Here Comes Another One

Star date: June 2007

The tyres hit the tarmac of Soyouboomboom airport just after 10:20pm, the flight from Sydney was 20 minutes ahead of schedule. It was a quick and easy trip through customs and immigration and there was no delay waiting for the bags. We headed outside and found the meter taxis. How much Pattaya? 1,200 baht including tolls. OK, let's go! No time to waste if we were to make a night out of it down in sin city… Oh yeah…and I just could not wait to introduce old “Bill” to Soi 7. It was his first trip to LOS so he was what you would call a “newbie”. The taxi driver seemed to be in a hurry but so was I, a nice, swift and pleasantly uneventful trip delivering us to the hotel in Soi 8. In good Thai style there was some confusion with our booking and somehow the room rate had decreased from the price we were quoted just a few days earlier.

No time to muck around, I needed to find myself the nightly girlfriend. Checked in, showered, changed and ready to show Bill the bars. We headed for an area of soi 7 where I had some happy hunting 7 months ago. It was nearly 12:30 am. I spotted a promising well stocked bar and in we went. We ordered beers and I caught the attention of a yummy little piece and I invited her to sit with me. I was just getting around to offering her a drink when she upped and pissed off, but before I could say WTF she was replaced by Bee who was even more pleasant to the eyes. While I was preoccupied with my own carnal pursuits I noted that a drunken bar creature had staggered up and attached herself to Bill. I will say that it was now exactly 2 hours since the wheels had kissed the tarmac of Soyouwantaboomboom for Bill’s cherry LOS trip. I may be slightly out on the exact timing but I will claim artistic license, I know that I must be fairly close as we were only halfway through the first beer in the first bar. Well I could relax a bit now, enjoy a few beers, fondle my new GF, and contemplate what the night would bring when back in the loom. I had decided to barfine her; after all, she had chosen me and not me choosing her, always the best M.O. in a beer bar.

I started to pay more attention to what old Bill was up to (he is the north side of 60). The bar creature was still attached to him and following my lead, he had bought her a drink. I must say that I was enjoying myself, watching Bill constantly picking his jaw up off the ground in that amusing newbie way. He asked me “So, do all these girls have pimps”? I tried to explain that there was no kind of “pimp” arrangement as we would understand it in the west and that these girls were here of their own free will to the larger extent. I have never heard of girls being forced into prostitution by another person, not in Pattaya anyway. I pointed out that all the bargirls appeared to be happy and smiling and enjoying themselves, on the surface anyway – just don’t scratch that surface, it can be very thin, and that which lies beneath the surface is better off being left there. Just drink up and enjoy the sex tour.

It became apparent that Bill was a bit self-conscious about his age in relation to that of the bargirls and thought they might be reluctant to go with him. Bill was, and is in pretty good shape for a man of his years. I told him not to worry, just wait until daylight and you will see that the ‘old guy – young girl’ thing is just normal business in this town.

I recommended that Bill should ditch the bar creature and we would change bars and find him something nicer. I can’t recall why, but Bill wanted to keep her, time for a name, I will call her “Deng”. Well Deng had a nice enough body (shame about the face) and a decent collection of tattoos, she was obviously drunk or effected by some other substance. The combination of the tattoos, the staggering and her age which I put at mid thirties, are what earned her the harsh and possibly unfair title of “bar creature”. I would never have noticed Deng in a bar as my fugglie filter blinkers would have edited her out.

We paid the barfines and went back to the hotel and retired for the main nightly events. After the shower and first round with Bee “fire 1…torpedo away”. I called up Bill on the in house phone to see how things were going “this girls keeps trying to tongue kiss me and give BJ without a condom” says Bill.

I replied “Good girl, just go with it and enjoy…Oh, and WELCOME TO PATTAYA”. I never heard this complaint from Bill again.

The first morning

We said goodbye to the girls the next morning after they collected their lady cards and left.

I will back track here for a moment here to explain how Bill came to be in Thailand.

In my first sub “So, what makes her a bargirl?” where I described how my nearby neighbour “Mat” had discovered the delights of Pattaya and kept telling all about his mongering exploits. And how Mat’s trip reports had reawakened the long dormant monger within me and contributed to the failure of my second marriage (I’m not blaming Mat).

