Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 210
I HAVE BOUGHT A BAR
Ok, Dana here with a message of importance to all Thailand expats or travelers to the Kingdom. I have bought a bar. That's right: I have bought a bar. You heard me. The final screw has turned, the final cog has fallen into place, the fat lady has sung.
I have bought a bar. It is in Pattaya, and it is called Dana's Delight. Actually it is the Dana's Delight Bar and Gift Shop but that is just legal mumbo jumbo. Just think Dana's Delight. Anyway, think Soi Diamond Superbabies quality girls without the Japanese customers and without the attitude from the girls. A few things will be different in the Dana's Delight bar.
1. First of all it will be all nude all the time. Any girl wearing anything more than high heels or make up or a gold waist chain will be fired. No arty farty shows with women wearing costumes, and theme outfits, or little sexy strappy things with lots of holes in them. What's with that? I don't want to sound like Mr. Old Timer here but years ago there used to be a bar in the Nana Entertainment Plaza on Soi 4 in Bangkok where the deal was that the Go Go girls were nurses. Nurses uniforms and such. And, as God is my witness, as part of the decorative 'theme' the edge of the stage was lined with white porcelain bed pans. Sorry. I mean, What's With that? Naked women gentlemen. If you do not love naked women more than any other kind of women, than turn in your dick at Customs and get the hell out of the Kingdom.
2. No Japanese, or Chinese, or Koreans, or Russians, or French, or tourists who arrived in a bus allowed. And, as if you had to ask; no foreign women of the white skinned variety.
3. No fans of rugby or soccer. This is not a sports bar, it is a sex bar. No television sets, or darts, or pool tables. Hit the road sports fan.
4. No customers who use condoms. Get with the program guys. Ask yourself this question: has your penis ever one time asked you for a condom? Exactly. I think I have made my point.
5. Sex acts on the stage, and on the floor, and in the seats will be continuous. Think the Windmill bar in the Soi Diamond in Pattaya only cranked up. A lot. This is the kind of bar where you will wonder which mafia owns it.
6. Unisex bathrooms with trannies who will hold your friend for you. There will be no limits on bathroom behavior. It's a party. Are you one of those knowledgeable modern people who know all about hygiene and cleanliness? No plublum dude. Our tranny washroom attendants are trained to publicly wash your private parts. Try and stop them.
7. All girls will be tested by me. Tested for STDs and Aids and chronic Hep B? Oh for the love of God. No Commander Jackass we don't waste time on that stuff. We are men. All our female staff are tested for the important things. Believe me when I tell you there will be no vaginas you can ride a bicycle into, no stretch marks you can stick a credit card into, no stomachs you can not bounce a ten baht coin off of, no chocolate holes that can not relax, and no frightening motor bike accident scars. We have not formulated an official policy on tattoos yet. I personally favor total body tattoos of the freaky Asian kind. Example: Two multi colored slit eyed bonking dragons that covers the whole back. That kind of thing. We'll let you know.
8. All girls will be laughers and gigglers. They will find everything you say screechingly and hysterically funny and clever. And they will beg you; beg you to tickle them. In fact, every Wednesday night we will have Tickle Them Till They Pee (TTTTP) contests. And believe me when I tell you (this is Dana talking); if you end up forming a long term relationship with one of these girls none of them will know how to read, or have any ideas of their own. We do not just hire anyone. Standards.
9. All drinks will be free and you will be allowed to drink until you unload in your pants. It's a party. (Sorry, we do not pay dry cleaning bills.)
10. There will be no barfines. All girls will be free. Sure I'm a pimp, but I'm a humanitarian pimp.
11. Cameras and video taping equipment will be allowed. If you forgot to come equipped you can rent or buy from our gift shop (more on the gift shop following this announcement).
12. Non bar affiliated freelance trannies will be allowed to work the crowd. And I mean work the crowd. Think Tony's or Lucifer's on freelancer scuzzbucket steroids. If this is your first trip to the Kingdom, or your first trip to my bar; I suggest you spend about ten days having your private parts pulled and twisted and kicked first. Smear on a big jar of marmalade and let a giant dog lick it off. Hey, but no gays. This bar is just for men who want to have man fun.
13. There will not be any bartenders, or any waitresses in red mandarin collar Chinese dresses. Just mix your own drinks.
14. All short time rooms are free and have big picture windows so that we can watch from the bar and you can see us watching.
15. Exhibitionists are encouraged except for wing wang wavers. Take it to Boyztown. I'm not personally against fruit loops, and wiggly walkers, and pansy pants, and limp wrists but we are not going to be running butt dart contests if you get my meaning.
