Battlefield Cyberspace: A Thai girl’s story-Part 2
Until then..I had been in relationship with this American man for a year and half already (continued from Part 1)
Michael and I continued our precious relationship like that, spending a few hours or more almost every day on msn. If I knew in advance I was not going to be available I would let him know or call him in the last minute. I cared about him and didn’t want to keep him waiting. I knew the feelings. It happened often that I spent my whole morning waiting for him online but he didn’t show up. He said I should not expect him everyday as it was his night time and some nights he’d fallen as sleep early. That’s true. I should not be upset or sad when I didn’t see him online.
Through our relationship I always discovered something new about him; like his family background, his previous relationships or his interests. The guy was full of surprises even sometimes they’re not positive ones. I found it interesting yet I couldn’t help thinking I thought I knew this man very well but in reality it was still unclear to me who the real Michael was. He was quite a secretive man who always kept both past and present stories with himself when feeling it’s not necessary to tell or not related to our relationship. Unlike me, I told him every single thing. I am not sure if it’s too much and maybe I have said things I should not have. I just wanted to be honest and wanted him to do the same. I wanted the 100 % truth even it hurts. He had always been like that.
He would email or tell me the next day after he had done something wrong or might hurt me. He once slept with a woman who was his childhood friend. That was just sex and was the first time after we met last time in Bangkok. Understood our current situation I was not there to give him that. He’s only a man, desire couldn’t easily be resisted. I was not angry at him or anything. I appreciated him telling me the truth and I loved him even more. I was not worried about that knowing he knew what he was doing. I told him he could but stayed safe and kept me informed.
No lies, no dishonest..anything else goes. Maybe I was wrong with that rule…
He still had to see his doctor every two month and as he was living in a small city in Houston he had to fly over New York for doctor visit. As Taylor’s girlfriend was also working there he would take that chance to see her as well.
“Should I worry about that?” I asked for fearing he might fall for her as at that time his friend had passed away and the woman was single. Plus she was also Asian, his preferred type.
“No Sweetheart..you never have to worry about it. I just want to say hi to her” He said.
I trusted him.
Jan 09. He went there and stayed for a few days. I was wondering how it went and if there was anything wrong with his health I could not wait for him to get back so we could chat. My instinct told me something was going on and I was right. He told me that he had a confession. He met the woman who was a nurse that his friend, Taylor, met while being medicated at the hospital and eventually started relationship with her a while before he died. I talked to her a few times. She was nice and a beautiful woman. They met for dinner but at the end the woman asked him to stay over night with her in her apartment as she was so lonely and still sad because of the loss of her boyfriend. Michael honored her offer, the first night and other three nights.
“Did you have sex with her?” I asked even though I already knew the answer.
“Yes I did, but it just happened naturally. It wasn’t planned before” He said.
It hurt me to listen how he couldn’t resist her because she was a very nice woman and was beautiful. It was just sex he excused. He admitted he attracted to the woman’s personality and that’s the reason why he paid the hotel for nothing and never get to use it a night. I asked if he was going to see her again and he said yes probably. Her name was Linda, a Filipina woman who was at the same generation as me. He said the next time he visited the doctor would the next time he met her too…
However, it came back sooner than I ever expected.
I kept that story in my mind and was wondering what I was going to do if they met each other again. The woman was desperate and he was just there at the right time. While I was here there’s no way I could stop them. I knew it is hard for men to resist beautiful women. I just wished his feeling for me was stronger than the desire in her.
Three weeks later he lost contact with me once again. Days after days I was waiting for him on msn but he never came. I called him he never picked up. It was like that for a week, no news. I was wondering what happened and if he had an accident. The end of that week I called again, he picked but I was asked to call back in one hour. I did, but no body was there anymore.
The next day on the chat: “Why you never gave me news or picked up my calls?” I asked.
He didn’t answer my question but said this instead. “Someone was here last weekend, in fact; she was here since Wednesday.”
“What..?” I could not believe what I read. It happened so quickly. He said, the woman got long holidays and asked if she could fly over Houston to see him. He didn’t invite her and didn’t pay for her ticket that is what he told me. But he accommodated her well and even off work to take her around. She was even introduced to his family..What should I think?
I asked him if he knew what he was doing. That was too much and was then not acceptable anymore. The argument started and it was difficult for me to stay calm. That was the reason of his silence and not taking my calls. I asked him if he loved her and he denied it. He only said if the woman was not that nice he would have told her to go away and never contacted him again. But the fact that she was so nice made it difficult to ignore her. To be honest I didn’t dare to ask him to choose for fearing he might choose her. There was no other solution he could offer.
