Stickman Readers' Submissions July 6th, 2009

David & MJ

Michael Jackson did not die in a hotel room in Bangkok. There was no secret Shaolin sect after him. He was not about to release the “thousand palms technique” to a waiting world. “Beat It” was not written in collaboration with David Carradine nor was it played at his funeral.

He Clinic Bangkok

Searching face whitening on google of course leads one to Thailand or Michael Jackson but there is no evidence he was trying to buy a home in Cambodia from a Bangkok real estate agent.

In spite of the economic crisis or maybe because of it, Thailand is an ideal place for aging stars of the past to retire, make movies and have a last fling.

A death in Thailand is not always news. Some stars had problems. Drug and alcohol addiction, deviant and perhaps illegal sexual proclivities. Small stuff for Bangkok. This is where mass murdering international arms dealers come to buy socks.

CBD bangkok

Dana actually stays at the Nana Hotel and picks up girls from beach road in Pattaya. Dana has major problems.

David or Chuck or Michael, we could have helped you! Why didn’t you read Stickmanbangkok. We heard you had money problems but who doesn’t. We could have helped.

Staying at a five star hotel is not the way to see Bangkok. Especially for celebrities.

Don’t think cameras everywhere and heavy security presence will protect you. This is Thailand man! The more protection means less protection. Talk to the PM if you don’t believe me.

Protection in Thailand is anonymity. Protection in Thailand is low profile. The hotel staff will have erased the tapes and lose the key card records within ten minutes of your demise.

wonderland clinic

Do you start drinking Chang in the morning? It is too damn strong. It’s twice as strong as a Bud and it’s got some preservative in it that gives you a major headache. Did you bring your own stash?

72 isn’t that old but sure too old to toss your own salad. The last case of solo masturbation recorded in Thailand was a French trader in 1746. They built a small shrine to celebrate the event. They would have built a larger shrine but even though he was French and 1746 was a long time ago no one really believed him.

On top of the Chang did you do the blue pill, Indian copy? Or the gel? Damn, that’ll give you a headache too. Did you even know which drug store to buy them at? Did you have a local cell phone? Did you know where to buy one?

Stickmanbangkok has the answers to all of these questions. I know it is a lot of reading but stars have people, they could have read the stuff.

More than just words Stickmanbangkok is a network. Read it and email. Surprising how nice the writers are. Or not surprising, how not nice some are but a network nevertheless. Not the dumb ass ones who sign anonymous instead of a name. Afraid of their own nose hairs and useless as tits on a male crustacean.

Do you know what the four necessary pills that every over 50 western man should carry in his pocket in Thailand are? All you had to do was write me. I would have told you. I might have saved your life.

My poe ga ty. I would have taught you how to say, “my poegaty.” That means kinky. <Actually it means "not normal" or "abnormal" or "unusual" and could be "kinky" in the CM Kelly context 🙂Stick> We could have hooked you up with what you wanted. Easy, safe, “my me bun ha.” No problem.

Which clubs to go to? Where to go? No one would have recognized you. You only had to ask me. Elvis goes there every Tuesday and no one has spotted him in 30 years.

When GW came to town he called me up and we had a hellofa time. Secret service? Ditched them in ten. I got a taxi driver that can out drive a formula one champion.

This is Thailand. This ain’t LA. No one is going to get all coochie cause you want to do something a little different.

You want to tie a rope around your neck and do some sad doh, Cool dude. A little old fashioned but whatever trips your trigger. You do have to be able to say that in Thai. Tell the lady what to do when you start to turn blue. Even if she tells you she speaks English. You better know how to say it in Thai.

Dana has a heck of a problem with his accent. Ow of course means want. Fi my is fire. If he didn’t wear leather pants he would have been scarred for life. He got the “fi my” part right. I have it on good authority that he was bored one night and asked a beach road babe for a hot time. But when she set him on fire he made the mistake of saying ow ow ow. Ow fi my. Of course it hurt (he was on fire) and he said ow. But she thought, he meant, he wanted more fire.

Dana could have told you where to buy leather pants. Leather pants can come in handy in Thailand, especially if you’re a bit on the kinky side. You can even launder buffalo leather in the washing machine. Now that’s a little known fact.

The tabloids are reporting one deceased American had a penis shrine in his room with cutout red panties and a wig and fishnet body stocking. That’s more like it. There is a club in Pattaya where he would have been right at home. No danger no problems everyone is welcome. There are even Vietnamese guys here from the 60’s. Victor Charlie came to Pattaya and never left.

Way back then there were lots of VC here trying to sling satchel charges into the B-52s that were parked at U-Tapao. The American guards wore red hats as I remember it.

If the US guards had been alone it might have worked but they were accompanied by special agents. These special agents were trained to spot infiltrators a long ways away and had super human hearing and smell abilities. They were German Shepherd dogs. Not just any German Shepherd dogs but dogs trained in the Philippines. There are a lot of people who steal things in the Philippines and these dogs had a lot of experience in catching em. Those VC never did succeed and instead opened a bar in Pattaya.

In 35 years the VC mellowed and now most of them wear red cutout panties. There are SAS, CIA, DIA, The Arab Legion, DEA, Delta teams, Seals, Rangers, French Foreign Legion, Green Berets, Red Berets, Black Berets, Swiss Papal guards, Brown Berets, Martyrs Brigades from everywhere, Mercs of all nationalities and I hear there is a big market for cutout panties and fishnet body suits. I listened to a guy who worked for a force so secret he couldn’t even remember who it was. He told me how great red fishnet body suits were for sticking tree branches and leaves in while he crawled into position to shoot people.

Aging stars are invisible here and safe especially if they read Stickmanbangkok. One could have gone into any bar in Pattaya and told all the bar girls he was David Carradine and a Kung Fu movie star and no one would have said anything except, “buy me another drink.”

Heck, Dick Cheney was here last month and no one believed he was Dick Cheney. He even ate dinner at that Iranian restaurant and no one believed him. Dick and his gay daughter were smoking a hookah and watching the beach babes all day and no one even took a picture. One Tom did hit on his daughter but Chuck Norris came by and crushed her skull while a cop gave him a ticket for not wearing a motorcycle helmet.

As I walk down second avenue Pattaya today and peer down the many sois with beer bars every TV is tuned to the BBC where there has been back to back coverage of the MJ death. Bar girls chatter in Thai about how great his nose and white face looked and puffy eyed paunchy Europeans are glued to the TV screen trying to understand African and Indian BBC newscasters as they mourn the passing of a great entertainment legend. Ubu Ugowa, and Abdul Mohammed report on the Cornwallgastonburry music festival where Morris dancers are doing a mookwalk commemorative dance and the Cockney Cricketers are scheduling a Jackson memorial tour to Islamabad.

Thai tourist officials are bemoaning the fact that Jackson did not die in Bangkok and are contemplating offering free visas for any celebrity wishing to die in Bangkok under unusual sexual circumstances.

Stickman's thoughts:

Go easy on Dana. The guy is a legend.

For sure though, the idea that all the info is out there and problems can be avoided if you do your homework and planning in advance seems lost on so many.

nana plaza