Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 224

  • Written by Dana
  • August 29th, 2009
  • 21 min read


WHO ISN'T WRITING: ANNOUNCEMENT, VISION, RETRIBUTION

Who isn't writing? Yes, who is not writing about the Thai-farang scene and the Thai-farang personal experiences they have gone through? I write Thai thoughts and anecdotes of a personal kind and others do also. I now consider it a literary genre in the making. But what of the non-contributors? What's their excuse? And more to the point, what should be their punishment? All taking and no giving? That's not right. Stay tuned: it's Dana Time.

There used to be a contributor in the Comments section of a website called Tomatosauce.com called Dicer. If he was half as smart as he thought he was, he was the smartest farang in the Kingdom. By a Dicer mile. He posted long, dense, academic, Thai culture knowledgeable discourses that hit hard and cut like a knife. Making friends was not his mission. His mission was correcting others, spewing facts, and presenting well argued opinions. An excellent and entertaining writer. When Tomatosauce.com went down Dicer disappeared. Well, where's Dicer and why isn't he writing? He has a responsibility.

And for that matter, why isn't David of Tomatosauce.com making Thai thought and anecdote contributions? He has a responsibility and he is abdicating that responsibility. This is not right. He was clever and original and fun. I guess he thinks he is too good for the rest of us that might benefit from hearing his opinions and his experiences. He should change his name from David to Let-Them-Eat-Cake.

Fanta. Ever heard of Fanta? Second only to Dicer in alpha male intelligence. Easily the only person I will meet in my lifetime who knows about the Eisenhower highway building program in the United States. Spooky smart. When I told him I bound up my first draft submission printouts in copper wire he knew exactly why. He asked me why I bound up my first draft printouts with copper wire but it was only a conversational courtesy–he knew. Why isn't he contributing to the Thai-farang literary scene literary genre? Too good for us? Beware the karma wheel Fanta. Your time will come.

I have a friend in Pattaya named Gary. This guy is one of my personal heroes and he has been through a hundred interesting experiences as an expat in the last seven years. Total number of submissions? You could count them on the toes of a three legged cat. That's not right. Where's the sharing? What happened to male bonding? I'm afraid there is trouble ahead for Gary. Shocking details to follow. Gary is a big tough guy but history never loses and he is about to . . . well, shocking details to follow.

The guy (forgot his name) who used to own the Electric Blue bar on Walking Street in South Pattaya . . . nothing. Not a peep. No writing. He'd probably tell me he is too busy hustling to set up and run other bars to be able to find the time to write things down. Nonsense. Selfish. He has so much to give and we get nothing. Wrong Wrong Wrong. And in the same category of bar owners–how about BOSS HOGG? Thailand should actually pass a law against this guy holding back but so far . . . nothing. Outrageous. Disrespectful to the rest of us.

Dave the Rave of the Angelwitch bar in Bangkok has been in the trenches for years. Few stories. Would it kill him to do four hundred words per week of a personal nature to dazzle and entertain us? Apparently, yes. Selfish. No time? Give me a break. What does he do besides make bargirl show announcements and pound down drinks in his big fancy office like some Russian oil billionaire? Come to think of it–I have never even seen scuff marks on the bottoms of his shoes. He doesn't even walk around in the bar. He has other people do that for him. Verdict: he's got the backlog of experiences, he's got the time; and he is not doing his part to make sure the archive of history is complete. Are we, the mongers of the world going to take this kind of disrespect? Well, I for one . . . details to follow. Remember, the title of this essay included the word retribution.

I haven't personally seen his office at Angelwitch Bar Central (ABC) in Bangkok but I have heard from a reliable source (the whore with AIDS in the car park of the Mothership) that it has a topless Malay bartender with a 44" bust and a green dyed python turban, blind Burmese money counters, Chiang Rai flower pressers making his own personal cologne, and Carnival Fun House mirrors that make him look taller. Wouldn't you think under those conditions that he would have time to write some personal thoughts and anecdotes for the monger community? What kind of indifferent, selfish, uncaring person is this–and what should we do about it? How do you spell 'punish the bastard' in Thai? What is really egregious and offensive is how small his bar is and yet he still whines he has not got the time. I don't want to say the Angelwitch Bar is small but I've got a walk-in closet here on Beacon Hill for trannie underpants that is bigger than the Angelwitch. I almost digress. I know what he would say if publically challenged on his non-writing. He would say his website has lots of writing–you know, times that bars are open and stuff. Earth to Dave. If I go to a bar and the door does not open I figure it is closed. Then I go to another bar. End of science lesson.

