Stickman Readers' Submissions July 7th, 2009

All Thai Girls are Hookers

American men frequently complain that their ex-wives are essentially prostitutes, because they married their husbands for money. There is nothing wrong with marrying a guy for money, and this doesn’t make a girl a hooker. That behavior is endemic to our species, and females of other primate species act in exactly the same manner. For example, it’s been documented that hungry female chimpanzees exchange sex for meat. Prostitution is a legal term, and most ex-wives don’t fit the criteria. On the contrary, the American divorce court was invented to make it easy for a wife to screw a man for money, with no sex required. As with everything else, this was invented in America. Other Western countries followed suit with cheap imitations.

Most Western countries have a pretty clear legal definition of prostitution. In some places it’s legal but regulated, and in some places it’s outright illegal. Regardless of legality, prostitution is defined without ambiguity.

He Clinic Bangkok

Thailand is different, at least in practice. Bar girls aren’t technically hookers, and freelancers are, but only if they loiter for too long on the street. Most girls don’t want you to think they are hookers, even when they are. They worry about losing face. Many prostitutes hold respectable other jobs. In Thailand, trying to figure out who’s a hooker and who isn’t can be very confusing.

To investigate this problem I obtained a grant from a respected feminist NGO based in the United States. Using my grant money, I did extensive field work in both the Sukhumvit and Saphan Kwai neighborhoods of Bangkok, and I watched many hours of Thai TV. I read the literature as well. After a thorough study, I’ve come to the conclusion that all Thai girls are hookers, the only exceptions being some girls living north of the Mekong River. Here’s what I’ve discovered, in detail.

Prostitution in Thailand follows a complex three-tiered pricing structure, consisting of short-time girls, long-time girls and very-long-time girls. The population distribution of these categories as shown in the histogram below conforms to the Bimodal Mammary distribution. The horizontal axis is the logarithm of time spent with a customer. This curve is frequently encountered in nature, and is well known to mongers and statisticians alike.

CBD bangkok

The idealized function has a mirror-symmetry at the midpoint between two the peaks, which are called the papilla maxima. While asymmetries sometimes occur, they can be corrected by fudging numbers, or through plastic surgery.

Even with perfect symmetry, no girl is ever satisfied with where she falls in the distribution. Regardless of the position in which she lies, she always feels that her maxima are either too high or to low.

In calculating these statistics, I made no effort to distinguish the girls who are smokers from non-smokers, nor did I consider the smoking preference of the customer.

As indicated by the histogram, the separation between the short-time girls and long-time girls is not well defined. To further complicate the matter, if the girl is employed at a bar, the customer is expected to pay the long-time fee for short-time service.

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Usually the very-long-time girls will never associate with either the short-time or long-time girls, but some crossover occurs. On occasion a very-long-time girl will moonlight as a short-time girl. More commonly, a long-time girl will moonlight as a very-long-time girl, though only with a client of western European descent. In that case, the pricing structure can deviate from the traditional lump sum (sit sot) to the installment payment, known as a sponsorship.

The very-long-time girls are by far the most fiercely competitive of the three categories. Typically, several girls will compete for the same john. This problem has been extensively documented on television, and every Thai soap opera addresses the issue. They can be quite vicious in playing dirty tricks on other girls pursuing the same client. Sometimes, their behavior transcends mere mischief and becomes criminal, including physical assault, or worse.

So far, I’ve said a lot about the girl, but not about her customers. In the seminal work Who’s Got the Strongest Hard-on for Thai Women?, Korski et al characterizes the nationality of her clients. Using the U.S. as a benchmark, Prof. Korski claims that Swedish men have the strongest hard-ons. He bases his conclusion upon his estimate of the number of Swedes in Thailand, normalized to overall population. While I can vouch for his statistics, he’s starting from the wrong assumption. To disprove his conclusion, I note that Swedish men are undersexed and have the smallest penises of all European males. (Personal communication, Noi, Lek, and Fon.) You Swedish men can wag your fingers at me and say “tsk, tsk, tsk” all you want, but you cannot dispute this well-known fact. The real reason for the high population of Swedish mongers in Thailand is economic. Sweden has the most expensive hookers. America doesn’t, due to a preponderance of Thai massage parlors. Thus the American monger has less motivation to travel to Thailand.

Stickman's thoughts:

I wait for Professor Korski's (that has a nice ring to it) reply!

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