”Do you want to stop with me now?” He asked.
I didn’t answer but I said he pretended to be the others because he wanted to taste me and my real feelings for him. Months I was kept crying knowing he had gone but suddenly he’s back just to hurt me the bigger time.
He said “You know what, that is true. I think we should stop so you don’t have to put up with this shit anymore. I can’t stop seeing her I am telling you now”. Honest and frank, that was his style..
”We need to talk you just can’t leave me like this” I begged him.
“Well we have” and he logged off.
Surprisingly he had changed a lot. Hours later after wiping off all my tears I sent him an email apologized for being impolite. Knowing I could not live without him. It hurt me then the woman was slowly taking my place. I reminded him about the past and what how we had been for each other. Hoping he knew who loved him the most.
The next morning he came and asked me if I already felt better. We avoided that topic of him and the woman. He just said, he wanted to be totally honest but if I didn’t feel comfortable with that he would never tell me anything again (and he never did until the last minute.) Weeks passed he didn’t seem to give any clue of the relationship between him and that woman. He said, she called him once a week only and they didn’t spend long time on the phone while he spent his night time with me almost every night chatting and hoping I could see who was more important to him. I was relieved. Anyway I also knew they would meet the next time he visited the doctor. But that would be in May, which was after his second trip to me. I hope our closeness and the love he would feel here would hold him back and give him strength to resist another woman.
“I really do love you M, with ALL my heart” He repeated this every time I started to doubt him.
“I love you too ka.” I really meant it.
April’09. He flew to Bangkok and we met again after another year of waiting and I once gave up. He looked healthier than the last time I saw him but again he got sick because of long flight and the pollution in Bangkok. This time he could stay longer than last time and I would make sure every second spent with him was precious. We spent most of the time in an elegant hotel room beside the Chaopraya river. No, not doing that certain thing but just stay close and spent moment together. I asked if he still in contacted with Linda. He said no and it’s over. A few days ago she called him and asked if she could come to visit him again. He said no as he was coming to me. They talked, he told her that was not right. He loved me and planed to marry me and what they both were doing had hurt me. He wished her the best and said goodbye before catching his flight to BKK seeing me. The woman understood and accepted that. That’s what I was told by the man I love. He told me this when we were lying in bed together, looking into his sincere eyes and feeling his warm arms around my body I really believed what he was saying was true. Maybe it was maybe it was not. I don’t know.
I thought about the woman. I talked to her a few times before but since she knew I discovered that she was trying to steal my boyfriend she refused to talk to me again. It must be painful for her when he told her that. Michael told me I took it too hard-the story between him and her even he kept telling me that it was just sex with a nice woman. She was really nice that’s no doubt and if he was not in love with me he could easily fall in love with her. But he had always loved me and from this moment on I never had to cry because of that anymore. Yes I trusted him once again and thank someone above for bringing my love back to me. I loved him so much.
He prepared all visa papers and asked me to fill them.
“It’s time for you to come to the US” He said. It would take a while for me to get a visa so we both had to be patient. I told him I had been waiting for him a long time and never got tired of it so it was not going to be any problem to wait longer. I would wait as long as I still loved him and he still loved me.
He requested to see my family and my little girl he had been waiting to spend time with. I was glad and happy to see he treated my baby the same way he treated his own. He was officially introduced to my mom, the only family I had, as my boyfriend. Mom said he looked too good for me. I don’t know what she meant, perhaps that well-manner and that somewhat wise man look convinced her that. I was happy we finally did it rightly.
“I will be back on November, I promise and let’s see Phuket” he said before leaving. This is the second promise, the empty promises. I didn’t drop him at the airport as he asked me not to. He said it gave both terrible feelings and he hated that.
Everything seemed to be going perfect..
We kept chatting to each other excepted on the weekend that I would call him. Since we had been in relationship it’s me who put all effort in our love and did everything to keep it strengthened. Closeness is needed in relationship especially in ours. It saddened me to realize that lately it’s me who kept doing that most of the times. It’s much cheaper for him to call me than me calling him but he hardly did. I understood that he might think we talked online enough each week and it’s not necessary to call. I don’t know. The fact that our generation is quite far make it difficult to understand him sometimes. I comforted myself by thinking that he’s much older than me and been through many relationships before, he had probably got tired of calling his girlfriends. Like we saw different color in our love, he just didn’t see it pink like I did..There is no reason to make a story out of it. I just had to accept the way it was. Well I loved the guy and as long as I could not stop loving him so easily, what else could I do but learning to live with it.