Sure, he's got that Davetheravebangkok.com website, but you've got to have a Phd. in computer interfacing to use the thing. Good for the age 14 to 20 crowd but how about me? I had to drop out of engineering school at the University of Michigan because I couldn't operate a mechanical pencil, slide a slide rule, or open my own luggage. That's not what we want–tell us a story. Make a commitment. Write something down. Something personal. I can remember words I read forty years ago. Can you remember the Utube you watched two weeks ago?

Look, don't get me wrong; they don't call me Party Animal Dana (PAD) for nothing. I enjoy a Utube of a dog with a giant erection and his head stuck in a bucket staggering around at a Thai child's birthday party as much as the next foreigner. I just don't think it is something we want to show the Martians when they arrive.

Some fools criticize Stickman of Stickmanbangkok.com because he has stuck with mostly text. Well, what he is doing is creating an archive of a place and of a time. Archives count if we count. Do we count? Do our lives and our times count? I think they do. The Stickmanbangkok.com website is stockpiling for history. This takes caring, and a view to history, and contributors in text. Where are the writers? Forty years from now social historians are going to be interviewing Stick regarding his contributions to Thai-farang history. Is anyone going to be interviewing the guy who created the Utube of a squirrel waterskiing?

There is a human misanthrope who owns a bar near the corner of Walking Street and South Pattaya Road in Pattaya. Look for the birdcages hanging over the sidewalk. One look at his experience ravaged face and you know he has ten thousand interesting stories to tell. Number of submissions so far? Zero. Zippo. Nada. Goose egg. I have contacted the United Nations and Interpol. This is now a criminal matter.

Union Hill. Union Hill writes wonderful short stories of the

'The Wife Was Out–I Went To A Bar–I Met A Smiler–I Woke Up With A Hangover'

kind. Great stories. Classics. But he doesn't write frequently enough. He's a long term expat with a Thai wife. Thousands of story possibilities. Once in a while we get a story–like he's throwing crumbs to pigeons. Is that it Mr. Hill? You think the rest of us are just pigeons? Jerk.

Ever heard of Chiang Mai Kelly? Of course you have. Smart expat and daily denizen of the smiley girls part of Pattaya town and geography south. Also a schoolteacher. He does write submissions, sometimes engagingly illustrated, but not enough of them. What is he–Mr. Hard To Get? Why doesn't he just splurge with his writing the way he splurges with his teeruks? Inquiring minds want to know. He knows a lot about Pattaya health clinics, the best places to find the cleanest bathrooms, red light district special knowledge and special people situations, and Pattaya after hours places. We need this information. Mongers have rights and his refusal to disseminate this information is a crime. Some of his emails to me here at Dana Central regarding schoolteacher classroom experiences were very funny. But why just me? Why isn't he making weekly contributions on the net? What is he waiting for–a letter from the Nobel committee, or a MacArthur grant? This guy is a slacker. I have notified the police on behalf of an up-and-coming class action lawsuit that will include all interested and deserving mongers in 189 countries including the Vatican. This guy is going down. Details at the end of this announcement.

Hey, and who can forget 500 Baht Walt who spends eight months of the year anchoring the chairs in the lobby of the Mothership. Four months as a lobby lizard in the Nana Hotel of Bangkok–four months in Hawaii which is his home–and then another four months back at the Nana. I worship and envy this guy's lifestyle. I know Newton and Milton and Einstein were smart guys–but 500 Baht Walt is a genius. But here is the big fat problem. Eight months of the year observing the goings on in the Nana Hotel–the Mothership for God's sake–and he's got nothing to write about? Shameful. SHAMEFUL. Who isn't writing? 500 Baht Walt isn't writing–that's who. I love this guy like a three hundred pound Japanese panda bear but I'm afraid the day of his reckoning is nigh. The karma wheel has stopped spinning and landed on him. Sorry Walt–this issue is bigger than you.