So that's it. I have bought a bar and it is in Pattaya and it is called Dana's Delight. If you have any additional suggestions other than the above listed parameters just email me or speak to me any night at the bar. It's basically a wide open idea venue and I am interested in hearing any ideas that have to do with the words naked, female, sex, party, and profit.
CEO Dana's Delight Bar and Giftshop , Pattaya, Thailand
I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking : "Gee Dana, if you do not charge for the drinks, and if there are no barfines; how can you make any money? I know you are the greatest guy in the whole world; but still, how do you pay your bills?"
Simple. The gift shop. That's right, it is Dana's Delight Bar and Gift Shop. The attached gift shop is 11,000 square feet and you have to go through the gift shop to get in the bar, and you have to exit through the gift shop to get back to the street. And exiting the bar you will have a woman with you. Results? Predictable. How do I think of these things? Genius.
Anyway, below is a partial list of the 17,000 items and services in the Dana's Delight Gift Shop.
1. Viagra pills specially monogrammed with your initials (or hers).
2. Pictures of myself and the girls and the bar and you (personal and creative photoshopping available). Everyone must be naked. Man up. Photoshopping a specialty. Always wanted a fifteen inch black love wand? We can make that happen.
3. Battery operated and landline operated sex toys, furniture, and machines (with an electrician groundwire service). Big stuff that will clean out your colon.
4. Inflatable anatomically correct big teddy bears (more on this below).
Ok, too many products and services to list in a really organized way: so just scan the following numbered items, and paragraphs, and descriptions. Any questions can be directed to me in the bar or to my mamasan Lube. Mail order is available. Ask for a catalogue.
5. Tour services. Nong Nooch Gardens, Ko Larn beach tour, Tranny Day at Bang Kwang prison, etc. I am not by nature a bragger but the Dana's Delight Bar and Giftshop enterprise is the only entity to offer Tranny Day at Bang Kwang prison as a weekly tour. The girls are not allowed to mix in the exercise yard, but they will stick something between the bars and you can say Hello that way. Not to be missed. Charity and sleaze in one economical package.
6. Post office and packing supplies (experts in shipping illegal skins and leather products).
7. Doctor and dentist offices (all major languages spoken except Japanese, French, Russian, Chinese, and Korean).
8. Bus, van, mototaxi, pickup truck (almost a necessity for visiting her parents in Suckburi), and limousine services (unlimited free drinks with limo rental: please do not barf on seats).
9. Daytime outdoor coffee, cocoa, and whiskey garden (complimentary telescopes and binoculars). Try our double cocoa with whiskey and seltzer water.
10. Barber and hair salon (short time rooms available).
11. Professional photo studio (all photographers are also mongers–we respect and understand you).
12. Gas pump for motorbikes and motorbike rentals. All gas pumpers will be wearing school girl outfits with pleated skirts, ties, white blouses, little white gloves, little white socks, and black leather loafers. Additionally, all gas pumpers will be wearing little teddy bear backpacks, and Mickey Mouse underpants. Who loves you baby? Ask them to bend down and check your tire inflation.
13. Camera and video, purchase or rental; and film development. Instruction available with live drugged up models. Buy a bag of pretzels for ideas.
14. Pharmacy (no doctor's prescriptions needed – just tell us what you need). No illegal drugs but we do have a tooth brushing powder of crushed Viagra and baking soda. I recommend it. She'll think you do not need the little blue pill and you will be able to pound tent pegs with the hammer of love. Who loves ya baby?
15. T Shirt laminating (more on this below).
16. Mini Mart (no straws with drinks–none of you guys use them, and I am sick of picking them up).
17. Women's shoe, lingerie, and gold shop: Note – if you can get out of the gold shop with your girlfriend without buying her gold we will give you a free drink coupon (this has never happened).
18. Government stamps for any documents (of course only for hobby purposes). We also have official documents in Thai telling your girlfriend that certain sex acts are the law. Ask to see the Anal Manifesto written in Khymer, Cambodian, Central Thai, Lannan, and Laotian.
19. Tattoo parlor (temporary tattoos and permanent tattoos–we recommend temporary tattoos first). We do not do face tattoos: however, Tammy the Tranny is an expert at penis tattoos. Let her show you what she had done to herself. We are considering having Tuesday nights being 'Show Your Penis Tattoo Night'. Let us know if you think this is a good idea.
20. Tailor (learn to dress like me and look like me: Live the Dream). The Dana's Delight Bar and Giftshop tailors will not be Chinese or Pakistani or Indian. We expect this feature to be wildly popular.
