The Thai Air Force

The Thai Air force seems to be having difficulties to recruit competent pilots and have now introduced a number of secret weapons. These weapons are very effective against foreign insurgents and help to keep The Kingdom of Siam clean from bad influences.

The main weapon is the Culicidae, also known as 'Mozzi'. This is a small flying object which attacks under the cover of darkness. This device is specially programmed to attack white skinned males of the species 'Homo Erecticus' and are able to cause considerable damage to the victim, if he is not careful enough to protect himself by placing the sensitive part of his anatomy into a protective orifice during the night.

A product of Australian origin known as 'RID' is very effective in preventing attacks but has the undesirable side-effect of also repelling certain other creatures known locally under various names such as 'Lek', 'Nok' or 'Wan', due to its extremely pungent odour, thus denying the potential victim the additional use of a protective biological cover.

Certain local perfumes appear to attract the attackers. The air force appears to have programmed its special units to react to 'Singha' or 'Tiger' but users of the brand 'Mekong' remain unscathed. Excessive use of the latter cannot be recommended however, due to side-effects such as nausea and headache (med. hangover). Many visitors to the LOS have developed a method of avoiding these side-effects and may even be seen after dark in several upper class entertainment areas on Sukhumvit, Soi 4, wearing only shorts and muscle shirts which offer no protection whatsoever against mozzi attacks. These experienced individuals use the latter substance as protection, but have developed a cunning strategy to avoid the side-effects. This clever strategy which has been refined over years of research and field tests which caused much suffering for the voluntary test persons, may be summed up in one short phrase.

'Avoid hangovers – stay drunk'

A major secondary weapon is a flying object with a fuselage length of up to 7.5 cm (3 inches for our cousins from over the pond) and two flight surfaces which are protected by an armour of chitin when in the parked position.

This device is a very effective psychological warfare instrument which causes faring female species to scream and run for the next flight home upon sighting. There are unsubstantiated stories in circulation, that the distribution of this device may be influenced by the payment of 'tea money' to a gentleman in a tight fitting brown uniform by Homo Erecticae who have been unlucky enough to have been coerced into transporting their own 'Domina Domestica' to the LOS. Furthermore the stories claim that contact to this gentleman may be established through the staff of any upper class hotel such as the 'Mothership' in Soi Nana.

The local population ('Ba', 'Ning' or 'Bum' etc.) are said to have developed an effective strategy to control these devices. It is rumoured that they wait until the device is on the runway approach (hotel bedroom floor), dismantle the landing gear and eat the fuselage.

• It has been reported from immaculate sources (Mongers Weakly²), that during the development of these weapons, certain mutations leaked out of the top secret secure research facility in Khon Kaen. One of these, the 'Pthirus Pubis', made its way through the barbed way perimeter and has the undesirable effect that it attacks the local population just as freely as the farang target. Large numbers of these mutant weapons have now been transported as far south as Bangkok and Pattaya by migrant female (and shemale) workers. Many international help workers in Bangkok, whose only intention was to help the Thai economy, have, during the course of intensive communication with Thai ladies or UFOs³, been attacked from these mutant devices which cause an itching in the area around the (little) head, rash, and if not treated can lead so secondary infections. For this reason many help workers (mongers) now insist upon complete depilation of their local tour guide before engaging in conversation or contributing to the Thai economy. Many even insist upon performing this task themselves. Performing this service oneself has a number of advantages:-

1. 2 If (s)he was a shemale you may quickly change that with the razor
2. 3 No Pthirus Pubis (Crab Lice).
3. 4 Bond film fans can take it to the limit (total depilation)so that (s)he looks like Grace Jones.

• Footnotes:-

• ² Mongers Weakly ? is a newsletter issued every week in Khon Kaen, free of charge to international helpers born before the 29-Feb-1941.

  ³ UFU= Undefined F*ck Object

  P.S. If you do happen to be the victim of an attack from Pthirus Pubis in Pattaya, then just ship the lady over to the 1st Paragliding barge on the right (starboard side) aft (back).

  There is a huge catapult under construction there, under the supervision of leading engineer, Professor Doctor Monger Dana, and just Pull. Test objects are required. The lady will receive a very good wash ! Professor Doctor Monger Dana (the guy with the green braces and pink shirt) guarantees that the result will be a once in a lifetime experience. You may visit him later at the AA Hotel (1st floor) and order a new bed which is free from Pthirus Pubis.

  PPS

  The description from Professor Doctor Monger Dana comes from absolutely reliable sources in the Nana Entertainment Plaza, 1st floor left, A****witch. I do not usually disclose my sources of information but in this case I do not think that evaR ehT evaD would objections.