There is a crap hotel on Soi 11 off Sukhumvit in Bangkok called the Federal Hotel. Interested in mold, mildew, and dirt? This is where you do your Phd. field research. It's kind of a cult hotel for guys who think people still want to hear sentences with the words CIA, Cold War, and MacArthur in them. Guys on the cusp of being losers. But these guys have had a lot of Thai-farang experiences. Are any of these guys doing any writing? Nope. Losers. Don't worry Dana fans and writing fans, their punishment is coming. Stay tuned.

Here's my plan for these non-contributors at the Federal Hotel. We'll raid the hotel at 3 a.m. Myself and my associates will be wearing women's hair nets with plastic plants stuck in them from the Marriott Hotel lobby, holding those big huge squirt guns you see during Songkran with flashlights held on with duct tape, and wearing camo face paint and flak jackets cut from Landmark Hotel pool beach chair mats. When these Federal Hotel losers see the face paint and the duct taped flashlights they'll surrender, load themselves into the truck, and start the trip to Pattaya. Then we'll bulldoze the crap hotel and build a park for kids. Why do I do this? Because I care.

Are there other guys who need to be hunted down like a dung beetle chasing a wildebeest turd? Other guys who should be writing or should be writing more frequently, but who are not writing or writing frequently enough? Yes there are. Below is a partial list. Names that just fell out of my head. No need to email me if you do not see your name. We are working a list. Your name is probably on the list.

1. BEERASIA — fun and informative articles on beers to be found in the Kingdom. And then . . . nothing. Did this writer stop drinking beer? I doubt it.

2. Dr. J.A. Earnshawe BScPhD — funny and spot-on mimicry. So what happened to this guy? Mystery.

3. Gates of Paradox — ok, I'll admit it; I'm not sure which I like best, his writing or his Internet name. Anyway, he owes us. He should never have stopped writing. Are we going to take this abuse? No we are not.

4. IndyUK — wonderful writer. British alpha male expat. His article titled SCAVENGERS is a classic and a personal favorite. I believe in this guy and I believe he should be writing essays and stories weekly. What is it about the British anyway? Snobs. Anyway, he can run but he can't hide and soon Dana Enterprises will have him writing again. History and mongers demand it.

5. Jimmy Blonde — stories of homelife with Thai wife and child. Charming. So where has this guy been lately? He owes us.

6. Steve Rosse — a published writer whose books I have enjoyed. His 'waiter' story is wonderful. Ask him for the title. This numnut has stopped making contributions. A crime.

7. Sick Water Buffalo — met him briefly at the first Stickman Writer's Party and could not spend as much time with him as I would have liked to. This guy is the source and the well. Try his submission titled: A Matter Of Perception. So where as he been lately? I tell you, I really have to practise breath control and dig down deep when I consider this guy. He should be writing something for the monger community every week.

8. Frank Visakay — lots of fun with fiction. I blocked this guy years ago for some reason, but what the hell–sooner or later I block everybody. If memory serves he made some comment about how I might have improved my writing. Nobody has to deal with insane people so I blocked him. I have blocked Korski so many times I do not even have to hit the keys on the keyboard anymore. All I have to do is think the thought and the computer automatically blocks him. Anyway, Frank is a good guy and a good writer. And now, apparently, too good for the rest of us. Look over your shoulder Phuket boy–we are gaining on you.

9. Pothole Research — Yes I know he is still writing under a different Internet name; but his recent stuff is with a car and a girl instead of a single man bouncing around in rural areas on a motorbike. I miss the old days. I think it is too bad he let the Pothole Research franchise go. Clever title and wonderful travel reading. Hey, and this guy is a bigger snob than I am. Always nice to have someone to look up to.