21. Cialis and Viagra testing service (we sell only authentic overpriced drugs).
22. Massage and manicure service; plus nose hair, ear hair, and eyebrow plucking.
23. Hair removal and waxing (we have audiotapes of waxing service screams).
24. Testicle and groin shaving (highly recommended). Tranny shavers on request. Before and after barefoot toe massages standard. Hey, your private parts are an amusement park and everyone likes a clean well presented park. Groin shaving represents no challenge but testicle shaving and cleanup can be tricky. We have local anesthetics for sissies. Really, this is what I am all about. Service. When my customers think about taking a needle in the balls they think of me.
25. Love letter writing service (nobody makes up lies better than us – guaranteed). When we are through writing to your teerak you will be taller, leaner, thinner, smarter, younger, richer, and funnier. Actually, you will be just like me so this is pretty easy for us. We do not charge much for this service because it makes us laugh so hard.
26. Internet, phone, copy, printing center. All clerks are blind so no anxieties about data theft. I don't know anything about this electronic stuff but I hire high school girls who will make your knees tremble who do know all about this stuff. I couldn't make a rubbing on a tombstone with a charcoal stick and a piece of paper; but these blind beauties can modem your wazoo faster than you can say "I have deleted my wallet and I can't find taxi money."
27. Currency exchange (all currencies in any amounts and we keep no records). Crisp US $100 bills only. No foreign funny money. If your money has rainbow colors, or is so big you could wrap a pound of fried scorpions in it; then we are not going to mess with it.
28. Party planning service (we don't do Boyztown parties). Nothing against hot tub squealers, and Ambiance Hotel lounge lizards, and poofters, and queens, and flamers, and Liberaces, and fudge packers, and picklesmoochers: we just limit ourselves to normal desires. If you and a hundred of your friends want to play ring toss on your wing wangs find another bar. Or go to the north end of Jomtien Beach and ask one of the towel boys if he would like to go out and stand in waist deep water with you. But don't bring it to the Dana's Delight Bar. We only cater to normal desires.
29. Note: this item eliminated due to high bribe costs. We are not above greasing palms to smooth the ways of business but this service attracted too much attention from the guys in the too tight shirts. Too bad. This was a humdinger of a service. I can't describe it – just let me say: "She could suck the chrome of a towing hitch, and her sister could suck a golf ball through a garden house." Watch the Dana's Delight Bar and Gift Shop website (DDBGS.com) for updates on Number 29.
30. Pregnancy, paternity, STD, and Aids testing. 'Special' lab results paperwork with special request results for no extra fee. A happy woman means a happy man and nothing will bring a smile to her face like bogus test results. There is reality and then there is the perception of reality. Become a winner.
31. Classes in how to hide money in hotel rooms (teeruks not allowed to attend).
32. Hotel booking service (all hotels have guaranteed friendly guest policy).
33. Attention: 'get you out of jail' service, plus a staff of legal beagles.
34. Real estate services ('flipping' and paperwork a specialty).
35. Marriage, divorce, and visa services (including counseling: you are going to need it). We can not overstate the catastrophic stupidity of marrying a bargirl but if you insist on throwing yourself into a volcano we will help.
36. Courses in Thai culture and Thai cooking (it's a yawn but some guys want it). All Thai cooking courses must be paid 100% in advance and we will try to talk you out of it. BORING.
37. Introduction services ("Mr. Foreign Man I'd like to introduce you to Miss Skank"). We also have a newbie beach boulevard tour which I recommend. Learn how to make friends by handing out breakfast items to the girls in the morning. I personally lead this tour. Tours of three only: sign up early. Stay away from Fa. I repeat: stay away from Fa. Anybody caught talking to Fa will be thrown into a tank of drugged up trannies. Think parakeet thrown into a tank of drugged up horny chimpanzees. I think I have made my point. Stay away from Fa.
38. Inflatable women. Thai, Laotian, Cambodian, Vietnamese models only: and no models with braids. The braids whack you in the head when you are pile driving: which brings up a salient point – to wit: anyone who asks for anything that is French will be thrown out of the bar or the store. Be thankful we do not have a second floor. You want to have a French dream? Stick an Eiffel Tower up your rear and sing the Frere Jacques song. We had a bar patron get caught doing things with a French inflatable doll. He tried to make amends by having "Fxxx the French" tattooed on his wing wang. It was not enough. He is barred for life.
