It Happens All the Time; Just Not Very Often
Bar girls, love, happiness, the whole nine yards. It happens all the time. The odds are certainly against it happening (about the same as seeing Bigfoot, or a unicorn) but it does happen.
Much like all relationships, certain things that are really beyond our control must occur, but really it boils done to realistic expectations, and mutually supporting goals. Two individuals who seemingly share these concepts have to have a chance encounter. To add even more trouble to the mix, both parties have differing objectives, yet are inter-twined. One wants sex, the other wants money. This forms the premise of the relationship.
In my opinion bar girls come in three flavors. If you pay attention you can quickly determine who is who, and what is what.
The first type is a true professional. She is beautiful, and sexy. She knows it. You can tell by her confidence more than anything. She has several sponsors, she has a condo, and her phone is way better than yours. You have no chance, relationship-wise. This woman will crush you.
At the other end, and the one who many think is the best option is the new-arrival. Her clothes are borrowed, and her English is poor. The entire process is bewildering to her. I personally don’t like these girls, as they are just hard to figure out, and their goals don’t align with mine.
I like the huge middle ground. These gals are pros in every sense in the word; however, to them this is just a fun job they are working for a short span (1-5 years) in their lives. Contrary to western media and as most of you already know, being a bar girl is fun. The money is good, and the opportunity to party with your friends every night is fun. Who wouldn’t want to do that in your 20’s (or 50’s if possible)? Do they dream of finding Mr. Right and having a semblance of a normal life? You bet they do.
Part of the problem is that almost always we are at several different levels of Maslow’s needs. We as Farangs are generations removed from being concerned about physiological needs to exist. More often than not we have passed through safety, and are in varying degrees between love and belonging, and self-actualization. A lot of this is because we have resources, and we are usually older, and more experienced.
Bar girls exist in between physiological and safety. They have grown confident that all physiological needs can be met, but are extremely cautious of their safety needs being met. Safety needs being security of body, of employment, of resources, of family, and of health. Until these needs are fulfilled, the idea of love and belonging as we imagine them simply cannot be anticipated.
I feel somewhat guilty that I venture to say, as a generalization, I don’t think the top layers of Maslow’s needs can even be applied to SE Asia. Esteem (self-esteem, respect for self, the respect for others, achievements) and Self-actualization (Morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, and acceptance of facts.) are simply needs that Thais seem devoid of. That pains me to make a statement like that. I know it offends many, and I welcome debate and enlightenment on the subject.
Ok, so we are at different levels of human needs. So what? These simply put, are goals. Her goal is to fulfill her needs; your goal is most likely to fulfill your desires. The two simply cannot mutually support each other for an extended time.
Now the complication begins. You have started out as a business relationship and now you're wondering if there is a chance for something more. The answer is absolutely, YES. But first we need to decide what the expectations are? For you, if you’re reading this, is probably sex? You like her because she is sexy. For her, it is money. As long has these two are uninterrupted happiness is likely.
The problem comes from an interruption of services and the almost inevitable infidelity. I’ll address infidelity, as I think it is the biggest killer of Farang/Bar girl relationships. She’s a hooker and you’re a customer. What do you think is going to happen? If you have expectations that either one of you is going to be faithful, your going to be hurt.
The scenario often is: You ask her to be faithful to you, and then you go back to whatever stark, sex-starved existence you came from. Celibacy is really easy for you, and it is not self-imposed. You spend all your time worrying if your sweet little Tirak is being faithful to you. She isn’t. It has nothing to do with her loving you (she does). It has everything to do with making money. You’re gone and the opportunity to make money presents itself in the form of another customer. It really has nothing to do with you. It is fun, and it is money. These are her goals. I have met countless bar girls who tell me about their boyfriends. They sincerely love their boyfriends, and are quite happy with them. They don’t really plan on going with a customer, but when the opportunity arises, are they a bad person?
Let’s look at another reason the relationship goes badly. We are men in Thailand. We meet a sexy girl, take it to the next level, and things are great, until she goes back home to see her Mom, and you wander out-and-about. Spare you the details, but it often involves you not answering your cell phone, oh and you being with a hooker. You’re a man, you love small Asian girls, and you’re alone in Bangkok. What was your tirak's expectation?
The solutions? Set realistic expectations. These relationships are the most exciting you will ever have in your life. Just don’t expect them to last forever. Does this make them any less real or powerful? No. It is just goals were not aligned. Money and sex are powerful magnets that have always drawn people to each other. They just happen to be horrible foundations to base a long-term relationship on. The money always runs out, and the sex always gets boring.
Are bar girls sinister, money-grubbing, liars? Some are, most aren’t. Are men, sex starved, whore chasers, and binge drinkers? Well… Two people meet in an environment which supports both interests (sex and money) Great times are had. You both are creatures of your environments, and few things can change that. As long as both of your expectations are realistic, it can be one of the most interesting times of your life. Love, love is a joke. Passion, thrills, living, oh yeah you’ll get all of that you could ever dream of.
However, to coin a phrase from the younger generation, and one I find very fitting for bar girl relationships. “Keep it real my man, keep it real.” She’s always going to be about the money, and you’re always going to be about the sex.
You’re both good people in your separate ways, and when brought together great times and fun are destined to ensue. But remember, and take comfort in knowing, the light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long – and you have burned so very, very brightly.
“ It is only life, we all get through it.”
Note: I hate money and love the human experience. Bar girls align perfectly.
I liked this quote from your article – "The money always runs out, and the sex always gets boring." Oh so true!