10. Foster Foskin — funny and skillful writing. And why did this guy stop making contributions to the important burgeoning category of Thai-farang literature? Probably a mental problem. Ya hear things. Anyway, don't worry Dana fans–he is on the list. We will track him down and take care of business.

11. The Hanonian — not Thai centric material so much as observations from Vietnam but I miss him. Why haven't we heard from him the way we should have? Well, I happen to know that the building he owns in Saigon has a girl's school in it. Nuff said. Still it would be nice to get more input from him. I have a solution to this problem. Keep reading.

12. And lastly, Anonymous. This guy seems to be everywhere on the Internet but even he has not been making the kind of contributions that will benefit and entertain us they way he should be. Don't worry. He is now on the Dana screen. His ass is grass and I am the lawnmover. Look for more great stories and observations from him in the future.

There are many others abdicating their responsibilities to inform and to entertain by writing essays and stories on the Internet. Fortunately–you have me: Dana. I have obtained funding and my straw buyers have just purchased the first building on the north side of the Royal Cliff Garden condo development property in South Pattaya. Stop your motorbike on the top of the hill near the helicopter landing pad and it is the first building you see. IT IS BEING CONVERTED INTO A PRISON. You heard me. You read the words. IT IS BEING CONVERTED INTO A PRISON. That's right. I'm not messing around. Not writing for the Internet the way you should be? Then you are going to spend some time in the Dana Correctional Facility for Recalcitrant Writers (DCFRW). The procedure will be:

1. Identify
2. Kidnap
3. Incarcerate
4. Educate
5. Pimp slap with wet Thai bus driver's underpants as required.

All incarcerants will be provided with computer, spiral notebooks, pens, dictionary, thesaurus, map of Thailand, World map, Thailand guidebook (National Geographic edition), Thai dictionary and phrase book , autographed leather bound collection of all of my writing, newspapers, TV, radio, and the ability to conduct interviews via email (calls for help will be handled by number 5 — see above). Incoming RW's (recalcitrant writers) will receive eye exams and free eye glasses as required. Additionally, all incoming jackass selfish non-contributors will also receive military style intensive courses in spelling, grammar, punctuation, paragraph construction, page formatting, character and plot line basics, tone, and rhythm. After graduating from these courses willful non-compliance (spelling cat as kat) will be handled by number 5 — see above.

Regarding incidents such as spelling kat for cat: we don't recognize psycho-babble and psycho-behavioral categories like 'slow learner' or 'mentally unbalanced'. So just act like a man and start writing. All bills come due and you owe us. Hear that 500 Baht Walt? And don't even think of gamesmanship. All incidents of serial provocateurism, childish stalling, or bogus slow learning will be punished. You will be forced to wear the wet underpants of Thai bus drivers. Fanta, who thinks he is smarter than everybody else, and won't let anyone forget it; will be forced to wear wet Thai bus driver underpants on his head. This is the Dana Correctional Facility for Recalcitrant Writers. Wake up and smell the seatless crapper next to your bed.

And I won't state that we treat everyone equally. To each according to his needs and some Dana Correctional Facility prisoners will need more attention than others. Hear that Union Hill? Some guys have reputations that precede them and you can read their smartass attitudes on their faces. We are on those guys like dogs on a bone. The Dana Correctional Facility for non-contributing Thai-farang scene writers is the first incarceration and re-education facility of it's kind. We are visionaries. We are karma connected. We are lovers of all things monger. We are historians. We are humanitarians. And we have an endless supply of wet Thai bus driver underpants.

Full of ego are you? Having clever thoughts and thinking of fleeing before we catch you? Well, for those of you that are Pattaya geography ignorant, there is a helicopter pad next to the prison. Next time you motorbike to the top of the hill to look at the Royal Cliff Garden condos look to your left. Perfect placement. We have the ability to bring in fleeing non-contributors from all over Thailand, and from all over the world.