39. We also do not handle any Chinese or Korean or Usuckistan or Japanese products or people. Get back on the bus. And (as if it needs to be said): no western farang women's products or interests ever. Back on the plane rhino beast. Boudoir photo services (immortalize in an artful way you and your teeruk banging like rabbits and grunting like pigs) are available and recommended: especially if you have just gotten divorced. Send Ms. Feminist Rights a picture (use our postal system and packing services) of you smiling in a way you never smiled with her. These pictures framed (yes, we have a framing service) also recommended for the mother-in-law, and any sisters of the beast. These white western rhino beasts and friends of the beasts have probably never seen a pudenda before that did not have rolls of fat, and a woman's crotch that did not look like the Black Forest; some diagramming might be required. We have red and black ink stamps that say Rhino Beast and Whale and Elephant and Hippo that you can stamp all over your letters and packages.
40. Naturally there are other services and gift shop items I can not list here. Don't worry: if you can think it, or if you need it, or if you want it we probably have it. Just ask me at the bar or speak to Miss Lube my mamasan. And try not to act like a little newbie fool when she says: "My name is Lube – how can I help you?" Believe me she has heard it all.
Which reminds me: we have four different manufacturers of lube available in various scents and colors at the Dana's Delight Bar Gift Shop. Just ask. Got a special color or scent desire? We can do it. The pharmacist can mix up anything. Think of the smile on her face when she gets her first tube of fish sauce or durian scent lube. It's all about love. And don't even get my gift shop manager started on the Pad Thai and Chili lubes. That stuff is flying off the shelves. No Chinese or Thai pharmacists. When you ask our pharmacist a question he will understand the question and you will understand the answer. Who loves ya baby?
Note: We take credit cards but we love cash. No returns. Ah hell, just find me at the bar and tell me your lame butt 'return' story. However, absolutely no returns on inflatable anything. If you have stuck your love wand in it I do not want it back unless it is one of my girls.
41. Special photo sessions available with Emma the tranny. Bring a measuring tape. You are not going to believe it. And yes we can sell you mouth guards to bite down on. Have her show you the little hats and dresses she has made for the thing.
42. Special penis cleaning service. I have developed a combination blender, hair dryer, and vacuum cleaner device you stick your penis into. The cleaning procedure is a five part process:
A. Stick you penis into the machine.
B. Pour in the combination battery acid and chili sauce.
C. Lube the mamasan holds you from behind around your waist.
D. You hold a pencil thick copper ground wire in each hand.
E. We throw the switch.
Don't worry, we get photos of this. You'll love the results.
43. Foreskin cutting services. You are going to have to spring for this with some of the trannies. You can't get some of their natural sheaths back with a pair of pliers. Just think of it as a cost of love. And I highly recommend the penis cleaning service. Sticking their equipment in a jar of marmalade and then calling in a big dog is not enough.
44. Tanning salon and bronzer sticks. Come on guys; have you ever seen how you white skinned whales look in photos? Get buff (yes, we have liposuction) and get tan, or get out of town. We have standards at the Dana's Delight Bar. Ok, forget that. We do not have many standards. But just think about it. Many of the gas pumpers in the school girl outfits also work in the tanning salon. Think about it.
45. For those of you of the expat or long term tourist variety living in housing estates or penthouse units we have a catapult purchase or rental or lease division that will deliver and install and train you in the art of Medieval siege engine operation. Trouble with a bargirl or freelancer? Learn how to solve that problem. Every night the Pattaya night is filled with flying Thai women who had ideas of their own. In the busy season sometimes the heavens look like popping corn. And during the Cobra Gold exercises it is best to wear a hard hat when out at night.
Please do not shoot (catapult) any of your girls in the direction of the Dana's Delight Bar. Try to be courteous. Even with a doctored utility meter (we offer this service) my air conditioning bills are sky high, and when I lose a plate glass window it just adds to my expense. Anyway, don't be left out of this marvelous social solution and damned fun hobby. "PULL". Multiple catapult deliveries and installation with standby technicians for parties and events are available.
