Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 218
THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY I AM
Attention expats and newbies and mighty Stickmanites:
It isn't easy being me. Why? Because I am all about morals and doing the right thing totally without regard to any paltry wants and needs I may have. Why I am practically a sacrificial node on the hull of society. I'm not bragging; I'm just sayin'. These are the cards I was dealt. This is my genetic core. This is the way God made me. I get emails here in Boston from all over the world asking me for moral monger advice and when I am in the Kingdom I can barely get from the A.A. Hotel to Swenson's Ice Cream without some chrome dome or German jerkwad wearing socks and sandals asking for advice about the right thing to do in a relationship with a Thai female. I'm not complaining; it's just . . . anyway doing the right thing is my mantra and my mission and my reason for being. Let me give you an example.
It wasn't like any other bar I had been into. Newbies are easily surprised. A big huge cavern of a room with a big huge stage in the middle. Patron capacity in the hundreds; maybe a thousand on New Year's Eve. Continuous shows and the girls were smiling. Choreographed shows and the girls are having fun dancing and showing off. Beautiful girls and oh so many of them. Lots of nudity. Koreans and Chinese and Japs smoking like chimneys, and bewildered Asian tour groups of middle aged and elderly being shuffled in and out.
Usually I would stay until the naked fire swallower came on. She was a big tall girl and the 'swords' were flaming rods she would push down her throat. Hey, you don't see that every day. But when she raised the flaming rods to lower them into her throat the flames were way too close to the ceiling for my comfort level. Swords on fire and flames near the ceiling, only one exit, hundreds of drunk and disoriented people; made me nervous. I would get out.
One night a new show. Twenty girls came out wearing only knee length diaphanous dresses. The kind of dresses you think you can see through. They dance around the stage. I'm waiting for the punch line but it looks as if they are just going to dance around like your daughter did in grade school when she was a water sprite, or a forest fairy, or something in a school play. Maybe a little disappointing.
But wait. Now what? Suddenly they are leaving the stage by stepping onto the round cocktail tables. Going from table to table. A gorgeous woman ends up standing on my table. She puts her dress over my head. She is naked underneath. That's right. You read that correctly. She is naked underneath. Or, if you are a follower of Danaism: sweet Jesus on a cracker; she was naked underneath. How do you feel about dancing forest fairies now? I'll bet you did not have this in your daughter's grade school play.
Anyway, I don't need a tourist guidebook, or a map, or have to be asked twice. I grab her hips and start licking like it is the last pussy on earth. Bald, young, and sweet. Ambrosia. And I am not talking about a desert of oranges and shredded coconut ambrosia. You can get that at the outside terrace restaurant in front of the Oriental Hotel. But you aren't going to get this desert at a fancy hotel in the Kingdom. No waitress at the Landmark or the Shangri-La is going to stand on your table and put her dress over your head. Nectar of the gods. Honey for a human honey bear. I have a friend who thinks girls with big hairy bushes are the best. Proof if we needed it that the insane walk among us. She is shaved and perfumed. Tight and clean. This sweet nectar is sex perfume of the gods and I am dining at the god's banquet hall of Walking Street. After about two minutes she signals that we are done and says:
"You have teeep for me?"
I am green. A newbie. I don't speak Thai, and I can't get around the Thai accent, and I can't puzzle out butchered English. That's my excuse and I am sticking to it. I have no idea what she is saying. Have no idea what the word 'teeep' means. So I just say No. She makes a face and moves on to another table.
Much later I realize with the asteroid epiphany of a moron that 'teeep' was 'tip' and she was saying:
"You have tip for me?"
Oh god honey; I am so sorry. Really, I am sorry. I had no idea what you were saying. I wasn't being a Cheap Charlie; I just had no idea what you were asking. Of course I have a tip for you. But how will I find you again? You don't dance at the bar anymore and I can't remember your face. I only remember what was under your dress.
So there you have it expats, newbies, and Stickman fans: my confession and the prelude to my current lifestyle. To right this wrong and get this angel the tip she deserves I am going to find her. I'm a man on a mission. A soul consumed by a goal. A moral Exocet missile of farang focus. I'm going to find this angel in the only way I know how. I am going to find this angel and give her the 'teeep' she deserves. I am going to right this farang wrong on behalf of all farangs everywhere who only want to be remembered for good and not for evil.
Without a thought for my self, or my needs, or my pleasures; I am going to find this woman if I have to spend the next ten years licking every pussy in Pattaya. I may end up with a scabbed nose for life, and a crippled cramped tongue; but nothing will deter me from doing what is right. And what is right is that I lick every pussy in Pattaya until I find this woman and give her the 'teeep' she deserves.
That's the kind of guy I am.
What a guy Dana is!