One month after he’s back to the US I encountered some problems at work and I had to work hard on it. The company I was working for had a big problem with budget and unfortunately, I was one among those who had to leave. It really gave me hard time and stress. It’d been two weeks that I was gone for a peace of mind. I didn’t go anywhere, but I just couldn’t anymore sit in front of the computer chatting with him while I was feeling so lost. I’d rather not tell him that. However, I always left him messages and called him even he never picked up. I told him I was having a big problem at work, but there was never a message back. There was no question. I wondered if he cared, well he didn’t seem to. I got him on the phone once after he’s back from his doctor visit already. I wanted to know if everything went well at the hospital and in fact; I wanted to know if he had met that Filipina woman again. However, I didn’t ask.
Me: Take care and I will call you later. Good night.
Me: I love you.
Michael: (Silent)..Bye.. (and hung up)
He might have forgotten to say”I love you too Sweetheart” as usual. Never mind I shouldn’t think much about it. I was used to it. I must be patient when I love this man I kept telling myself that. I happened to love a cruel so no complaints.
Days later I was waiting for him on the chat for hours but he never appeared. I called all numbers but he never picked.. I started to worry and sensed strongly that something was wrong. Day 6th, I called again and like every time it’s kept ringing. I opened my computer expected to write him an email but I saw one from him before I started. How unusual I thought as he hardly wrote me.
“I got married. I said this because I hate when one builds up lots of stories to tell bad news……………………………………….”
With my heart,
The rest are just explanations (excuses) of how we could not be together. He went to see a doctor, he couldn’t avoid seeing her, they stayed together every night, he fell in love with her and brought her back to his city, and she quitted the job there and been hired at a local hospital already preparing to start a couple life together. As strong as his love for me was, his feeling for someone there was too much to resist either. (I should have seen that..) Plus we lost contact while she came closer. They married the week before. He just realized that our relationship was going no where as we stayed way too far from each other while she’s right there. I am young and beautiful and I will eventually find someone who deserves all my love. Forget him and don’t be afraid to move on…
I couldn’t stand reading the whole thing as I just wanted to vomit. One thing I noticed, there was no apology… No sorry like he never did anything wrong to me.
Is that so easy to stop loving someone? I can’t believe it..
It felt like the whole world was collapsed right in front of me. Lots of questions running through my mind. Was he kidding me another time? Why did he do that to me? Did he ever love me at all? Did he really marry her? And etc…
Two years of our strange relationship has ended with his happiness and my sorrow. If he never loved me at all why he wasted lot of time with me? That woman came into the picture less than 6 months and he gave up on us for her. She must be really something. I don’t have much info about her. Well she’s a nurse. His cancer could come back anytime so maybe it’s a benefit to marry her. As a matter of fact; I hardly believe they both got married as that happened so quickly. I was lost. Maybe he got her pregnant, maybe he just wanted to take care of her as she used to be his best friend’s girl or maybe it was simple enough like it’s just a lie made in order to get rid of me. Well whatever it is, it works. They completely got rid of me since the day I discovered this. I don’t know what to think to comfort myself. The fact that I love him pretty much still makes it difficult for me to forget and move on. It hurts here. I wrote him twice after that and in my last email I told him this is another time he married someone without making sure it’s a real love based. I hope she loves him true and as much as I do. But if he gets hurt, and if this marriage fails again just come back to me. I really meant it. There is never a reply from him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me at all or just enjoying his new life there without concerning how I will live after what he has done to me. It seems like our two years together doesn’t mean a thing for him.
I was obviously wrong to think that our precious moment together in Bangkok would hold him back. It still happened that he finally could not resist her and they eventually are meant to be together. Who am I to stop that from happening when closeness is more important than real love? It’s a nature rule. No body’s fault..
I’d like to think he doesn’t know what he has missed and has made a wrong decision to choose her as I truthfully love him so much that I could die for him. But in reality, I am just another loser. He never looks back. How funny it was. He fell in love with me in two weeks and left me in two weeks too. I know that everyone has the right to choose what he wants; I don’t blame him for not loving me enough, not being patient or even leaving me at my most despairing moment. I just wish he didn’t waste two years with me or made me cry lots of tears like this. My best wishes for him. I sincerely wish this will be his last marriage even though I am not so sure about that.
As for me, no more long distance relationship. No more internet dating. I learned my lesson.
True love stays beyond any obstacle including the distance. When one side is weak, the relationship can never come true.. Good luck to all.
It's very nice to hear this whole story from the perspective of a Thai woman. (And yes, for any doubters, this WAS written by a genuine Thai female!)