You say during the Cobra Gold exercises you could not get any respect on the boardwalk? Round them up. Party time. "PULL" "PULL" "PULL" "PULL" "PULL" "PULL" "PULL" Actually, it often goes "PULL" scream "PULL" scream "PULL" scream: etc. You'll learn. Oh, and I almost forgot: we have "PULL" T-shirts, and sweatshirts, and hats, and wheelcovers, and underpants, and logo patterns for spraypainting, and "PULL" bling jewelry, and headbands, and racquet covers, and pet dishes, and personal stationary available at the gift shop. Say it loud and say it proud monger brothers – "PULL"
Many of the gift shop employees have themselves been shot off a roof top in a catapult because of their misbehavior so they are intimately acquainted with the various product lines. They can also refer you, or you and your teeruk, to our tattoo services for "PULL" tattoos. And of course our photography contractors can rig up the trigger on the catapult to a camera so that you get a nice picture of yourself finally getting to act like a man. Just ask for the 'So Long Bitch Special Catapult Photography Package (SLBSCPP)'. "PULL"
SPECIAL NOTE: Oh, condoms? Get out. Get out of the bar and get out of the store. In fact, do us all a favor and get out of the country. A little more detail here is probably a courtesy. I have installed buzzer buttons in the bar and in the gift shop. Any man who asks one of our staff about condoms is going to trigger in them the training they received from me. They are going to press the nearest buzzer button. My cellphone will display the location and five retired two hundred pound mamasans will be on the way. Feeling brave are you? Think this is a joke? What do you suppose I have on the roof lag bolted through the ceiling and welded to steel beams? That's right Chang Beer breath; the biggest catapult in Pattaya. Ask for condoms, or show a condom to a girl, or mention condoms in conversation and you are going to be taking a night time trip through the starry skies of Pattaya. "PULL".
46. We can not do anything in the Dana's Delight Bar and Giftshop that pertains to guns or drugs. However, we can provide mace, stun guns, bean bag shotguns, net throwing guns, tubes of airplane glue (get a photo of your freelancers smile when she opens the package), and grizzly bear pepper spray. All of it comes with appropriate documents. Be careful, be legal. However, none of these items is guaranteed to protect you from an enraged teeruk. For an enraged girlfriend you need to (1) learn to cover up (2) learn to lie (3) learn to run. Yes, we have CLR (cover up, lie, run) classes. 2% discount if your story makes us laugh until we weep.
47. Ok, now a few words about teddy bears and bargirls; and of course the more interesting and more important issue of bargirls and inflatable teddy bears. I developed these inflatable teddy bears and I am making a pantload of money off them, but that is not really the point. The point is I love all of you guys more than the smile on my daughter's face, and this is my gift to you. Let me explain:
For maximum teeruk fun you are going to need two inflatable anatomically correct big teddy bears, a line of airplane glue, and a strap on dildo. Cue the cameras boys: pictures suitable for the ex wife, and the bitches in the Human Services Dept. at your company coming up. Got a female boss? For an extra fee we can include an audio tape. We call this service at the Dana's Delight Bar Gift Shop the SWEET JESUS ON A CRACKER SPECIAL. Never seen a glue sniffing gorgeous Go Go dancer with a strap on dildo pile driving a stuffed teddy bear? Never made it a twosome of teddy bear pile driving? Welcome to the Dana's Delight Bar.
48. About the T Shirt laminating service. I just really recommend this. It has worked 100% successfully for me for years. Take a picture of your teeruk or of you and your teeruk to our T Shirt laminating booth and we can put the picture on a T Shirt. It's all some kind of computer cropping and photo shopping thing (don't ask me). It's fast, it's affordable; and your girlfriend will love it.
49. And speaking of photos I have scored some original Polaroid film and 2000 Polaroid cameras. When they are gone they are gone. Polaroid cameras are just the best thing for taking boulevard pictures, or hotel room pictures. It's not about technology; it is about instant gratification, and gift giving, and emotion. I recommend this. And if you want to really pile up points take some pictures of her naked and then the next morning give her the pictures (all the pictures) to take with her.
Nothing sells like false sincerity and she will tell all of her friends that you are a 'good man'. No discounts available on these cameras and film. We keep them hidden in the Gift Shop so ask for Lube. Or, if I am not around in the bar and you can not find Lube; ask for Ms. Tingtongmoonpornasong Boonsungpaisarlbunadarn. She is the gift shop manager. Be careful pronouncing her name. If you are a little off on the tones you will actually be saying: "You've got a face like a hare lipped monkey."
Well, that is about it for now guys: just a brief look at products and services available at the Dana's Delight Bar and Gift Shop and I hope that answers the question of how we manage to turn a dollar into two dollars when there are no barfines and the drinks are free in the bar. How do I think of these things? Genius. Of course special member programs and discount programs are available. Just ask for mamasan Lube, or head cashier Miss Bendover.
So, if you are in Pattaya come on by the Dana's Delight bar any night. There is no cover charge, drinks are free, there are no barfines; and we conform to the Dana Rule known as NYDPSF (Naked, Young, Dark, Petite, Smiling, Fun). All girls are Essan products. Absolutely no tall white skinned Hi-So snobs, or Japanese market snobs, or scary Russian women allowed. Standards.
CEO – Dana's Delight Bar and Gift Shop