Example: Marc Holt

Mr. Marc Holt made many text contributions over the years. He was an example of the kind of Thai-farang scene recorder history needs. Then he started to slow down . . . then he fled to Australia. I think he fled to Australia because he saw the future. Also, I had casually mentioned this prison idea to him one night at the Old Dutch restaurant on Soi Cowboy. I don't want to say that this guy left the Kingdom in a hurry but he was, just like the Devil:

Runnin' so fast–
He passed a soi dog
With a road flare up it's ass.*

* Milton, Paradise Lost, 1667

Anyway, I guess it's just all about him now. We're just buckets of dirt to him. He'd rather twiddle his bilabong than answer the call of history and do the right thing for other men all over the world. Well, we have a special writing cell put aside for him called the Holtarium. Best just to turn yourself in Mr. Holt. We know where you are and we are working down the list. When you hear the sound of rotor blades . . . it is me. Start running Bilabong Boy.

And these are just some of the high profile writers from the past who actually found time in their busy days to sit down and write something, edit, proofread, and hit the Send button. What of the hundreds of thousands of other expats and visitors to the Kingdom who never wrote anything about their experiences or about their opinions? Our current list at Dana Enterprise headquarters here on Beacon Hill in Boston has 50,000 names. Like I said we are working a list.

Will they be able to get out once they are incarcerated in the Dana Correctional Facility for Recalcitrant Writers? Of course–all it will take is 300 stories and/or essays on the Thai experience posted on the Internet. We call this the 300 Stories to Freedom program. The condo building converted to a prison will hold one hundred of these selfish bastards at a time. Let's see: one hundred 'writers' times 300 submissions equals 30,000 contributions to the Thai-farang literary genre. And of course there will be constant rotation as some writers earn their freedom and new slackers are brought in. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking–how do I think of these things? Genius.

Note: Sometimes you hate to lean on a guy but rules are rules. Darwin and Dana says no favorites. To wit: Bernie Tuppin. Bernie Tuppin, Charity Chairman at the Pattaya Sports Club is a living legend of farang philanthropy. He is another one of my personal heroes. From the top of the Thailand social hierarchy maybe down to your half-Thai family his tentacles of kindness have reached everywhere. Randomly pick any one thousand farang and their combined good deeds in the Kingdom do not equal the good works Bernie as initiated or participated in. And he has written the odd piece, essay or story, on his experiences. But not enough. Not nearly enough. Not enough writing. Imagine the fantastic archive we would have by now if Bernie had just written 400-800 words on every 'good work' project he had been involved in on behalf of the Thais. Valuable information, entertaining reading, and a lie put to the idea that foreigners have no value in the Kingdom. Sorry Bernie, you are going to be rounded up also. Rules are rules. Look at it this way–while you are pounding out 'catch-up' stories and essays in prison based on your experiences and based on your opinions, you will be temporarily off cigarettes and off beer and off your 300 baht ladies. It will be good for you. A form of medicine. Tough love pal. Start writing.

Anyway, mongers and Dana fans, no need to thank me. I do this because I am not the kind of person to abdicate my responsibilities. I do it for me, and I do it for you, and I do it for humanity. Bye-the-way, you might be wondering who is going to run the Angelwitch Bar while Dave the Rave is in prison working on his 300 Stories to Freedom program. I accept the nomination.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. Will you be able to visit these slackers while they are in prison and typing like they are monkeys dancing on hot coals? Of course you will be able to visit them. Just contact Dana Enterprises c/o Beacon Hill, Boston and we will schedule tours of the prison. Boom-boom visits are not possible but you will be able to look through soundproof plexiglass door peepholes like looking at animals in a zoo. If someone is not typing or writing please notify the staff. We have ways of dealing with . . . well, just get in touch with one of our guards and he will sound the siren. The honeymoon is over–we ain't fxxxing around. Can we help wives and girlfriends who are not getting enough Boom-Boom, Yum-Yum, or Ow-Ow? Yes, we can. Once again, contact me via Dana Enterprises and I will make sure they get what they need.

Thai Dating, Singles and Personals

Stickman's thoughts:

That's a trip down memory lane, to remember all of these names. Wow, there really is some history building up in this site with the readers' submissions section over 8 years old!