apple’ wasn’t there.

‘Bon’ is really funny, but cute, because she is trying to console me that ‘apple’ is just working and not to worry that she is with a customer. It’s kinda sweet. I start flirting with ‘Bon’ and she seems to respond okay so I decide, stuff it, lets pay the bar fine and get going and see where the night takes us. We jump a taxi with ‘Bon’ in charge. Man that was a good change. Those taxis drive me nuts. You won't believe this. On the way to the hotel a huge coach smashes into our taxi. We are friggen stuck in the front wheel and guard of the coach and I couldn’t care less. Me and ‘Bon’ just laughed and flirted and fooled around on the back seat while they organized un-jamming the taxi from the coach.

We get to the room and just flirted and fooled around like stupid teenagers in love. We had so much fun with the Lonely Planet English to Thai language book. Some of the ‘dating’ phrases are quite intimate but fun to fool around with. I don’t know why but actual sex didn’t seem to work out. We gave it a shot. I do remember saying at one point ‘you're not very good at this, are you?’. That wasn’t true of course lol it was me who didn’t have a clue. Not sure whether it was because I was tired or simply not all that interested in the sex bit. We just finished off the night laying naked together kissing and cuddling and laughing and we no longer seemed to need words to communicate. Just a look, a smile, a touch, a gentle bite seemed to say it all. Thai silk has nothing compared to beautiful ‘Bon’s’ silky skin.

The deal was 1am finish but it was already 2am. When ‘Bon’ mentioned it was nearly 2am I accused her of watching the clock. When she realized what I was getting at she said ‘No No I just look I not watch clock’. Lol. It was getting late so we got dressed and I paid ‘Bon’ the 1500 baht and $00 baht taxi fare home and walked her down to get her safely in a taxi. As we walked hand in hand from the Hotel to the corner to get a taxi some guys were standing around and I overheard one say ‘sexy lady’. I remember thinking ‘God take me now it doesn’t get any better than this’. Or so I thought. Some people got out of a taxi and before ‘Bon’ got in I leant over and gently whispered in her ear ‘korpkunkup’. She took my face with both hands and kissed me gently on the lips and sweetly whispered, ‘korpkunkar’, bye, in my ear and got in the taxi. Please, if anyone bumps into my beautiful ‘Bon’ at the bar at Pharaohs near the ‘school girl’ room, the bar where they play Connect Four and Jackpot games at Nana Plaza tell her Michael from Sydney Australia (the night the coach hit the taxi). wants his heart emailed back to him or failing that, he will be back in January 2010 to get it back personally.

Stickman's thoughts:

Another Westerner is sold in Thailand.

nana plaza