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Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 220

  • Written by Dana
  • August 1st, 2009
  • 5 min read



Porno Playing Cards

The other night I was leaving the 24 hour 'Japanese Keyboards' computer place on South Pattaya Road and I saw Korski. I followed him. Maybe he'd get hit by a car while crossing the street and I could grab his wallet. I'm a dreamer.

As I am following him it is hard not to notice that he is pulling a little red wagon with clipboards, and pads of tear-off survey sheets, and tri-pod camera, and a wire cage with hanging green pendaflex folders, and a new box of beige manila folders, and a laptop computer. A rubber maid's bucket from the Mothership in Bangkok holds various academic tools de trade like stapler, pens and markers, ruler, extra batteries, White-Out, tape recorder, 'Sands-of-Pattaya' hourglass timing device, framed PhD. diploma, and nose hair clippers. On the back of the wagon is a decal that says:

PROFESSORS DO IT WITH A LOT OF WORDS

Where could he be going? We are on the outer flaming rim of a death star red light district known as Walking Street. I suppose it is possible that he is going to a lecture being held at the Superbabies Bar called:

Evolution: Just a Bunch of Wacky Coincidences, or Buddha's Work?

but somehow I doubt it. The mind boggles. Like I said, I followed him. And it wasn't hard. He couldn't negotiate the sidewalk with his wagon so he was in the street going against the traffic, and going against the tourists. Professor Korski is tall and the children's wagon had a short handle so he was kind of bent over and shuffling while pulling the thing. If I ever see a photo of something like this titled: Professor on Sabbatical–I'll believe it. I'll believe anything now.

Some visual experiences in your life can be so glorious, and so meaningful, and so soul filling that you say:

"I've been to the mountaintop."

Captain Cook first sighting the orange and green and purple mountains of Tahiti with the black volcanic sands contrasting with the pale blue lagoon.

The first man to top Mount Everest looking out and down on the rest of the planet. Vistas of glacier and snow and oxygen deprived air making him earn every second of it.

Adam's first sight of Eve without her fig leaf.

Well, the sight of Korski on this dark spooky urban night pulling his wagon against the traffic and against the crowd like a lost salmon made me say:

"I've been to the valley."

Anyway, he goes down South Pattaya Road, turns left on Walking Street, and then cuts right and enters the Polo Lounge. Like a dog with too many scent trails to follow I got distracted and ended up in a bar across the street listening to live jazz-rock and staring at the lady bartender. She was short (ok, she wasn't even that tall), shaped like a paint can, big legs, and a player. I'm starting to have fantasies and then her boyfriend comes in.

Back to Korski. I find him in the back of the Polo Lounge surrounded by four bright-eyed Thai women with tight flat brown stomachs, little tiny belly buttons, and small waists. I push through the wall of blank-brained estrogen and as God is my witness Korski has a clipboard in hand and he is asking them survey questions.

The next day I spotted him on the Beach Road boardwalk pulling old lottery tickets out of trash cans.

Me: So Korsk (I call him Korsk), why the survey questions the other night for the girls?
Korski: Well Dana, I never got over being shy with girls as a kid. This survey/questionnaire routine gives me some dignity and some structure while I work up the nerve to say:

ME HORNY–BIG WALLET–LUF YU

So academic protocols have come to the monger world. Can this intellectual approach be carried too far? Opinions differ. Consider this by Robert I. Levy in his book Tahitians: Mind and Experiences in the Society Islands:

"My own thinking was influenced by Freudian models of personality organization, by neo-Freudian criticisms and developments of psychoanalytic concepts, and by more recent aspects of behavioral and cognitive theory, particularly the work of Gregory Bateson. To try to make the topics chosen for inquiry comparable to those of standard psychodynamic concern, I used a check sheet of psychodynamic constructs developed by the Institute for Human Development at the University of California at Berkeley. This was used to supplement psychological constructs suggested by various writers, by my own interests, and by the pilot field study. These various constructs (e.g. "identification," "pathology," "internalized behavioral controls") guided me in constructing a questionnaire, or more properly check sheet, based in part on suggestions from a question schedule used by the Institute for Human Development. This comprised a minimal set of topics to be covered in the open-ended psychodynamic interviews given during the latter part of the fieldwork. Discussion was guided into certain areas, and items on the check sheet which had not been spontaneously discussed were systematically brought up."

I called up Bob (aka Robert Levy) and asked him:

Me: So Bob, what does this quote mean?
Robert: Simple Dana, I never got over being shy around girls as a kid. This mind set construct (white people talkin') keeps me on track and gives me the time to work up the nerve to say:

ME HORNY–BIG WALLET–LUF YU

Me: I notice you use a check sheet questionnaire survey method.
Robert: Got to.
Me: Ever heard of Professor Korski?
Robert: No comment.

So Dana fans and Stickman fans and seekers after monger truth maybe I should use this check sheet question survey clipboard method of Korski's and Bob's to chat up lively girls in the skank-whore-cruiser-prostitute category. I've been showing them sex position porno playing cards but maybe the academic approach would be better. I imagine my survey question sheet would look something like this?

Dana is a God Yes/No
Anal Yes/No
500 Baht Yes/No

I think that covers it. I'll let you know how it works.

Stickman's thoughts:

Unusual…