Well, Bill was Mat’s next door neighbour and had lived alone for as long as anyone could remember. He was also an unashamed and self proclaimed racist. Bill was not adverse to P4P, he would have a late night visitor from time to time. Bill now got to hear Pattaya stories from Mat and myself. These stories would become discussions that could go on indefinitely along with plots and plans and tactics and the fine tuning of the Pattaya Beach monger’s M.O. What worked last time, what to try and where to try next time (we have got it pretty finely tuned, BTW). I think what really got Bill thinking was Mat arriving home from a trip to LOS with his own little piece of Thailand who cooked and cleaned and ironed his underwear (she still does it). Bill decided that he wanted to know what all of the fuss was about. So back to the story.

Having seen the girls on their way I took bill to the market to get him kitted out with some tropical clothes. We had just come from the Australian winter and Bill had not packed appropriately. He was not looking too good and I was a bit concerned for his health, older guy, vastly different climate etc. We chilled out at the pool for a bit and headed down to Walking Street. Went to the Roo Bar. I wanted to familiarize Bill with the place as the proprietor can be very helpful and I like the atmosphere in that joint. A good meeting place and always good to speak to people with familiar accents. At about 1pm we went for a walk to the recently opened Hell Club. I was all ready for a bit of HC action but Bill was not interested, said he did not feel so good and he did not look so good either. So we went back to the hotel for a swim and chill out. HC was still on my mind. It was about 3:30pm. I decided to go back to Hell Club. Bill said he was going to have a sleep. He still didn’t look very well. I got back from HC about 6pm after a successful mission and tried to call Bill – no answer on the phone and no response from knocking / pounding on his door. I started to get worried at around 7:30 when I still had no response from Bill. His was the next room to mine and I could hear his air-con running. Now I was really starting to worry as Bill was not looking too good the last time I had seen him. I went to reception and made them aware of my concerns for Bill’s welfare and convinced them to unlock his room. He was not there. The enterprising chap had done the old trick of removing the key from the tag so as to keep the air-con running. I got changed and headed out for the night. As I was cruising down Soi 7 I stopped at the bar where we had hookered up last night just on the off chance that someone may have seen / recognised him. Answer was “yes”… hhmm…were they telling me the truth or telling me what I wanted to hear? Was Deng with him? “Yes, they go shopping” hhmm! Did he pay bar for Deng? Someone consulted the cashier… “yes he pay bar” Well F**k you, rotten old C**t and thanks for going to all the effort of letting me know!

So I stormed off up the soi really pissed off with the whole show. I only got about 10 metres and then…” welcome…sit down please…one drink sir” F**k the silly old bugger…I’m in Pattaya…So I…and then we…well you know the rest.

The second morning

It was about 11am; I had dispensed with my newest new GF and was sitting at the hotel pool reading a book. I looked up and Bill was walking towards me across the pool area, as he approached, the huge grin on his face was obvious to anyone who cared to look. It was only me that took any notice as it turned out, let us just call it ‘Pattaya grin’, we all see a lot of it every morning in Pattaya. “I fuckin’ love this place” Bill shouts at me from across the pool. “I’m pissed again, I started at 7:30am with gin and tonic for breakfast, you will never believe what happened to me”! By this stage I was sick of the c**t. But being the diplomat that I am I just said “Oh yeah? Tell me about it”

Well; as it turned out, shortly after I went to HC the previous afternoon, Bill had a swim, took a long shower and felt much better. He then got bored and decided to go out for a walk and check the place out in daylight – a reasonable thing to do. But as he stepped out of the hotel, who should be there waiting on her motorbike? ..yes…’Deng’ from the night before. Funny how she was never there when Bill stepped outside with me! Well Deng had taken Bill all over Pattaya on her motorbike and showed him this and showed him that. No doubt he had a great time. I did not see much of Bill after that. I think “bar creature”… OoHhh..sorry…I mean “Deng” made sure that I did not see much of him. I was constantly trying to get him back into mongering mode and forget about her. The “Golden rule” for new expats and mongers alike, Never fall for the first one! And I could see where Bill was heading, or maybe, where he was being led.

Well try as I might, and try hard I did, I never managed to retrieve ol’ Bill from the clutches of the evil “bar creature” OooPpss I should have said “Deng”

Well; I had a shit time in Pattaya as always, with all that “welcome” …”Hello sexy man”…”Sit down please”…”I go with you”?

I am very much looking forward to my next “shit time” in Pattaya, yes I know…it’s a tough job but someone has to prop up the local economy.

Time to go home. It was only a short trip, 5 or 6 nights I think. Deng was at the hotel, crying as we left in the taxi.

The day we got back to Sydney the phone calls started. Deng called Bill every day at least once. Bill was not telling me much. I was hearing most of this from our mutual neighbour, Mat. I put the acid on Bill and established that he was now sponsoring Deng and she had stopped working bar.

About six weeks after Bill’s first trip to Thailand he was back in LOS, this time for a month, staying with Deng in her village. Upon his return I got the news from Mat that Bill and Deng had bought land worth 1,500,000 baht near her village. Bill was a bit reluctant to talk to me about this as he could expect to hear some undiplomatic advice. I can just imagine people (YOU) reading this piece and shouting out “Are you out of your f**king mind, Bill”

Well Bill had done his math and come to the conclusion that he could retire sooner and have a better lifestyle if he moved to Thailand. This is a well beaten path and I have met many men that have gone down this track (or gone down on this track). The path is fraught with danger and one must tread carefully and exercise due diligence. Bill’s grand plan was to build a house and shop on the land he had paid for. Deng came to Australia for a holiday in November of that same year and Bill returned with her to Thailand early in the new year to get the construction of the new house underway. The happy couple bought a new pickup on finance, Deng was by now a wealthy lady of property so she was able to get credit for the vehicle. What a lucky lady; she had won 1st prize in the Farang Lottery. The house is now completed, I have seen the pics of the house warming party and it looks very impressive. Deng certainly enjoyed being the centre of attention; bragging, boasting and showing off. Apparently none of her old friends talk to her anymore!

A bit about Bill; he is a big-hearted helpful bloke, always ready to help out and give advice and tell you where you are going wrong. He especially enjoys telling people that they are wrong. We should all consider ourselves fortunate that Bill is bringing his universal infinite wisdom to the Kingdom of Thailand and is single-handedly going to change the country for the benefit of all by showing the Thais the errors of their ways. Somehow my experience gained from travelling, living and working in SE Asia over the last 17 years means nothing and has been eclipsed by Bill’s instant infinite wisdom.

I am not privy to much that goes on between Bill and Deng, but in a few instances that I have been witness to, I have seen Bill get angry with Deng, shouting and treating her like a child. No doubt she deserves some of it, she does have a habit of getting drunk legless. Mat and his Thai wife see much more of them when Deng is in Australia due to the obvious Thai connection. Mat is of the opinion that Bill gets a kick out of upsetting and infuriating Deng to the point of tears and generally treating her in a way that that would cause a Thai to “lose face”. Apparently Bill was very amused when he upset Deng so badly that she started to pull out her own hair – third hand report admittedly. Bill has no problem with making derogatory comments about all things Thai that he sees as flawed or stupid. Quote: “What’s this Thai muck that you expect me to eat Deng? I wouldn’t feed that to my dog”. Bill has no qualms about making negative comments about people you don't do that about! (Good luck with that mate! You are a braver man than me.)

Why does Deng put up with it? She must love him dearly. Or could it have something to do with money? Does she plan on being a wealthy widow? Go figure…

We estimate that Bill has sunk about 6,000,000 baht into the house so far, his life savings we think. He has down-sized his house here in Sydney to fund the next stage of his Thai project, the super market, swimming pool and restaurant. WTF? In the village where my tiny teerak comes from the locals would sooner go swim in the lake than part with 20 baht to use a swimming pool. IMHO.

A recent Stickman quote of the week went something along the lines of: “for a poor Thai girl to marry a rich farang is like finding buried treasure, keep digging until she has all the treasure”. I suspect this is why Deng puts up with it all, she is still digging.

I know I have presented Bill in a negative light, but don’t get me wrong, I do like the guy and I believe that he really does mean well. However, I have grave concerns for his proposed future in the LOS. Deng is approaching 40 and wants more children. Bill has no interest in more children. What will happen when Deng has all the treasure? Will Bill disappoint Deng by living a lot longer than she anticipates? And if Bill does not look like departing any time soon (which he doesn’t, quite fit and healthy actually) might Deng take some form of pre-emptive action once she has dug up all of the treasure? Such actions are not unknown in the LOS if I am not mistaken. Will Bill join the ranks of the Bangkok flying club? And will Deng be acting as the air traffic controller if he makes that first solo flight? Only time will tell. Maybe they will live happily ever after. In some ways they are well suited.

I do think that Bill may be able to lay claim to some kind of record, making this huge life commitment to a lady he has met within 2 hours of setting foot in Thailand for the very first time.

I certainly hope that at some future date I will not find myself sitting at the keyboard typing out a submission to this site titled: There goes another one.